[poison0ak]

so many things going on at once, dont know how to handle it all...

after my fiance randomly cheating and leaving me on halloween, it seems like everything else just keeps in motion on a downward spiral. ive said it in a previous post, but i am currently in ios/php (one of the 2) as a compromise of being released from being an inpatient at the hospital. well... group on last thursday was terrible, i told my therapist on friday that i didnt want to go this week... she said if i didnt go id be resumbitted because i was "that sick." i asked well, i only have a few more therapy sessions left... would i still be submitted? she said we will see... and my last one is tomorrow.. so because im still struggling with thoughts and my addiction of S.H. Im afraid ill just get submitted again.. which i cant do...

i need to be here to take care of my grandpa, i cant afford it, not only do i not have the money but i cant afford to miss work. im already nervous about losing my job since i missed two weeks.. i cant miss more work from being in the hospital again...

yet at the same time i know the thoughts and ideas that i have probably arent too good or healthy. im going through the motions, im honestly trying to apply the DBT skills, but it is so much easier said than done. im trying my hardest and im only taking steps backwards instead of forwards. im now struggling with things ive never had problems struggling with before (eating and sleeping, cant do either one) i feel like i just keep slipping under and lower and deeper into the realms of the bpd, depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, and SH. not trying to trigger anyone here, but its to the point to where i am craving certain spots on my body that probably arent good to SH on. ahhh and because i am afraid to talk to my therapist... its almost as if im just wasting my time by going...

sigh...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I too have felt like I was in that catch 22 where I know need therapy but feel like it's a waste of time. For me, I was also "trapped" in the mental health grid, wanting to SH, SH'ing and keeping it a secret because I did not want to be "submitted" (committed) to the inpatient again.

I learned that I don't have to act on those feelings. Wanting to SH is from wanting to "short circuit" that extreme discomfort from feeling unreal, numb, or in so much emotional pain.

I am glad you came on here.

You don't have to act on them. You talk to us as much as you need to. Learn to process your feelings safely. I know they can really feel uncomfortable---uncomfortable---what an understatement. I went thru that this past few days, hated myself so much and felt such pain. I did not hurt myself; I had to resist going back to old behaviors. It felt like I was dealing with a wild animal.

It's from a lot of emotional pain and feeling invalid and unreal. Me anyway.

When you get command of this, you won't need hospitalization. when I got more command of it (I only had one episode last month) I was not hospitalized for five years. I left PHP in 2009. Have not gone back.

I hope you will be okay.

I don't work but I remember being hospitalized many times before and missing being at home and my roommate felt strange not having me around. People in my email groups started wondering if I had disappeared and my email used to overflow.

Carol