[MDDBPDPTSD]

All these years I struggled to get away from those who abuse me. I have done it now. I am free from abusers. Almost.

In therapy, I was ranting about escaping abuse and how it was impossible to do. My therapist asked me who was abusing me now. I realized the answer was : ME.

I am the one who is saying al those horrible things to myself. Those things the abusers said to me over and over, I am not saying them to myself. When something does not go right, I say very cruel things to myself about my competence, my worth, my ability, my intelligence and so forth.

I do not plan to say these things to me, I just hear them, in my mind. Sometimes when I hear them, they are in the abusers voice. Sometimes they are in my own voice.

It is good to be away from those who abused me. But I have brought them with me.

How do I get them out of my head? How do I not hear their voice or their opinion of me anymore?

Anyone have any ideas? What can I do practically speaking to eliminate that cruel self-talk?

I seem to have my abusers with me wherever I go. They are inside my own head. There is no escape from that.

It is as if my worst fears are reality now: I am really the problem. I am the one who is causing my own pain. How do I make it stop?

I will, of course, explore this more with my therapist too, but I wanted to find out what some fellow sufferers have done to overcome this. In other words, not just in theory, but in practice, find out what works.

Please share. Thank you.

[xxxispillcoffeexxx]

Look for sites talking about changing negative thoughts to positive and rebuilding self confidence. Ask yourself what happened when you were a kid, what situation you first told these things to you. What did someone say or do that made you feel that way. Have you let it go or clung to it because you feel like you should be punished and have self hatred welled up inside. Learn about letting go. Acknowledgement of the past but moving forward towards your own happiness and joys and explore your creative passions.

[unaluna]

Congratulations! WhIch may sound like an odd thing to say, but once you recognize this voice and where it comes from, well it was a huge step for me. What helped for me was to physically distance myself from people who spoke to me that way. Period. I finally took my T's advice.

[Hazycloud]

Mddbpdptsd I feel your pain, the abuse unleashed by the perps is grossly inhumane, preserved in pristine condition within us.
I am in a similar situation right now but I'm still with my abusers.
I think it is commendable in itself that we were able to recognize their doings.
I'm currently supposed to work on my admissions project with a tight deadline but I constantly find myself with those abusive thoughts except mine is inherent so it externalizes right away so I keep rehashing the ways my family(including relatives) treated with me with disdain and punishment. It is definitely getting in the way that sometimes I can't function and retreat to sleeping which exasperates my pressure with this project.

I do feel a noticeable difference when I had moved out and living with my boyfriend... along with all subsequent visits. He confirms that I do a 180 change and ends up getting very worried for me now that I'm back here. Right now I'm isolated and surrounded by bad, reaffirming history and no support except my bf who is 2k miles away. I tried to reach out to old friends and I had a fresh dose of reality check my life was literally surrounded by narcissists or something. I'm not saying I was perfect (if I was I wouldn't have picked those friends?) and I believe it's childhood conditioning.

Have you let it go or clung to it because you feel like you should be punished and have self hatred welled up inside. Learn about letting go. Acknowledgement of the past but moving forward towards your own happiness and joys and explore your creative passions.

This is where I'm stuck. I'm dissociated 90% of the time and I got important tasks I need to focus on so the thoughts just settle in and I'm only aware of the discomfort. Then the feelings take over and I'm back in that lost and confused overwhelmed state.
I think for me I have to get away from this place first then I can actually feel safe enough to be vulnerable. That'll be a year and a half from now so this should be interesting.

What works for me is accepting my faulty/shameful thinking and reassuring myself that I understand and accept myself, "I accept and understood you," so that allows space for me to be able to focus being my real self, which is not abusive internally/externally.
The challenge was I had to spot them or know when they're going off, so preemptive/post-reflection both worked. Even allowing the thoughts to happen and focusing on knowing that it'll be ok really helps.
What I'm hoping is that with enough practice I can quell them faster and faster to nothingness.
What doesn't work is when I am under stress from triggers and under pressure that I find myself unable/unwilling to spare myself attention. Then the self neglect causes intolerable anxiety.

It is nice to read that your work with your therapist is paying off, here's for the best!

[sallyace]

I always knew that I beat myself up but never considered it is the same as abusing myself.
Been working at throwing those thoughts away as they come up. As things in my life improve I realize it has a lot to do with just plain old being nice to myself.
You comment is going to help me a great deal with kicking those thoughts out a lot easier. I refuse to abuse myself.

[MDDBPDPTSD]

Thank you for your replies and your concern. I am grateful for all of you. It is good to know I am not in this alone. thank you again.

[NYCDoglvr]

It is good to be away from those who abused me. But I have brought them with me. How do I get them out of my head? How do I not hear their voice or their opinion of me anymore? Anyone have any ideas? What can I do practically speaking to eliminate that cruel self-talk?

Feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel like a looser doesn't mean you are one. You may want to hang on to this mantra to remind yourself. See your mind as a computer: garbage in, garbage out. It's about reprogramming those old voices and adding positive ones. I've heard my mother's rants about me and said out loud "thank you for sharing, mother, now get the ***** out of here"!! It works. Sometimes I go fast walking, which really clears the mind or turn on a scary TV program to divert my attention.

It takes practice but I rarely hear the voices today.