Just venting

Don't know how else to describe it. I'm just not very happy with my life right now but I don't know how to change it. I can't keep any enthusiasm for more than a minute or two. My husband and I only have one car at the moment and he's now working part time at night when I'm off so I'm cooped up which is plain-out not good for me. I'm far from a social butterfly but I was never meant to be a recluse either. Yes, I could go for a walk but that's about it. The closest thing that resembles a store is two or three miles away. I could always convert to Mormonism. The closest building besides houses is an LDS church less than a block away (I hope my sarcasm shines in that statement....nothing against the Mormons mind you)....and nothing against PC, but I spend entirely too much time on here, but my addictive personality keeps bringing me back. I need a life! My work, a slight amount of writing, and PC are all I have going for me right now. ....sigh.

This is not home. I doubt it will feel like home, but going back is not an option. I'm 2,600 miles from anyone I know besides my husband's family. Why am I here again?? Why was it so important that I forsake my career of over twenty years and move away from my children and everyone I know? Oh yea, my impulsiveness! Maybe I should have taken my chances and gotten arrested a time or two. But wasn't my moving here just as impulsive? Sounds like I'm totally screwed either way.

If anyone wants the history behind my rant, feel free to search through my threads. I've written about it enough. I'm just angry, sad, lonely, distraught, and very, very depressed depending on exactly which minute you catch me in. And tired. Tired of trying. Trying to make it work, make things better, stay productive, stay positive.

It's night. When I'm always at my worst and when I'm usually alone. I'm sure by tomorrow morning I'll regain a little more of a positive outlook, but it doesn't last. The old mantra "it'll pass" is old. My positive outlook, when I get it here and there, now and then, is the only thing I have going for me right now. I've got to make it last. It's the only way I'll get out of my current situation. I can't depend on anyone to do it for me, but it all just seems so hopeless at times.

Congrats on making it to the end! Aren't I just a bundle of sarcasm tonight?? I'll regret posting this I'm sure, but screw it too. At least I got it out, and I humbly apologize if I offended anyone. That wasn't my intent at all....

A store is 2-3 miles away?? It sounds like you're in the boonies! I'm more of a hermit myself, but I couldn't stand not being able to step out whenever I wanted to. Being without a car... shudders... not kidding. And only you can judge if you really spend too much time here on PC, but I would miss your insight and support if you had to cut back.

Night is the worst, but morning is overrated. Night always comes back. I am your opposition to your positive outlook. I can always see the negative in every situation.

Your comment about getting arrested is very provocative. I know something of your history, but I don't remember any brushes with the law! Maybe I'll have to take a look... that was a very provocative comment. I think I have a vicarious curiosity about it.

I agree...I will have to do an investigation of the past threads of my own as well!!!

I also agree that a lot would be lost if you were not here on PC providing support and sharing your own struggles as well. But yes, as RealF said, only you can judge if you have been on PC too much. (I can tell you I have felt the same way about myself as far as being on excessively during the day when I have computer access...)

I am glad you didn't erase your post, and let it stay...It sometimes helps to vent and be sarcastic and just let it all fly in the face of the world. Nothing wrong with that, in my opinion.

I hope you find something, anything, that will help. I don't have advice, wish I did.

I live in a little town in Idaho outside of Boise. There's a shopping center about 4 miles or so away. The closest things to me are that LDS church and a field of corn or whatever they're intending to plant this year.

To put it blatantly, I was in an abandonment situation and was very, very impulsive in an effort to prevent it. The cops were called on me once and I was threatened with a restraining order as well as harrassment charges if I didn't stop...

And, of course, I didn't say EVERYYHING bothering me here, but you get the idea. I'll be fine. Between getting sick, just hating life right now, and feeling cooped up, I'm just in a crappy mood.

Idaho? You're in the next state over from me?

Yep....I'm in the western part of the state, however.

It must be the day for ranting Mara. Believe me I know the frustration you feel, caught between emotions, the past the present, thinking about how things could have been better or how things might be better and being frustrated feeling like you can't turn anywhere and you can't talk to anybody, with the frustration so overpowering that you just want to scream or lash out. I don't know how all this could be good for anybody but these are real emotions that we deal with I think. Sometimes I'm afraid I'm just going to do something I will regret, like in class or to my girlfriend or to just to anybody in the street who looks at me the wrong way. It's like an undirected and uncontrolled anger at nothing in particular. I guess it's a sense of no control that drives the anger and the frustration. I hope you hold steady until the chaos passes and you find another good place to be in, if even for a short while Mara.

Well. I don't know if you spend too much time on here or not but, for what it's worth, I like seeing you here on PC. It's nice to come here and see familiar people logged on. And you're not always here when I am. As usual, I don't have many words of wisdom, especially not tonight (very sorry, it's a bad night) but I just wanted to let you know I'm here.

I think bad nights are going around right now so no biggie. Most of my feelings have abated, of course, but I'm sick and it's affecting me. Also...it's nice to see the "real you". Maybe I'll get the courage eventually. I wouldn't mind friends on here knowing what I look like, but I taught school for over 20 years and I'm kinda paranoid about being recognized by former students. I can hear 'em now..."We always thought something wasn't quite right with her....no wonder she always blew up at us." I was fairly well liked, but my kids knew I had a temper and some could see the signs of an impending rage. They'd yell at the other kids and say "Shut up or she's gonna blow!"

Sorry Maranara, I can relate to the sad, lonely and depressed feeling in the evening it is when I am at my worse

I might not keep that avatar up but right now I'm not caring too much if people know what I look like. That photo is like, 5 years old anyway.

You're very pretty, I used to have a photo of myself up too but I got paranoid Lol.

Thank you. I may get paranoid too...tonight I just don't care...about much, really.

Wow, 2 - 3 miles away is living in the boonies? maybe 15- 20 would be but I walk 1.5 miles from a bus stop to home! And it's in town! o.O

Just looked. I second this o.O

Mara, I'm sorry for all that you're going through.... I know it must be tough. I live 3000 miles away from my home of 25 years and it was impulsive to move too. I'm happy now where I am and that I did that but it wasn't easy at first. I know how you feel. *hugs*

Perfect. I'm listening to Linkin Park's "Papercut", and you're talking about paranoia.
Ugh. Don't mind me. I'm just in a bad mood.

"Why does it feel like night today
Something in here's not right today
Why am I so uptight today
The paranoia's all I've got left
I don't know what set me off first
or how the pressure was fed
But I know just what it feels like
to have a voice in the back of my head"