[Scorpio Eyes]

We live in a world made of gray. So much gray. There is black and there is white. There is good and there is evil. The gray is unacceptable. It goes against everything my mind is capable of comprehending. Seeing all this gray and not being able to process it. My body simply cannot handle it. It reminds me of a bad television show's portrayal of a robot. When faced with "illogical" human emotion, it self-destructs from the pressure it's system faces. The notion of gray is a logical statement that I can't properly process. I see this world as Light and Darkness. Heroes and Villains. Saints and Monsters. Good and Evil. When the fact is simply that it's more like yin and yang. I, myself, see to perpetuate wuji, desperately seeking taiji. Yin and yang are not opposites, but halves of a duality. In harmony. In my world, light and dark must battle. Which gives essence to the nothing. This state of emptiness I live in. Constantly fighting to be whole, again. Wuji. Taiji is the state of harmony. Of wholeness. My life is defined by the black and white splitting so fundamentally apart of Borderline personality disorder it takes control of every facet of my existence.

For a half hour, I've been tossing and turning in bed. Before that, I was in the shower - twitching, shaking, and spasming with suppressed rage and anxiety, until the dam broke and I began projectile vomitting. Why? Because, when I'm overloaded with emotions and anxieties I'm incapable of adequetely coping with, I puke. I suppose it's my body's way of telling me that there's too much inside of me, please remove things. Still twitching, shaking, and spasming. Been doing that all day. People look at you funny in traffic when you're screaming "I HATE YOU!" "**** ALL OF THIS!" "GOD DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!" or "GOD DAMN, ****ING ****!", while punching your steering wheel. Especially, at red lights. Was on the phone with the nice people at the crisis center, because even I'm aware that contemplating impaling oneself with a Japanese sword isn't considered a rational thing to do. Still want to do it, I'm just aware it's a little off kilter. So, what does this post really amount to? I'm not quite sure. This just needed to get out there. Holding it all inside of me is driving me insane. Well, more insane. I'm not a fan of the taste of vomit. Two years of my life were spent vomitting six times every day. I loved High School.

Is this a cry for help? Probably. Can anyone actually help me? No. Even if anyone in this world actually gave a half-damn about me, they couldn't help. The ones who used to care tried to. When it became obvious that no one could break through my self-hatred, defeatistic-fatalistic nature, and chaotic emotions, they gave up on me. They all gave up, sooner or later. No one wants anything to do with a Borderline basket case. Goodnight.

[shlump]

Hi Scorpio Eyes.

I don't know you so i don't know how bad it is for you , but i do know a few borderlines that I care very deeply for.

I hope you find this for yourself somehow. I have seen that there is hope. I have seen people start to heal some of the borderline pain and learn to open up with trust.

Take care

Scorpio, dude... I reject the idea that there is any gray anywhere. Nope. Oh wait, that's exactly what you think. Well man, I understand. I look at the world and it's not that it's not full of good/evil, black/white...etc, it's that we live in a world of zombies that don't like to make a choice of right or wrong, good or bad, the fence is the "place to be" today and it aggravates me to no end also. I don't puke but yeah I feel it. I know exactly what you mean...

Every bit of your post makes sense in the way that it's not uncommon to think these things, what, with your Borderline traits. You're not a basket case, although it seems and feels like it sometimes. My mantra is "everybody leaves" (not sure if mantra is the correct word but you get the gist)

I'm here for you my friend. Pm me anytime.

[XAndromedaX]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Scorpio, dude... I reject the idea that there is any gray anywhere. Nope. Oh wait, that's exactly what you think. Well man, I understand. I look at the world and it's not that it's not full of good/evil, black/white...etc, it's that we live in a world of zombies that don't like to make a choice of right or wrong, good or bad, the fence is the "place to be" today and it aggravates me to no end also. I don't puke but yeah I feel it. I know exactly what you mean...

Every bit of your post makes sense in the way that it's not uncommon to think these things, what, with your Borderline traits. You're not a basket case, although it seems and feels like it sometimes. My mantra is "everybody leaves" (not sure if mantra is the correct word but you get the gist)

I'm here for you my friend. Pm me anytime.

my mantra is "Life is Pain" which extends to "Pain is Growth, Growth is Change Change is Good."

That covers EVERYTHING! ...