As a side note, I realize I'm vomiting way too much of my crap on here today and if you ignore it I completely understand

I really hate that I have a tendency to self sabatoge my life when things seem to be going better. Granted I have my moments when I can actually enjoy the time when things get calmer, go smoother and in a positive direction but then something changes and I start doing things to sabatoge the good things that are coming into play in my life.

What is it, why do I do that? Do I really think I'm so undeserving of peace of mind, prosperity and good fortune? Is it that I have learned to live such a disastrous life that I can't bear to just let it be when i'm not in the midst of a proverbial tornado? It's as if things go well and my brain resists it and says "NOOOOOO you can't have this, it's too good! let's go fark some sht up!" yeah. just like that I start to dismantle the wonderfully constructed blessings that come my way..

I am extremely blessed in my field of work. I've gotten here not completely by my own work, although I have made efforts for nearly 2 decades to succeed at what I do. I'm tenured in my job, have oodles of job security and make money that some would be envious of. But I'm not bragging. I know that this job came not because I'm better than the other guy but by chance, and if you're a believer, by miracle. After all I have no degrees. I've yet to be able to complete my first year of college, and mind you I have tried. but nonetheless, I am less worthy than many in my field that are still trying to gain full time employment working their tails off as contractors but yet I was blessed with it. So I am not proud, I am thankful. i tell you this because this is where I seem to be sabotaging.

I get tons of leave allocated to me every year now. nearly 3 weeks a year. do I have anything to show for it? No. As it comes I sabatoge my vacation time by taking time off willy nilly like when a wild hair comes to tickle my fancy. I just wipe out any ability to ever have a real vacation, let alone leave any for real emergencies. But that's not the worst of it. Although I'm given this large amount of PTO every year taking it excessively is still frowned upon by the agency I work for. But do I heed the warnings? NO. That might lead to more good things, like respect from my leads and supervisors. we can't have that. Not only that, last year I made just under half of waht I should have for the year. When I saw this my mouth dropped open. With all of the chaos in my life last year not only did I miss an entire 4 week period of work, but ended up being suspended from my job for a week. so at least 5 weeks of time missed and that's not considering the random "I don't feel like it" crap I pull half the time. I hate it. I hate that I do this.

My supervisor has become harsh with me regarding my time off anymore and at times has denied the leave because I just didn't have good reason to take off spontaneously. Case in point, I had missed a day for court. She asked for paperwork showing I needed to be in court. She denied the leave when I didn't produce the paperwork in time. :/ Can't say I'm angry with her.

Fact is, I'm grateful. I was just thinking about this. I need this. It sucks to admit this but I need someone to crack a whip at me and keep my ***** in line at times. It's horrible and disgusting that I'm so bad about this and have to say that I need strict rules to keep me in line but I'm not so proud I can't admit it.

so yeah I loathe myself at the moment. I'm so sick of sabotaging my life.

And I know, I've probably lost a bit of respect from some of you. I don't blame you, I'm losing some respect for myself right now tbh.

Thanks for listening to my stupid rant.
~S4

[AngelWolf3]

I don't think it was stupid. (know that doesn't change how you feel about it, but thought I would put it out there....) hey that's what we're here for, to listen...

You're not "vomiting" your crap anymore than a number of us have....I have lately. I have sabatoged my job several times. Once, for no reason, on my way to work, I just kept going, didn't stop, and didn't call anyone. I worked at a remote location and my co-worker attempted to cover for me. On a regular day, no one would have been the wiser, but, of course, that was a day someone came in to see us, and I wasn't there. I can't look down on someone when I've done the same thing. I may not have done it as frequently, but the one digression got me kicked out of the place I was working and they assigned me to teach in the jail. Long story.

Don't hate yourself (yea, right, I know) but instead brainstorm ways to try to fix it. You obviously need to set rules or boundries for yourself. I don't know the best way to do that, but some suggestions. Make a daily checklist of things to do that would improve your work performance and check them off as the day goes on. This needs to include attendance, obviously. Write a list of GOOD reasons to take off work and if the reason you want to take off doesn't fit one of those criteria, force yourself to go. Pick a time period...a week, two weeks, a month. If you are able to keep to your attendance and your check list for that amount of time, reward yourself with something....a new game (that means foregoing new games until then!), something to help your art, or a night out with your boys. Also, your boys aren't too young to help with this, and you can do it in a way that you don't lose respect from them. Just tell them, "I have problems doing _____________ and I want you guys to stay on top of me about it."....just don't get angry at them if they do.

Also, does your work offer any classes on organization, self-esteem, how to be successful in the workplace, etc? I know you'll feel like a failure and an idiot for signing up and going, but it will show your superiors that you are working on improving which will give you a few brownie points and you might actually learn a few things that might help as well.

Hope I didn't say anything you could get angry at...always a concern, sorry, and you know I'm here if you'd like to talk.

Originally Posted by Maranara

You're not "vomiting" your crap anymore than a number of us have....I have lately. I have sabatoged my job several times. Once, for no reason, on my way to work, I just kept going, didn't stop, and didn't call anyone. I worked at a remote location and my co-worker attempted to cover for me. On a regular day, no one would have been the wiser, but, of course, that was a day someone came in to see us, and I wasn't there. I can't look down on someone when I've done the same thing. I may not have done it as frequently, but the one digression got me kicked out of the place I was working and they assigned me to teach in the jail. Long story.

Don't hate yourself (yea, right, I know) but instead brainstorm ways to try to fix it. You obviously need to set rules or boundries for yourself. I don't know the best way to do that, but some suggestions. Make a daily checklist of things to do that would improve your work performance and check them off as the day goes on. This needs to include attendance, obviously. Write a list of GOOD reasons to take off work and if the reason you want to take off doesn't fit one of those criteria, force yourself to go. Pick a time period...a week, two weeks, a month. If you are able to keep to your attendance and your check list for that amount of time, reward yourself with something....a new game (that means foregoing new games until then!), something to help your art, or a night out with your boys. Also, your boys aren't too young to help with this, and you can do it in a way that you don't lose respect from them. Just tell them, "I have problems doing _____________ and I want you guys to stay on top of me about it."....just don't get angry at them if they do.

Also, does your work offer any classes on organization, self-esteem, how to be successful in the workplace, etc? I know you'll feel like a failure and an idiot for signing up and going, but it will show your superiors that you are working on improving which will give you a few brownie points and you might actually learn a few things that might help as well.

Hope I didn't say anything you could get angry at...always a concern, sorry, and you know I'm here if you'd like to talk.

All good ideas. The problem I see with rewarding myself with stuff is that I don't tend to do without unless I can't. Lacking a spouse there's no one here to tell me I am spoiling myself and considering in 20 or so years since actually being on my own it's been hard to limit myself (and kids) Thats another thing that's got me feeling like I'm losing control.

But yeah all that other stuff is good. I know that a big part of my motivation to always go to work was that when you have an SO they are there to lean on you when you need it... "You know you're missing a lot of work lately dear..." kind of thing. No one there for me to do that and I have yet to learn the self discipline that I should have learned a long time ago.

Talk to your boys without it...if you approach them the right way they may be able to help more than you think. No, they're not a SO, but anything that directly affects you is going to affect them too, and you can do it in a way that you will not lose respect in their eyes. They actually may look at it as "Wow, we get to help Dad with something, we feel so privleged." They won't say it, but it's giving them a little bit of responsibility that they may actually enjoy....telling Dad what to do instead of the other way around. It can be a little game in a way. You just have to be careful not to angry at them over whatever you set.

And it's not too late to "do without"...Say, "I've been having problems with _________ and need a little discipline to get it under control. We're not going out to eat (or whatever) for __________ days, and if I'm able to keep with it, we'll go somewhere special. Also, your boys may be having issues with similar things (they learn from us afterall) where it can be something you all work on together.

Don't be on your own case too much, though I know that's hard. Figure out a way to conquer it. You got the job, you've been disciplined enough to keep it for 20 years with or without a SO. You can do this!

(((((S4)))))

[BorderlineMess]

We're here to listen.

I definitely have work related attendance issues, so I understand the frustration. I think Mara had some great suggestions. Mostly I just force myself to go. And I rarely feel guilty for going to work; I do feel guilty for missing it. However, when I'm in angry mode, I know I do much better staying home and missing work rather than cursing out a boss, co worker, or client and losing my job.

I'd just reiterate Mara's suggestions, like rewarding yourself for work attendance for a certain amount of time. Heck, start at rewarding yourself every day after work with something small, then extent it to a week, then two weeks, something like that.

Best of luck with it!

*side note* I know no one probably cares but it's bugging me to no end. I can't edit my post anymore here so I thought I'd just add it's spelled Sabotage not Sabatoge. Errgh :s I hate spelling errors.

[unaluna]

Part of my problem was falling asleep in time to wake up in time. Medication helped but really by then it had become a habit. Are you enjoying your non-work time enough? Family time was non-existent for me growing up. I was the definition of doing nothing and nobody around. Maybe if you try to do more with your off-time.

Originally Posted by hankster

Part of my problem was falling asleep in time to wake up in time. Medication helped but really by then it had become a habit. Are you enjoying your non-work time enough? Family time was non-existent for me growing up. I was the definition of doing nothing and nobody around. Maybe if you try to do more with your off-time.

Not really active right now in life. I tend to be a loner and I'm very non-social. On top of my natural tendency to be isolated, I am a bit stranded since I am without a vehicle and not living close to anything that would be a good place to hang out. :/

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Not really active right now in life. I tend to be a loner and I'm very non-social. On top of my natural tendency to be isolated, I am a bit stranded since I am without a vehicle and not living close to anything that would be a good place to hang out. :/

Ha! So am I! I guess we could take up whittling!!

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Not really active right now in life. I tend to be a loner and I'm very non-social. On top of my natural tendency to be isolated, I am a bit stranded since I am without a vehicle and not living close to anything that would be a good place to hang out. :/

If you live near a bus line, do some research and find a good route to take on a nice side of town. After school or on the weekend, take your boys on an adventure. Go somewhere different and when you get there go somewhere different to eat, plan a trip to a library or a movie theater. They would probably enjoy it and it would go a long way to beating cabin fever. You'd still be non-social; it's not like you're visiting anyone or trying to get a date and it might do all of you some good just to do something different.

Originally Posted by Maranara

If you live near a bus line, do some research and find a good route to take on a nice side of town. After school or on the weekend, take your boys on an adventure. Go somewhere different and when you get there go somewhere different to eat, plan a trip to a library or a movie theater. They would probably enjoy it and it would go a long way to beating cabin fever. You'd still be non-social; it's not like you're visiting anyone or trying to get a date and it might do all of you some good just to do something different.

I take the bus to work. it's very limited and a 1.5 mile walk everyday from the bus stop. getting my boys to walk with me to the bus stop would be difficult and painful at best. I've only just gotten them to stop whining the whole way to the walmart about a half a mile away! O.O

I could take a cab somewhere if I really wanted to though.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I take the bus to work. it's very limited and a 1.5 mile walk everyday from the bus stop. getting my boys to walk with me to the bus stop would be difficult and painful at best. I've only just gotten them to stop whining the whole way to the walmart about a half a mile away! O.O

I could take a cab somewhere if I really wanted to though.

Just a thought...it seems you could all use time out and to do something different...but, yea, I can hear them complaining the whole way! Definitely not worth it.

They're computer heads. I dunno where they get that from >.<