[Ultra Darkness]

Through most of last week, I wanted to be loved. At the same time, I didn't want anyone to care. I have come to the conclusion that there was no contradiction, just a vicious cycle. To explain:

I felt bad about myself. I wanted to be loved, but I didn't feel like I deserved love. When people expressed caring, I wanted to shout, "Don't you see I'm not worth it? I don't deserve to be loved!"
I didn't want people to care, not because I didn't want love, but because I didn't feel that I deserved it. As a result, I lashed out at others to drive them away. Ergo, I fulfilled my own fears about being unloved.

However, I've also realized that love and caring, if it's real, can only ever be unconditional. People who truly care will be there, no matter what, and no one is undeserving of love. Even those who are cruel can be loved, or at least not hated. It takes a special person who can love anyone, no matter what they've done, but it can happen.

These may seem like nothing more than romanticised fantasies, but I'm only 18. I'm young, true, but I speak as one who finds love easier than hate, and more rewarding.

I believe my words. If you disagree with what I've said, you're entitled to your own option.

Thank you for listening.

[Love/Hate09]

You know your words make total sense, they really do. Love is such a weird emotion/feeling, it's unlike any other feeling we can ever have.

I have a friend that betrayed me so completely recently that i found myself hating them to the very core of my being. Utter loathing and contempt was my innermost and strongest feeling. Yet at the same time i just could not stop loving this person. My love never diminshed for them one bit. It is such a strange feeling to be hating what someone has done to you yet loving them so completely that it equals the hate you feel. How could you do this to me? I loved you so much, i gave you everything, and you repay me with treachery and deceit. Yet i still love you, i can't help myself, i just don't have any control over it.

So i do see exactly where you are coming from, the drive people away yet want them to to stay at the same time tactic. I used to do exactly the same to people when i was your age. I saw it as some sort of test, if they really were my friend they would see through the smoke screen and still be my friend. Unfortunately it took me a long time to work out it's a wasted tactic. Most people will take what you say at face value, they have to or they will spend their entire lives trying to work out if what someone is saying to them is the truth or if it's just a diversion of sorts. That get's too tiring for anyone to cope with. But i do understand why you would do this because i used to do it myself.

But also do try to understand that as you try and push people away whilst wanting them to stay the reverse can also apply. Eventually someone can get so tired of this that they will walk away even though they want to stay, they'll pretend they no longer care when their heart is breaking and they still love you to death. If you push hard enough anything will eventually move away. Your words do make perfect sense, unconditional love is the only way, but there is only so much anyone can endure no matter how strong their love is. They can walk away because you pushed hard enough but it dosn't mean they have stopped loving you, it doesn't mean their heart isn't heavy with loss, it just means they'll always remember the love they lost.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I believe this too. And I am 45.

hate and love are the same emotion, expressed in different ways.

there is no hate without love at its root.