sick of myself

Hi Everyone

I'm glad I found this forum, I have been spending the weekend reading up - and I must admit its a bit of a relief that I am not completly alone with the feelings I have.

I had a breakthrough of sorts. I have had eating disorders since I was 17 years old - since my parents move to another country. I always thought my problem was I was Bulimic. I have turned this around - my problem has always been Borderline, and I try and comfort myself with harmful things - throwing up, inappropriate relationship with unavailable men, doing drugs, drinking too much.

Now that I don't "do" any of the above, I am just left with my Borderline. So I feel loney, I hate myself, noone likes me, I'm fat and ugly. So what to do - I'm either self distructing pyhsically, or self distructing mentally - I can't win!

Do other people see me, as I see myself? Is the reason I haven't got many friends because I act weird? Or is it because I'm to scared to let people in? Not one peron in this world knows who I am - which is probably a good thing because the amount of ***** I have done is not very likeable.

How lucky am I that I have a wonderful Husband, beautiful children and managed to make a career for myself - all while I have tried to sabotage myself since I was young.... and I don't even know WHY I did all these things..... I just couldn't "not" do them....

My Husbands family hate me, I think they are trying to get him to leave me.... I'm sure he's considered it many times. They have told me that I am hysterical and over the top. They tell him they have to tread carefully around me. I feel bad for my Husband, because its like he has to make a choice between me and his family. When he chooses me I think he's making the wrong choice because I have done so many horrible things. But the times where he visits them, I feel like he's turning his back on me. I am so sick of this world I live it. I am just better keeping to myself and not involving myself with other people. My Husband most likely hates me, but staying because we have two great kids - and I am a good mother to them - despite all my flaws, I've done alright with them. I love them to death.... my babies.

I love Cats 2013

First of all, I'm glad you found us. How do people perceive us? That's a good question that I don't have an answer for. I know a few hate us due to the way we pushed them away. They don't understand and won't/can't understand.....not that WE understand half the time. Others love us (possibly your husband), but our emotions are volatile and they feel as though they have to walk on eggshells around us because they never know what may set us off. To them, our actions and behavior make no sense and try as they might they can't get it. How can they...they are not us and, once again, we don't get it half the time. Most people who don't know us well probably look at us as shy, withdrawn, possibly antisocial, possibly volatile if they've seen us blow, possibly "part of the group" if we've changed our identities to meet them. They may not have even the slightest clue of our inner turmoil. One thing is for certain, however, NO ONE can hate us more than we hate ourselves. We are not bad people despite what your mind tells you; feeling that way is part of this disorder.

You're making a breakthrough. I'll tell you this: the better you know yourself the better you will get. There is no easy fix, you will have lots and lots of setbacks, but when you realize what you're doing and why, it helps. And finding PC is also a great step forward. You are no longer alone! You can vent and share and help others when you feel strong enough to. Feeling part of a group is not a cure-all, but it does go a long way in relieving your anxiety and depression just knowing there are others like you and that you have friends, whether they be real life friends or not. Do not discount your friends regardless of where they come from.

Hey Maranara

Thanks for getting back to me. I can't express how happy I feel for finding this place, I just can't believe how suddenly all my thoughts and actions seem normal in this group . I have always felt like a weirdo since I was a teenager. I used to cry myself to sleep just wishing I could be like everyone else. But yeah - there were some people who did like me.... but more hated me :-( Now at 35 I still the same...

Today I decided to get a referral to a phyciatrist. This is a huge step for me, I have been lucky enough to have a doctor that gave me anti-d's but respected the fact that I was not ready to talk about my problems with anyone. Now I feel that if I don't talk to someone I am going to explode. I just want to learn how to be like everyone else. I am feeling upbeat about the possibilty of "getting better". I have self helped myself for many years, and am proud that I am finally in remission for my eating disorder, but it always come back and I hate not knowing what triggers these attacks. I want to be a good person. I want to be able to do the right thing. I want to stop the voice in my head that says I not good enough

Thanks for writing back

I love Cats 2012

Suggestion: go to a therapist and not a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists like to treat with drugs and BPD cannot be controlled by drugs. Some people take stuff to take the edge off but if you have BPD it won't solve the underlying problem. I just wrote a stack of stuff under Voices and Colors Thread about how to go about it and I'm lazy and don't want to write it again. Take a look and let me know what you think.