[yellow_birdy1992]

I think I'm seriously losing my mind, on a daily basis I feel empty, angry, unsatisfied, guilty, paranoid, unworthy, unloved and extremely depressed.
Even right now as I type this 'rant' I feel empty I feel like breaking down and crying but at the same time I know it will be pointless, another part of me is screaming to self-harm (which I've been free from for 2 months) the last time it scared me, but now I feel it in me, the urge slithering across my skin I don't want to but that's just how I feel right now. My family don't understand, my friends tell me "Please don't do that, it's not worth it." I guess the reason I feel this out of control is over my boyfriend, silly huh?

They are right, he's not worth the pain, just dump him, trouble is I have dumped him, plenty of times but I keep going back to him and I'm stuck in a cycle of confusion, lies and hurt. I'm sick of it!!

It all started in October, he was supposed to move in the city where I live, instead he moved into his deceased friend's house with her family (with her 24 year female cousin living there too) yes I flipped out on him when I found he totally ditched me, broke a promise to me and was now living under the some roof with a girl I don't even freaking know, but he was in a hurry to move in there anyway he had another three weeks to go at the shelter but he moved as soon as he got the okay from the family.

That same week he ignored me for 4 straight days, no texting or calling me, whenever I texted or called him no response, so I got fed up with his BS and broke up with him and during that time I met a guy and started dating him.
Then a few days later I get a text from my boyfriend's friend Meghan and she tells me that he gave her his cell phone then I'm like okay well that explains why he didnt text me back for 2 weeks, then she tells me he has a new phone and I'm like "No he doesn't he has been using his friends phone." just to see if it's true I called that number and no **** he even had the voicemail set up and everything so I *****ed him out and went nuts on him he told me to get a life you stupid **** so I broke up with him yet again.

Anyway, than my boyfriend and I got back to togather and tried to work things out, one night I was messaging him on Facebook and I looked over my friends list and saw one friend was missing and it was him so I messaged him I asked "Why did you unfriend me?" he wouldnt respond so I exploded on him and he basically shut me out.

We then got back togather and upon checking his pictures on his facebook profile I noticed that he deleted all the pics of us togather and when I asked him about it he said he didnt do it and it wasnt him than who did it the freakin toothfairy?

We were on and off again throughout October to late December but more recently once when he called me one the phone the little ***** he lives with pitched a fit and his exact words to her were "I dont feel insecure when you talk on the phone why do you feel insecure when I talk on the phone?"
And I found out he was on Zoosk which is a dating site on facebook when I questioned him about it he said he was trying to meet new friends yeah right I heard that before.

Now...once again he hasn't called me all night or even messaged me on facebook and I feel hurt, betrayed and trapped I feel like the only way out is to end it all...I dont know..I don't know if he is cheating but I strongly suspect that he is I don't have the proof and not knowing for sure it's killing me

[AngelWolf3]

I am sorry you are going through this right now.

Welcome to PC, hope you find the help you are looking for...

[BrokenNBeautiful]

This sounds so painful. I am sorry you are going thru this.

BPD and dealing with relationships can be a living h***.

It isn't worth it. You don't deserve this.

I am glad you came here. Talk to us as you are able.

There are other ways, much better ways, to get the love you deserve.

Carol