[hezaa82]

thanks for letting me share my stuff here.

My biggest problem with BPD is relationships (I'm sure many people are the same way). With the start of the new school year here there have been some changes in the people in my life and change is always hard for us...

Last week I had my last day of work with my coworker J. The thought of being separated from him was really upsetting me and our last day at work together was really tough. But two days later we started our 9 day teacher training course so I saw him there, but it was really different being with him in a big group. At work it had always been just the two of us. I was afraid being in a group together would make me really jealous and anxious but it didn't bother me too much. Of course I was very conscious of where he was and what he was doing at all times, but I didn't get too jealous of him talking to other people more than he talked to me. I kind of got to see a different side of him. Being in a big group of peers all day all week of course is very good for my mental state so I've been pretty stable. I have distractions, I don't feel alone. We'll see how I feel after next week when I'm alone again. But maybe I've started to accept the fact that we are not best friends like I wanted to believe...

Then last night I did something surprising. All of us teachers went out drinking and were at a dance club at around 2am. I ended up going home with one of our new coworkers and I'm not sure why. I had noticed that he was the cutest of the new guys but I wasn't super attracted to him. I could tell that he was kind of attracted to me too. But I was also kind of intimidated by him because he seems really popular and talkative and I'm self-conscious of how socially awkward I am. He also likes to flirt with lots of girls. I was thinking about it and maybe I am attracted to hard to get people... Maybe I feel better about myself when I earn their attention. The last two guys I slept with would fall into the hard to get category too I think. I remember wanting to get his attention when he started dancing with another girl after dancing with me. something to think about....

[Travelinglady]

Yes, I know BPD can make relationships difficult. I found I was attracted to some people very quickly and intensely. That might be what was going on with you. I guess it could be that you like thinking you are getting "hard to get" people, too.