defriended

So I got defriended, and I don't mean on facebook, I mean in real life :/

I had these friends(M and Jas) that I know through dance, but maybe frenemies is a better word. Things have been shaky between us for years. We started out as friends but my borderline and codependency issues came out when things got bad and they got very mad at me. I get the feeling that they have some sort of issues as well. They are very defensive and get very very angry.

Anyway last fall I made attempts to reconcile with them and it was well received, but yesterday they told me that they don't want to be friends with me because I'm too much of a "downer." I know that I'm sensitive and prone to depression so I can be a downer. But I really think it's not the one-sided issue that they are making it out to be. This whole situation just makes me feel really confused and I really want to figure out what's right and what's wrong.

These two people have a circle of friends that is very cliquey. They even have a name for themselves, Team K*****. I get the feeling that these two may have low self esteem. They like to make executive decisions on behalf of the group it seems like, ie when they told K that they know that he and I slept together, because they made the decision that it would be better if everyone knows.

And of course I know my BPD issues are at fault too. I'm very sensitive to criticism and I have a strong need for validation. But M and Jas are kind of crass and aren't good at expressing empathy... just a mismatch of personalities I guess? I feel offended by the way they say things sometimes, and lately I've really been wondering if it's ok or not to tell someone you feel offended? I don't want to be a doormat and let people say whatever they want to me, but is it just my BPD that makes me want to tell someone I feel offended?

So what led to this defriending was a couple of events last week. 1) facebook comment. I know M and Jas through dance and there's a dance practice/event every Wednesday night. I haven't been going lately because work has been busy. Last Wednesday I got home from a long day of work and ordered a pizza, and posted a picture of the pizza on my facebook. Jas commented saying "what about dance?" It sounded like she was criticizing me. I responded politely saying that I've been busy with work but I'll go again soon when work settles down. She responded with "haha." sounds like she's mocking me. In comparison earlier that day when I told my coworker friend J that I was going to skip dance because I wanted to be rested for work he responded with "I hear you." It just didn't feel nice to be criticized by a so called friend for my decision to prioritize work over hobbies for the moment. I wanted to say something to Jas but I didn't want to jump to conclusions so I tried to word it very safely - "I don't know what you meant by your comment. I was hoping you'd be more supportive about my work." She responded with "loosen up." The next time I saw her I could feel it in the air that she was unhappy with me. I asked her an innocent question - did you get the costume for the next performance? and she replied really standoffishly - "I don't know, it depends on if Ayumi got it for me or not."

and 2) being stood up. Sunday there was supposed to be a picnic by the river. I texted M and Jas in the early afternoon asking what the plan was. I got no response. Then finally at about 5pm M texted me asking me "are you coming?" I guess it was a relief to know that I wasn't totally ignored. I replied to M that I texted them but got no response. He said "sorry, ah well." That response seemed really cold and I felt like he didn't understand my feelings of being hurt by being forgotten like that. I felt like I had to tell him how I felt. I said that I felt bad all day not getting a response from them and feeling left out. I guess that was the last straw because then he sent me a long message defriending me, on behalf of the group.

This whole situation is of course stressing me out. It's so important for me to be accepted by people. Rejection and abandonment are so hard for me, for all of us. And I'm always trying to do the right thing but my efforts seem fruitless and that's frustrating.

I guess my question is, is it wrong to tell a friend that you feel upset if they stood you up? It feels like I should stand up for myself but is that just the bpd? I guess I have a lot of righteous anger. I feel like I have a right to be understood by people, that people who know about my sensitivities should take them into consideration. I'm starting to guess that's the bpd?

Recovery literature talks a lot about acceptance. Am I just supposed to accept M and Jas as they are and stop hoping they'll like me and include me in their group? It's tricky because even though I know they're not a good fit, we're stuck seeing each other all the time because we have the same hobby and go to the same events, plus I have such a strong desire to belong to a group. It really pushes my buttons when they criticize my behavior because my feelings feel so invalidated and I feel like I have to do whatever I can to get them to validate my feelings. not agree with me, just acknowledge where I'm coming from.

This kind of situation really sends me into a panic. But I've been doing ok I guess... luckily I had a friend to go to dinner with last night. She doesn't know me or my inner workings that well so I could only get very general responses from her when I gave her a rundown on what happened. not super satisfying but better than nothing. Luckily today I was visiting a coworker's school so I had her company, and I'll have company at school tomorrow as well. Usually I have an insatiable urge to talk about what happened when something stressful like this happens, but I don't really have that urge so much this time. progress maybe?

It's just really too bad that I happen to be in-between therapists right now...could really use a therapist's input.

Sorry for how long this got. Thank you to anyone who actually reads the whole thing. I probably haven't done a good job of accurately describing everything but maybe someone can offer some insight.

Thanks xx

no its not wrong to tell a friend you feel upset when they stood you up...besides texting these days isn't high on my top priority list when it comes down to if that person is coming or not now I have to phone them and tell them whats up because texting goes to the way side and I never get the proper answer I am looking for anyways.

I am sorry this happened to you...but I guess you learned they weren't such great friends after all.

I don't know, I feel like some of the texts you were getting may have been misread. It's difficult to interpret tone via text. It's hard NOT to read a text as standoffish or short or cold if you're feeling like the person is being that way to you already, you know? I think maybe these people were superficial friends, that they weren't in a place where they really wanted to worry about your feelings at all, so when they were put in a position of having to explain that, for example, not texting wasn't meant to leave you out, they just honestly forgot to text, they decided that they didn't want to be in that kind of position anymore. It's not your fault or their fault, they just aren't the type of friends that you need.

Thanks. It's just really hard for me to accept someone not understanding me or someone not accepting me. I guess it probably has to do with not feeling loved by my parents and replaying that situation as an adult trying to earn someone's love. I know that my BPD causes problems, but I really have to think that it's weird how they respond explosively to things too.