discovering my triggers

i'm currently in the process of discovering what triggers my anger issues. i don't know the root of the issues i have, but i'm realizing that at least one trigger is criticism, constructive or otherwise. i don't know why, but when someone criticizes me, even if they're being polite about it, i can't help but shut down and i can feel my face getting hot and my blood pressure rising. there's a physical reaction to it. i don't know how this is supposed to work. but it's because of my inability to i guess handle criticism that i don't post often.

another one is loud noises and lots of visual/audible stimulation. repetitive noises. just noise in general at this point. it just gets to be so irritating.

i'm glad that i can recognize when i'm about to go over the edge and i at least try to calm down beforehand, and i'm really glad that i'm as self-conscious as i am that i've seen this coming for a while before it really got started...

just wish i wasn't going through this. i hate that i go through these stupid rages. i almost went through one just in the last hour. i went into the kitchen and ran the water so i had some white noise, though, to drown out the other noises that were getting to me - all the while, thinking about how much money i was rinsing down the drain, ha. how dumb...

i remember how i used to be, before i got into my twenties. i was a relatively happy teenager! i was normal! i didn't throw fits, i didn't break things, i didn't get mad, not like this. and i definitely didn't yell at people. i still had problems with criticism - would get overly embarrassed if someone didn't agree with me, and i was much more tactless in my replies until i realized i didn't have to reply...at least that's one thing i've gotten better at...

just having trouble dealing with being so quick to get upset...sorry, i know there was another person who posted something similar to my last paragraph but yeah, just reminded me about how i was before all of this started.

i feel so stupid and pathetic for acting like this, for even asking for any kind of help because i don't deserve it, this is just me trying to get attention, i just want to be noticed...maybe since i didn't go through the whole so-called "teen angst phase" i'm subconsciously acting out now, and it's so unbelievably inappropriate now!

introductory therapy appointment is this coming Wednesday. i'm so not ready to talk to someone who looks like Doc Brown from Back to the Future. maybe he's cut his hair in the last year. hope so.

and i still don't even know if i belong in this forum. i have no idea if i'm borderline or not. i can't tell. i know it's something, it's got to be, mentally healthy people don't think the way i do, i've known this since 8th grade health class! mentally healthy kids don't think about going out and killing themselves by jumping into a sink hole on their parents' property just because they didn't get a damn A on their report card! mentally healthy kids don't self-harm in kindergarten while taking some stupid spelling test!

right?? mentally healthy people don't do that, right??? ugh...

Were you endlessly criticized and never praised growing up? That was the theory of child rearing my parents believed in. It sounds like the expectations have been unrealisticly high for you since early childhood. I wasn't there though, what do you think? Was it loud chaotic and frightening for you in early childhood or am just projecting my stuff on you?

true, i was criticized often as a child, but they praised me heavily enough, i would think. i'd agree that their expectations were unrealistic...

i find that whenever i think about how my parents acted toward me, i can't help but think they were just trying to get me to succeed because they knew i could be better than i actually turned out to be, and now i'm constantly criticizing myself and consider myself a complete failure. but they never stayed true to one way of thinking or another, they flip-flopped a lot. one minute they'd say stay true to yourself, don't let other people sway you, be strong, and the next they'd say your opinions don't matter, no one wants to hear you whine, you aren't good enough.

and even now i'm thinking that i'm trying to peg them as the "bad guys" when i know or at least think i know they're not. i can't tell what's real and what's not.

I can't handle criticism at all. I can sympathize with the uncertainty of belonging, having had my own issues with that. I have no diagnosis at all, but bpd seems to be my state of mind, so here I am, and here you are, so...

thank you dream addiction for your trigger observation. i haven't ben officially diagnosed either but believe i'm bpd. i just discovered the disorder in the last few weeks so i'm just getting used to having all my shadows right in front of my face. i'm still looking at the BIG picture of anger but as soon as you said criticism it was like you held up a mirror! it must be part of the abandonment, low self esteem and depression. the reasoning being that if someone it criticizing me they may leave next or obviously think i'm a bad person or stupid. Criticism make me very angry, it's as if i can get mad enough i can make them stop. anyway thanks for pointing that out

I really get the "repetitive noises" part of your post! Sometimes it feels like I'm being assaulted by noise. And, like you, I have a very enraged reaction.

I'm trying to get myself to do things like listen to my own music (with headphones) or just go for a walk, even though usually I end up curled up and covering my ears. But the effort is there!

Also, not sure if it's your thing, but there's a white noise app that I LOVE - it's called 'Relax Melodies', and it lets you customize your own white noise. There's a lot of options on it, and they have a free version available. It's helped a lot, especially when my neighbours are playing ridiculously loud drum and bass right over my head.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone!

that sounds like it would be pretty neat but as of right now i don't have a smart phone, haha. thinking about it, but since i find myself taking a lot of anger out on my phone, not sure it'd be a good idea xD

Lol maybe not! Probably any sound would work - it's just to give myself something else to focus on, besides the repetitive noise. I think the trick is earphones; it's easier to focus on something that is right in my ears.

I think they make, like, titanium phone covers. If you get one, maybe you should invest in that? I used to throw my phone a lot too, always thought it would be a good buy