Confused, lost, meltdown, lonely...

I have so much going through my mind. I don't know how to stop my mind from the constant thinking. Constantly worrying, feeling like I'm making enemies here. I say things to make people defensive or put them on edge and then don't know how to handle criticism. But I don't feel like I know how to handle understanding either. Why, how could anyone understand my irratic thoughts? I don't understand them! To much happening at once and not enough. Never go anywhere. Alone too much. Abandonment feelings are strong. Feel like a fool on so many levels. Just want to hang my head in shame, and now I'm writing this not even really knowing why. Don't expect anything from anyone. Want understanding. Don't know how I can receive anything besides anger and resentment. Self hate is strong. What am I doing with my life? I don't even know what I thinking, saying, writing. I just don't know..... I guess I'm asking for help....but I don't expect anything. I'm a fool. A fool for reaching out, for trying, for writing this. I'm hopeless.

You're no fool, Maranara. You're a warm, kind person. My first impression of you is someone who cares deeply and is easily approchable. I'm sorry you're having all these confusing, hurtful emotions at the moment. Asking for help doesn't make you a fool. OR weak, or incapable. That's what being a member of a support group is all about.

I completely empathise with how you're feeling. While I might not have any solutions, just know that you are not alone, that your experience is shared and understood. And that the intensity of your feelings will pass.

I hope you feel better soon.

Enemies here? Anyone who makes an enemy of you here is a fool. There is no need to make enemies. A few people bug me here - I ignore them. It's not like we're sharing a cubicle.

It's okay if you have different thoughts and opinions than others. I'm sorry you feel self hate. I feel it a lot too. If I get straight A's this term, I'll still feel it. It's just there, isn't it. There's no great reason - perhaps you like me are overall disappointed with your life. I don't know. If you let us know how you would like people to reach back, I'm sure some of us will. What would you like, ideally?

You are working, and I envy that. I am just relying on my husband at the moment. So, you do have things to be grateful for, as do I -- but the pain and hatred take over sometimes.

Take care, Maranara. I am tired and don't know if what I wrote made much sense.

I'm sorry you are going through some tough times at the moment. I wish I could do something to help. I am the same way with criticism. Some makes some small comment and I go into full self hate mode and feel like I am the worst person in the world and deserve to suffer. I wish I knew how to stop that for both of our sakes. I think you are a good person and I appreciate having you as a friend. I hope these feelings pass soon.

YOU are NOT a fool! You're just a human being who is feeling some feelings that all of us (around here) have felt at one time or another. Please don't be so hard on yourself. And there is no way you're making enemies around here; not possible. So don't even go there, girlfriend.

I understand being alone to much; that can be a real problem. I get into those ruts as well and get depressive, lonely, anxious, etc, etc. When I finally get out of the house, even if it's on my own, something changes in me and I'm refreshed. Usually it's best if I go out with someone but that's not always possible for me. Please do something like go for a brisk walk (maybe not in your normal neighborhood) or take yourself and a good book or your computer (if you have a laptop) to a coffee shop. Go to the mall and window shop. Just get out of your regular space for a while to clear your head.

Anyway, I'm thinking of you. Please be easy on yourself.

I, too, have racing thoughts that don't make much sense. It drives me crazy; keeps me from sleeping and keeps anxious. I have meds now that help but leave me dazed and I don't like that either. What I would give to be "normal". I sympathize with you. Sorry you have so much self hate. I do too I guess,because I can't handle my own emotions.
Try to take it easy on yourself.
Gayle

You have been one of the more compassionate caring souls I've written to and exchanged posts with on the forum. I enjoy your blog so much and look forward to reading more of what you have written. I
am sorry you feel so down. When I look at your writing it always gives me hope. I encourage your creativeness.
warm thoughts to you.

Mara

What makes you think that you have made enemies? I too have a hard time taking criticism in fact I 90% of the time always run away.

You have helped so many here and are no fool

I wanted to thank everyone for your kind words. My feelings do not all come from PC. I have a lot of things that have happened the last few days. It's just all compounded to make a big mess for me and to increase my feelings of inadequacy. I hate showing how I feel but this is the only place I can do that. I want to feel or at least appear to be strong and in control but I'm not right now. I know I've helped some people. It makes me feel good to help people, but right now, I can't help myself get through this and it's making me feel like a failure.

In addition, my mind is attempting to make me believe things that I know are not true and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. BPD paranoia and delusions about people and situations.... I know the truth but my mind won't believe it. Fighting...

I understand how you feel... Wish I knew what to say but I never do.

I understand how you feel.. the erratic thoughts, never going anywhere/being alone, the feelings abandonment, self-hatred.. all of it. But you're not alone and you're certainly not a fool!

Maybe you could try quieting the thoughts with exercise? Or self soothe, what I like to do is take baths and splash water on my face.. it puts the brain in a different mode, focuses it on sensations.

Maybe you could go out somewhere? Go out to a coffee shop and read.. smile at the cashier and maybe say something about the weather. I find that being nice and friendly to others can help with my mood and make me feel less isolated.

You could also maybe meet people via the internet, I use meetup.com and girlfriendsocial.com (I'm actually meeting some people from there soon! and plan on going to a movie outing that I heard about via meetup.com)

I hope you feel better!

Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear you are in a bad way, and I'm glad you reached out to us. You are so helpful and supportive, and now you're giving us a chance to be the same for you.

I surely do understand the racing thoughts, the loneliness, abandonment, self-hatred. I guess maybe we all have that in common to some extent. I too spend way too much time alone and I have no motivation to do anything about it right now.

This is probably not helping. But I do hope you "feel" us and that somehow helps just a little.