Always Alone

Hello,
My name is Cait, I'm 27 and I've been recently diagnosed with 'symptoms' of BPD.

I have no friends.

I don't feel 'sorry' for myself per say. I'm more frustrated with my inability to trust that anyone actually WANTS to be friends with me. I have a hard time believing anyone would actually put up with me were they to take the time to get to know me. They would simply run once they found out what I'm truely like.

I've had people run before.

I do have a boyfriend of 5 years but I feel like I'm a burden even to him. I'm afraid to call him. I'm afraid to ask him to do anything for me. I'm useless. I can't work. I can't drive. I think I drive him nuts. He doesn't live with me even after 5 years. I spend hours and hours every day completely alone. None of my apartment windows even face the street so I dont even get to see people walking by or anything.

Sometimes I feel like there is no one else. It's just me...and I dont know how to feel about it. I swing between hating myself and wishing I didnt exist. Then sometimes I feel like burning everything and everyone in sight for watching me slowly die..so I could -truly- be alone of my own accord and not feel like I'm hiding. Then I feel bad again b/c I know it's feeling that way that probably scares potential friends off...and of course then I'm back to being angry because why should I have to change myself to be liked by people.

How am I meant to make friends when I'm angry at them even before we've met?

Saying sorry for an emotional outbursts just isn't enough after awhile for those who dont understand the turmoil going on in my head

Part of me is always hating. Part of me is always crying because I hate.

I am glad you found us.

I also have bpd and I felt, reading your post, like I was reading something that I wrote.

Anger, frustration, fear of being a burden.

I know.

I am not you but I am a fellow person with bpd and I understand the general picture.

Welcome.

Carol

Hi Cait, so much of what I read was so familiar. I have no friends, I choose to isolate myself for fear of being rejected once they find out how much work I require to be a friend with. I have no partner/husband because I don't feel they would ever understand me and my ever changing perception of the world....my world. And it's a waste of a perfectly good life because of what we do to ourselves. If only I knew how to change things for the better I'd share it with you. I'm still trying to make life a positive experience instead of a struggle. You're not alone in the way you think or behave.