[MDDBPDPTSD]

I feel like I walk around always wearing a giant "V" on my person.

You know, like Superman wears a giant "S" and WonderWomen has her giant "W"? I have a giant "V" for victim.

That is my role in life and in case anyone who feels like abusing someone can't tell I make a good victim, the "V" is there to tell them to pick me.

Honestly, I really feel like I put out a vibe of some kind that tells angry cruel people to hurt me.

I am so f*cking tired of the abuse. I am so f*cking tired of feeling pain. I am so f*cking tired of not knowing how to make it stop.

I came to the realization the other day of why I still feel sssoooo guilty for somethings that happened to other people more than 20 years ago: because I AM the cause of it. If it had not been for me, attracting the abuser to me, he would never have met them and he would have never abused them.

I have done many bad things in my life. But I will NEVER be able to forgive me for that one. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

I have tried so hard to not hurt anyone else, because I know how horrible it can be to get over that hurt. Even so, I have been able to, at least temporarily forgive me for most of what I have done. But not this. Not now and not ever. There is no peace for me. There is no place for me to find rest. The best i can do is distract for a time. And sometimes I get to sleep.

But there is no escape from this guilt.

It is my fault that these people were hurt. And it is my fault that they are now making decisions that allow others to be hurt, because the pain that I caused them to feel has clouded their perceptions and they are not able to make better decisions.

I love them so much. and I am the reason they were and are hurt.

I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.

No point in trying to die though, because I have tried that before and I F*CKING cannot do that right either. I am trapped here. But not forever. I will die eventually. Thanks be to God. I will die evenually, because God does have mercy, even on pieces of ***** like me. I hate me I hate being here.

I love(d) them so much. and I failed them so horribly. I failed everyone.

OMG I cannot even believe this. I cannot even believe this happened. And it was more than twenty years ago and I am still in shock.

LIFE is a cruel joke. Life was intended by God to be a gift, but it has been twisted into a cruel malignant period of time to be endured.

I HATE MY LIFE> I HATE ME> I HATE INJUSTICE> I HATE PAIN> I HATE SOCIETY> I HATE THE DEVIL> I HATE SEX> I HATE CINDERELLA AND SNOWWHITE AND BARBIE> I HATE BEING FEMALE> I HATE PEOPLE WITH PENISES> I HATE THE LIES> I HATE THE POWER STRUGGLE> I HATE APATHY> I HATE DENIAL> I HATE DSS/CPS> I HATE BPD> I HATE THE SYSTEM> I HATE ME FOR ALLOWING THME TO BE HURT.

It takes someone as big as God to forgive me.

I will never get over this.

Please, if you are a praying person, pray for their safety and recovery and pray for my demise.. quickly. I cannot take this for much longer. PLEASE

Only a miracle can help me.

and them.

PLEASE

[greyclouds]

Originally Posted by MDDBPDPTSD

I feel like I walk around always wearing a giant "V" on my person.

You know, like Superman wears a giant "S" and WonderWomen has her giant "W"? I have a giant "V" for victim.

That is my role in life and in case anyone who feels like abusing someone can't tell I make a good victim, the "V" is there to tell them to pick me.

Honestly, I really feel like I put out a vibe of some kind that tells angry cruel people to hurt me.

I am so f*cking tired of the abuse. I am so f*cking tired of feeling pain. I am so f*cking tired of not knowing how to make it stop.

I came to the realization the other day of why I still feel sssoooo guilty for somethings that happened to other people more than 20 years ago: because I AM the cause of it. If it had not been for me, attracting the abuser to me, he would never have met them and he would have never abused them.

I have done many bad things in my life. But I will NEVER be able to forgive me for that one. NEVER NEVER NEVER.

I have tried so hard to not hurt anyone else, because I know how horrible it can be to get over that hurt. Even so, I have been able to, at least temporarily forgive me for most of what I have done. But not this. Not now and not ever. There is no peace for me. There is no place for me to find rest. The best i can do is distract for a time. And sometimes I get to sleep.

But there is no escape from this guilt.

It is my fault that these people were hurt. And it is my fault that they are now making decisions that allow others to be hurt, because the pain that I caused them to feel has clouded their perceptions and they are not able to make better decisions.

I love them so much. and I am the reason they were and are hurt.

I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.

No point in trying to die though, because I have tried that before and I F*CKING cannot do that right either. I am trapped here. But not forever. I will die eventually. Thanks be to God. I will die evenually, because God does have mercy, even on pieces of ***** like me. I hate me I hate being here.

I love(d) them so much. and I failed them so horribly. I failed everyone.

OMG I cannot even believe this. I cannot even believe this happened. And it was more than twenty years ago and I am still in shock.

LIFE is a cruel joke. Life was intended by God to be a gift, but it has been twisted into a cruel malignant period of time to be endured.

I HATE MY LIFE> I HATE ME> I HATE INJUSTICE> I HATE PAIN> I HATE SOCIETY> I HATE THE DEVIL> I HATE SEX> I HATE CINDERELLA AND SNOWWHITE AND BARBIE> I HATE BEING FEMALE> I HATE PEOPLE WITH PENISES> I HATE THE LIES> I HATE THE POWER STRUGGLE> I HATE APATHY> I HATE DENIAL> I HATE DSS/CPS> I HATE BPD> I HATE THE SYSTEM> I HATE ME FOR ALLOWING THME TO BE HURT.

It takes someone as big as God to forgive me.

I will never get over this.

Please, if you are a praying person, pray for their safety and recovery and pray for my demise.. quickly. I cannot take this for much longer. PLEASE

Only a miracle can help me.

and them.

PLEASE

((Hugs)) I could feel your pain when writing this.
I don't really know what to say, I only that I heard you and you are in my thoughts,

I don't know your past,but you can not be to blame, for some one else hurting others.
That is there own guilt. If the y have any.

Please be strong and know that all of us are here for you.
((Hugs))

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I relate to feeling endless guilt.

I will pray for you and them.

My mentor told me that everyone deserves to be forgiven, esp if they are sorry. I know you are.

So hold on.

I am sorry for your pain. Feel for you.

Carol