I know this is weird but still...

Ok so I joined dating sites before and most recently actually splurged for 3 months of Match.com just to see if there was a difference from the free sites. Funny thing, I'm not actively pursuing this at all just was curious.

Here's the thing. I read profiles, look at the ladies there and you know what? There are some very nice, attractive and seemingly stable women on that site. Much more than on sites like okCupid, etc.. that are free. But here's the weird part. I don't really care much to connect with them.

It freaks me out tbh. Anymore I'm not even sure I am wanting anything to happen there. But why? Because I'm an unstable, emotional wreck of a male that knows that 99% of them would reject anyway. I know so much about myself and how I deal with relationships that I don't think I'm worthy of any of the women that seem to have their sht together. What the heck do I have to offer anyway? o.o

Anyway so I've thought about this. I am not here on PC to date anyone or meet women or anything like that, so I say that up front. I'm here because it's a great community of imperfect people that I can be myself around and be comfortable with talking about things that are real and I don't have to be a friggin fake. Which is what I am in situations where I think the other person has it all together.

Ok so what I've figured out is that I need to find someone, if I decide to go for it, that I can be as open and honest as I am here and know that they are comfortable with it, and don't play the "have it all together" act with me.

ok that ws a ramble. whatever. deal with it. yeah idc anymore. you all know more about me than most people IRL anyway :P haha.

You don't have to comment. Just putting my thought out there for better or worse.

Thanks for listening
~S4

We're all here for the same reasons...this is the only place we feel comfortable and can be our real selves without having to feel defensive all the time. I'm scared to death that Doc John is going to activate the "share" button and end it all... It will allow people to share posts on Facebook and Twitter. I understand this forum is public but it still has elements of being anonymous and a feeling of privacy about it. If people can "share" things so openly, it will lose that. He talked about it in the Tech Support forum this morning.... I hope you didn't mind me putting that in. It was the first thing I saw this morning and it really upset me.....

That's probably the biggest reason I've been out of sorts. I, of course, told him what I thought and posted those thoughts several other places, then I got paraoid that I'd hurt someone's feelings or "hear" about it, and then it went in to "but what if I lose my safe haven??". ....sigh

Hey s4nd

"What the heck do I have to offer anyway"

I think the same way about myself. A very healthy, together person would reject me, why should I even bother?...that is until I found a healthy, together person. My partner is totally together, emotionally, financially, mentally the whole shibang and you know, my illness gets in the way of our relationship sometimes, but because my partner IS together, she knows enough not to let it destroy us. She's healthy enough to set boundaries, and to be honest enough with me to keep our communication open. She understands that it is an illness, BUT she wont let me use that as a crutch either. In other words, my partner doesn't enable me and supports my recovery (because that's what healthy people DO!)

I tried dating someone who was a real mess like me and that turned out into an even bigger mess. This partner enabled me, and had mental issues of her own. This type of relationship is a recipe for disaster (I will use the old cliche' the blind leading the blind). Being with someone healthier than me has propelled me to be healthier (because let's face it , I don't know how many of us have had healthy role models).

Also, when people play like they 'have it all together' they really don't..it's a ploy to appear attractive...many Borderlines come off as having it all together and we all know the truth of that. LOL

No share button. No, no, no, no, noooo, no, no!! Just...no. What utter and complete bulls--- if that happens.

Okay, sorry S4, I know that has nothing to do with your topic but I had to sound off on that.

Yeah, I could have written this post except substitute the pronouns to agree with the fact that I am female or whatever. I spent a fair amount of money in the last few years on Match.com as well as eHarmony, have gone on a crap ton of first dates (but only one or two second dates) and have even put up profiles on the cesspools known as OkCupid and Plenty of Fish in hopes of getting some reasonable responses. OkCupid is okay as long as you're willing to wade through a reasonable amount of email from people who likely don't own a dictionary, who haven't figured out how to pose without making faces that do not resemble a duck and/or with their clothing on, and from people who cannot likely hold a conversation with someone who is over the age of 8. Plenty of Fish...yuck. Stay away. Creeper Central.

Anyway. I may try again this spring/summer. But I feel like my social skills are lacking enough that I'll just be repeating the same pattern of endless first dates. I can't read people well enough to understand how to flirt or to understand whether they're truly interested or not. I feel boring and like I don't present well so...that sucks for dating. And honestly, I think I have a little bit of anhedonia going on right now; I could care less if I have anyone at the moment. I just feel like, at nearly 35 y/o, I should. Meh. Whatever. Idk what my point was, really. Blah, blah, blah. Carry on.

I met my wife through an online site 12.5 years ago, I think it might have been lavalife but not sure. I was also at the point where I was tired of the free sites and popped a few bucks at two pay sites.

Now back when I replied to her ad, there was no picture of her and it took her 10 days to reply back because she was using a computer at the library!lol She posted that ad a year before and forgot about it.

So here comes me out of the blue and we emailed for a little while and than used the phone as she lived in another province and was 3 hours away.

Will insert here that I am in a same sex relationship and while I wasn't diagnosed with bpd until just over a year ago, I also had my doubts as to whether I was even worthy of being with someone.

I have learned that we all have baggage, some just have more than others. Believe me she has her's but we meshed well right from the beginning and after driving to see her every weekend for 3 months I took the plunge and moved to be with her.

No second date u-haul lesbian joke please! Just kidding.

I had to wade through a lot of crap to find someone who could accept me and the whole of me. There was pain and hurt along the way but I came through it and found out what real love is.

So never give up hope, sometimes two people with tons of baggage are able to float pretty good!

I love this story!

I am bisexual and, honestly, have far more desire to date a woman right now. (I have ze-ro desire to have a relationship with a man.) But I feel like I have no real way to make that happen. I live in a relatively conservative area and have only one other person who even knows that I like women and aarrrgghhh! It's kind of frustrating. OkCupid has an option for same-sex relationships and so does Match, I believe. I guess... I don't know. I think I would rather wait until I feel like I've made more progress in DBT. Maybe. I don't know. Anyway. Blah, blah, I feel like all I'm doing tonight is jabbering...

I too met my wife (soon, very soon, ex) online. We chatted and talked on the phone for a year prior to meeting and then finally getting married. Frankly after 14 years (13 married in march), and the mess I've been through, I honestly don't know if the complexities of a relationship are worth it. I'm back and forth on this.

So just so I understand correctly, in your post you're talking about the same person right? I ask because you initially said wife but didn't say you got married at any point and then mention it's same sex. I'm not being judgemental, I just want to make sure I understand. Because at some point it seemed like you were talking about a diffrent person for some reason and that threw me off. Just curious

Legally in Canada same sex can marry but we have not. I have been with the same person, we are definitely recognized as common law. I find it easier to use the term wife since I am 46 and my partner is 51 and using the term gf just seems wrong...lol

The other reason we have not married is that she is on provincial disability and if we married I would have to shoulder more financial responsibility for her and I am in no position to do it.

I had a lot of debt when I met her and I don't expect her to pay for it.

Thanks for the clarification.