Thought I was in remission until 6 months ago. Had 3 years of a normal life. Fiance did something to compromise my trust and I freaked the heck out. Since then I have destroyed over $12k in his things, and been emotionally and physically abusive. He's on a business trip right now and I think I finally pushed him away forever. If that's the case I have literally nowhere to go. And it's not as simple as apologizing. Though I feel bad about what I've done to an extent, everything was FINE prior to his episode of lying, his excuse making, etc. Those things brought me right back here along with serious panic attacks. I'd check myself into a hospital or something but school starts for me on Monday and I need this last classes to finish my degree. I've already been suspended academically before (not for GPA but for dropping classes while on scholarship) and I can't anymore. I literally have no one. Nothing. Hate my life. Hate him. Don't know what I was thinking having a boyfriend/fiance/ever having a husband. This ordeal has proved to me that unless there's some 100% perfect, never going to hurt me, person out there I can never be married or have a family. Due to a bad childhood and terrible family, those were the only 2 things I really ever wanted. Knowing I am not capable of having those things is such a "game over" feeling for me.

I tried to just ignore him for a few days and all that got me was him changing all his passwords, not contacting me, and sending me one, cold, email. I don't blame him. I physically and emotionally attacked him several times over the last month. I am so messed up. I hate myself. But I hate him too for causing me so much pain.

Then he sends emails telling me changing them was a "wake up call" and here's the new passwords. I feel manipulated. I am so stupid.

[greentires4me]

what about trying couples counseling? and anger management classes for your self...

but he should have a right to his own life passwords or not just like you should have a right to your own life.

you gotta start somewhere to reclaim your life as yours and find new coping ways to deal with all the shiznat that has gone down. The game is over is stop playing into it and start dealing with it.

Originally Posted by greentires4me

what about trying couples counseling? and anger management classes for your self...

but he should have a right to his own life passwords or not just like you should have a right to your own life.

you gotta start somewhere to reclaim your life as yours and find new coping ways to deal with all the shiznat that has gone down. The game is over is stop playing into it and start dealing with it.

Do you have BPD? If it was as simple as not playing into it I wouldn't. He CHEATED. Prior to any relapse I packed to leave and he made these changes ON HIS OWN, un provoked. Thanks for your response, exactly what I needed right now.

[here today]

So sorry you’re having this bad time, but sounds to me like some stuff just got triggered. Now it’s out there, emotional pain and reactivity from your bad childhood.

Maybe there’s some trauma incident, with resulting dissociation/disconection, that hasn’t been fully processed? I was surprised when I found that true for me. I cognitively knew about certain incidents but I didn’t know about some resulting emotions I had disconnected from, because they were overwhelmingly painful at the time.

Can you ask a counselor at your school for a referral to a good specialist? I went to lots of generalist therapists, not knowing myself about the dissociation, and they didn’t pick up on it either. Finally a support group friend recommended a specialist she knew. Finally, I’m finding some relief and sense of wholeness. It’s taken 3 years but maybe won’t take so long for you since this “eruption”, with all its emotion, is so fresh.

I had to “act out” a couple of dissociated states in therapy. At first even my therapist didn’t understand how I had no other way to communicate. How I felt in those states wasn’t connected to anything I could talk about. But eventually that has changed. But it had to start with where I was, with only the ability to react or shut down.

Game is definitely not over. Or maybe – old game is over, better one yet to begin?

[ReddSN]

I know it's hard, and it is easy for me to say since it is not me, but don't give up on every guy just because of some loser. And he is a loser. He cheated. If you feel though that he deserves your effort in making it work, what about some therapy sessions to work through the trust and resulting anger issues?

[greentires4me]

Originally Posted by MissJ94

Do you have BPD? If it was as simple as not playing into it I wouldn't. He CHEATED. Prior to any relapse I packed to leave and he made these changes ON HIS OWN, un provoked. Thanks for your response, exactly what I needed right now.

yes actually I do have BPD...No where in your note did it say he cheated on you.

Originally Posted by MissJ94

Do you have BPD? If it was as simple as not playing into it I wouldn't. He CHEATED. Prior to any relapse I packed to leave and he made these changes ON HIS OWN, un provoked. Thanks for your response, exactly what I needed right now.

Most of us in this part of the forum have BPD. I think greentires4me's response was just trying to be helpful and didn't warrant that response. If you post something here on PC, you are looking for people to respond to you with their opinions, and you have to be ready for the fact that you may or may not like what they are going to say.

Originally Posted by greentires4me

yes actually I do have BPD...No where in your note did it say he cheated on you.

I apologize. I had written about it somewhere before and incorrectly just assumed I didn't need to mention it. Sorry.

Originally Posted by misskeena

Most of us in this part of the forum have BPD. I think greentires4me's response was just trying to be helpful and didn't warrant that response. If you post something here on PC, you are looking for people to respond to you with their opinions, and you have to be ready for the fact that you may or may not like what they are going to say.

I see that now and was extremely upset and defensive at that time. I apologize.

Originally Posted by here today

So sorry you’re having this bad time, but sounds to me like some stuff just got triggered. Now it’s out there, emotional pain and reactivity from your bad childhood.

Maybe there’s some trauma incident, with resulting dissociation/disconection, that hasn’t been fully processed? I was surprised when I found that true for me. I cognitively knew about certain incidents but I didn’t know about some resulting emotions I had disconnected from, because they were overwhelmingly painful at the time.

Can you ask a counselor at your school for a referral to a good specialist? I went to lots of generalist therapists, not knowing myself about the dissociation, and they didn’t pick up on it either. Finally a support group friend recommended a specialist she knew. Finally, I’m finding some relief and sense of wholeness. It’s taken 3 years but maybe won’t take so long for you since this “eruption”, with all its emotion, is so fresh.

I had to “act out” a couple of dissociated states in therapy. At first even my therapist didn’t understand how I had no other way to communicate. How I felt in those states wasn’t connected to anything I could talk about. But eventually that has changed. But it had to start with where I was, with only the ability to react or shut down.

Game is definitely not over. Or maybe – old game is over, better one yet to begin?

Prior to seemingly relapsing 6 months ago I went through DBT and EMDR. EMDR therapist mentioned a habit of disassociation and through EMDR a lot of other trauma was uncovered. Most of it I knew about (instances of sexual abuse as a child, my adoption, abuse/neglect from adoptive parents) but had not processed. It was very helpful. Currently I am seeing a therapist through my school however she's working on her master's so technically she's in training, not a therapist. I have an appointment this week with a trauma specialist who works on a sliding scale. Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it.

Originally Posted by ReddSN

I know it's hard, and it is easy for me to say since it is not me, but don't give up on every guy just because of some loser. And he is a loser. He cheated. If you feel though that he deserves your effort in making it work, what about some therapy sessions to work through the trust and resulting anger issues?

You're right. It's just hard to see when after a chain of bad relationships, this was the one normal one giving me hope that maybe it was C-PTSD, not BPD. And now that doesn't appear to be the case. I am, thankfully, beginning therapy this week with someone more experienced than the woman I work with currently. Thank you.