[ilovecats2013]

I don't really know where to start. I have done so many things in my life I am ashamed of, I just don't know where to go, or who to turn too, and here seems like place without judgement.

I don't know why, but I seemed to become troubled around the age of 17, when my parents moved to another country and I stayed behind. I developed Bulima and Borderline, I don't know what came first, or if they arrived at the same time or I have always been borderline. I don't remember been a happy child, but I have no reason that I can recall for being an unhappy child.

I have been in an out of drugs from the age of 17, I have not really had a big alcohol problem, but do have a problem finding my "stop button" when I start drinking. I am married, have 2 wonderful children and good job and from the outside I think my life would look pretty perfect.

during my 10 year marriage I have had a secret life where I have had inappropriate relationships with men, I have taken drugs without my husband knowing, I have cheated on him many times, and non of them one nights stands. These have been intese relatioships with the wrong men. Only to end up feeling so worthless when he doesn't treat me the same way as I treated them. I try to attract men to see if I am attractive, only to run a mile if they fall for me, or end up a needy idiot if they don't fall in love with me.

I have managed to be 100% free of cheating for over 1 year and am really proud of that. I feel depressed sometimes about not having a man chasing me, because I feel so worthless most of the time. My Husband has given up telling me I'm attractive, and if he does tell me I don't believe him anyway.

If my husband goes to bed before I do, I get scared and don't want to be alone, so I always try and get into bed first so I'm not the one alone in the house. If I know I am going to be alone, I always make sure at least on of my kids are with me. If I am alone I can feel on edge and it can bring on bad behavior and thoughts. It would almost always trigger my bulimia.

I have been bulimic since I was 17, I have been ill for nearly half my life. I have never been in therapy as I am way too ashamed to speak about it. When I was younger my bulima took over my life, and I surely would have died if I hadn't have moved overseas to live with my parents. I recovered very slowly, and during my pregnancys was in full recovery. I have fallen in and out of bulimia over the years, but nothing as bad as what I have been. Right now - I am in recovery - though I don't know how long it will last, because it never has in the past.

I feel like everything that happens in my fault. I always have. I even remember thinking as a kid, everytime I saw my mother crying or upset or my parents arguing that is must be my fault. This affects me greatly at work, because if anyone is ever whispering or has to go outside to talk, or has a private meeting in their calendar - I feel it must be something about me, and I have done something bad.

I am disgusted with my body, my looks, and my clothes, the way I act, walk and talk. I am sure everyone hates me, and I have very few friends. None really - though I do go out with a little group from time to time because we had children at the same time. I normally feel pretty tense in these situations. I can't talk to them about the "real me" because that is just so shameful. There is barely a time where I can look back and think I can be pround of anything in my life - except my kids, I couldn't live without them! I have nothing really to talk about with people, I guess I am obsessed with myself.... I often feel like I'm empty.. boring... stupid... pathetic and have nothing to offer anyone. Most people think I'm likeable when I'm drunk.

I am taking anti depressants for depression. I asked my doctor for them and that was ok. I convinced my doctor I did not need therapy. Again - that would meen telling someone about my problems. I would just like to add I am not longer taking drugs, I have never been an addict, I just seem to take them if they are offered... on impulse. I protect my children with my life and hope they never turn out like me. I do everything within my power to make sure they have an amazing life - My husband now knows about my depression, my previous drug use, but not the affairs or the bulima. I can't bring myself to hurt him that much, even though I know it would free me from the prison in my head.

Anyway I think I will stop here. I don't even know if I am in the right place... you all see really nice from what I have read.

I love Cats 2012

[BorderlineMess]

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find that you can be yourself here.

[AngelWolf3]

I am glad you took the time to write and post, to share a bit about yourself. I definitely think you have found a great place in PC, and I hope you can get everything you are looking for.

Welcome...!

Hello, Welcome to Psych central

I read your intro in the new members forum and it is good to see that you found your way to the BPD forum

[Lisa8010]

thankyou for sharing. Welcome