Now What?

So here I am, trying to learn myself all over.
Just when I thought I had it all figured out- again-
*POW*
For over a decade now I thought I knew where my problems lie, and how to cope. I was diagnosed as having an attachment disorder first, and then Bipolar I later down the line. The Bipolar pretty much covered the mania, and the attachment disorder seemed to cover the issues with interpersonal relationships, but guess what? I'm Borderline! I have come to a point in my life where I am incapable of being in an intimate relationship without it bringing some part of my psycho out. I dread writing the rest of what's on my mind. Already overwhelmed with all the detail. So I'll just leave it at this small introduction for now, and hope that being here can provide an outlet, education, enlightenment, and kinship.

Disclaimer: I don't play well with really weepy stories, or emotionally charged conversation. I also tend to have a serious problem identifying my own emotions, and articulating them. It may be hard to crack my shell at first, or form a connection. I'm here to give it a serious try. No promises that I will be on my best behavior when push comes to shove.

You've been misdiagnosed once. The first thing I would do if I were you is educate yourself. Go above your thread here and read about BPD. Does it SOUND like you? Trust your instincts a little. Doctors can only diagnose psychiatric illness based on what they observe. Have they observed things correctly? I am not attempting to make you feel bad, make you feel as though you don't have BPD, or give you a hard time, but I think that people too often accept the diagnosis without really looking at it and themselves to see if it fits. You are welcome here in the BPD forum. Read threads, ask questions, feel at home. We help each other as much as we can. Too often, we feel alone in our illness, as though we are one person taking on the world. You are no longer alone. We will help you as much as we can on your path to self discovery.

It fits. I've been educating myself on BPD for quite some time now. Reading as many books as I can on the subject. My symptoms are not as apparent until I am subjected to high levels of stress, or when so much change is happening at once that I feel like everything is out of my control. But when the last nail really goes into the coffin, and all the evident demons wake up from hibernation, is when I'm in a romantic relationship. I can't repress any on it then. As soon as people start getting too close, and start loving me... that's when all the walls come crashing down.

You sound just like me. If I'm on my own for a length of time, I'm alone but feel fine or at least I can cope. When I try to build friendships, all of the BPD stuff comes out in really short order and it takes forever (sometimes years) for it to go in to hibernation again. Welcome. I'm glad to know you. There is a BPD chat this afternoon at 5EST if you are interested. You have support here; you're no longer alone. We are a very loving but dysfunctional family.

What about the people you choose to involve yourself with? Be it friends or mates...
I always choose other disordered people. All of them have considered themselves less disordered than, or problematic than, ect. than me. I can't help thinking that I choose people who set off my issues over ones who wouldn't as much, because of that intense craving for extreme excitement, over sensible and healthy. Moreover, because all of them have also been disordered, it's hard to tell who is doing what to whom. I just ended a relationship where I could have sworn she was messing with my head on purpose to set me off. I could even map out how it started... and yet it seemed like she was so good at twisting it all around to make it seem like my disorder was playing tricks on me.

I'd take a step back, look at the situation closer, and give in to the idea that it was all me and my disorder doing the driving towards a train wreck, even though she is also disordered (I won't disclose which disorder) and has bouts of extreme paranoia that also distorts her perception of what is really going on. Inevitably we would make up based on the premise that I had set her off with my crazy bpd games. That she was only abusive verbally when provoked. Yet the feeling that I was always being toyed with to amuse her, never left my mind. That's when things really go to wonder land. What is up or down? Is it them, is it me, is it we?

Naturally I'm inclined towards feelings that it must be all in my head. It was my bpd that started all the crazy. One thing remains clear to me no matter who did what... being with someone who is also disordered is the ultimate cocktail for destruction. And as I recall reading on a friend's blog who is also BPD: Not everything is a result of the disorder. It's also about how you're being treated.

My point: This relationship really has (especially the ending of it) has my head in knots. It made me feel more out of control, and lost from reality than ever, and now I don't know just how big of a mess I really am. I went from feeling like I had a few core issues, to thinking I am a complete and total lunatic who has no reality of their own. I'm left wondering id anything I see, feel, hear, read, or listen to, is the way it really is.

It's not intentional, but I usually end up picking people as bad or worse than me to associate with. In my case, I think it is largely empathy. I feel sorry for them and want to help out and get "sucked" in. Then they leave, tired, disgusted, whatever, and I'm there trying to pick up the pieces.

I have trouble with empathy. It's blunted empathy I guess you could say. It's a rare occasion when I can empathize, and only for a very select few.

I too have issues around empathy. It can serve me good or not so good. Often it doesn't. But I don't think it stops me.

Welcome.

I have bpd, too.

Carol

Hello there. Yes I too am here to gain knowledge from other folk with borderline. I've been lead to believe that in the UK where I live there is no body else here who suffers BPD. My GP refuses to have anything to do with me regarding BPD saying that he will pass me over to someone else as borderliners have a very bad reputation in the medical world and he's also rather disgusted that I've taken overdoses 20 years ago, recently this has happened again. I am very isolated but I don't mind as I'm not like other people and if they knew what I'm really like word would soon get round my little village that I am completely 'mad'. Yes I am 'mad' compared to 'normal' folk, this I agree with. I have been on PC for quite some time but diddn't realise there was this place especially for borderline disorder. I have made one good loyal 'friend' on PC but it's a shame she is so far away - Australia. We can give each other much support and understanding. I hope you might find this place helpful, I'm new here and thought I knew everything about BPD but now I think I can learn more. I am open and ready to learn more and it's a comfort to see that there are actually folk around the world who indeed suffer BPD and it's not as unknown as my GP would have me believe. My Psych Dr is OKi but I can rearly get to see him. I have had borderline for 30 years and back in the begining I thought it was manic-depression as bi-polar was known then. The Dr's at the time refused to agree and refused to treat me, just discharging me back out in the community after being in psych hospital. It seems a very reasuring place to be here so I hope you and I can rest here in the knowledge that we will be listened to, helped and inturn help others. Good luck. X

Hi Waggie, I too am from the U.K and recently dianosed with BPD after being initially diagnosed with bipolar type 2. After a brief visit to our psych hospital the doc there thinks bipolar again. Madness! My own shrink (just my friendly term for psychiatrist, no harm intended) thinks BPD still. Regardless of the diagnosis the visits with anyone within the psychiatric care department are few and far between and on many occasions there is only intervention when thngs reach crisis point for us. I too have been refused treatment for many yrs, (until 5 days ago) the shrink feeling that therapy is the only option which i disagree with. I believe it should be combination therapy. Even the therapist I saw today said therapy doesn't always work. I think to find a place where we all have similar experiences and have an understanding of the way we think can only be beneficial for everyone who chooses to participate.