[saudade7]

first off--not depressed.
I'm active, have a relatively high self-esteem, creative etc

but I have to be alone virtually all the time.

it's like the moment someone interrupts my alone time, or if just the idea that I might not get to be isolated at my accord comes into play I stop being peaceful almost instantly. I get angry to the point of having homicidal thoughts towards the one(s) who interrupted me. I start hypervantilating, crying, hitting myself on some occasions, having a panic attack.

Sometimes I will be alone in my room but even if a door in another room is opened or shut, or if I hear people messing with dishes in the kitchen I get paranoid and secretive. I have terrible noise anxiety that came about less than a year ago.

I am also unable to keep up a conversation for long. Small talk is difficult and extremely uncomfortable for me. Yet I think highly of myself. I don't understand why people make me so uncomfortable and anxious. I didn't used to be this way. Seemed to progress each year gradually since high school. When people interrupt my isolation I automatically believe they are doing it on purpose sadistically/malevolently. I view them as fiends getting in the way of my happiness on purpose. I genuinely only enjoy things to the full capacity if I am enjoying them alone. I am in a personal paradise when I am alone. It's like being snatched out of it and thrown into a cage when I am forced to be in someone's presence. I think even if I were invisible, like a ghost, I still wouldn't be able to function around people because I'd still be able to see and here them.

I'm not sure if this is schizoid though or just ****ed up because I do have a strong libido and I do have interests and I can become infatuated with someone. I simply can live without them and would prefer to live alone. The only way I could see myself in a relationship is if the person was very much like me in way of thinking and if I could be isolated from them at the snap of a finger.

My discomfort around people makes me very domineering and hostile. It is preventing me from functioning in the world, and is turning my parents against me, which is bad because I am still financially dependent, though not their legal responsibility anymore.

[sux2bme]

I'm sorry I can't help. I don't experience that at all, but I hope you find someone who can accept you as you are or that you can get some help with it.

I don't think this belongs in the BPD forum because it doesn't sound anything like BPD to me. I don't know much about Schizoid but from what I do know about it, it seems that people with it tend to be aloof, appear to others to be dull and emotionless. Do you think maybe you could have Social Anxiety?

[saudade7]

I am extremely paranoid. Once I got this idea for no good reason that my dad and the neighbor were conspiring to film me exercising in my swimsuit so they could get off to it. over the last 9 or so months my hearing has become more acute. But even before that back in high school I can remember being fearful of noises in the house. All footsteps and all doors closing sound angry to me. I am suspicious of everyone's motives--especially adults an even more specifically adults with authority of the female sex. I do struggle with misogyny and have felt superior to other females from a very young age. I can recall being a social/society critic at a tender age as well. Quite self-aware and aware of others. People think I'm not observant, but really I just don't observe the same things and I don't usually give away my findings.

I am highly sensitive to criticism...or I was. I've conditioned myself to not give a ****. It would actually hurt me more to be called womanly than boring or selfish or vapid.

Yet, I do still perceive things to be insulting or meant with anger, even when the speaker claims they did not intend it that way. Sometimes the thing doesn't have to be said. I just sort of predict it will be a direct stab at my character.

I hide in my room a lot and avoid my mother and step mother and company. I constantly think they are maliciously trying to sabotage me somehow, yet I know they are not clever enough, so i shouldn't feel this way. Maybe they read Malevolence for Dummies...

Similarly with "friends" (I have place filler friends I have hung out with in the past but no one other than maybe one person I share a genuine bond and loyalty with)
I will start to think they are all having orgies without me on weekends, even though they live in different states. That they all secretly take me for a fool and don't think my arrogance is justified.

This usually occurs after I've felt pretty lofty and thought I was deserving of abundant admiration and didn't receive it. Although I am not much for the company of others I do NOT like being ignored by those I want praising me. Of course I cannot be expected to return this.

I get very possessive over many things. Food, space, time, etc...lately I've become so MINE over the neighborhood swimming pool that I find myself muttering "oh my ****ing god you ****ing people deserve to die i hope you die" very quietly but still out loud on the sidewalk if I see someone's car already parked there. Then I'll enter so they see me seeing them, then leave to show that I do not want to be where they are. Last time this happened I had a mild panic attack during a walk I decided to take in the mean time. I think about living transiently on the streets from time to time these days. I'm obsessed with the idea of being "free" although I know that is but an elusive dream.

have you considered something like autism? i don't know anything about this but this sounds kind of like how my brother acts. he shuts himself up in his room and doesn't really deal with people much. but i don't know what goes on inside his head.

have you taken any of the personality tests from the main page? here's the link: Psychological Tests and Quizzes

i've taken all of them just to see if i matched anything. i'm sure it would help you at least narrow some things down. good luck.

[saudade7]

It is a lot like autism in some ways, except that autism is pervasive and present since childhood, while this happened to me during my adult life over a period of less than a year. Maybe it's just paranoia on its own...

Yes I've taken those internet quizzes and usually score highly in cluster A, but I don't rely on them.

This is why I suspected borderline though:
Paranoia and Borderline personality disorder combine into Hermit Borderline. Hermit's are usually second generation (or more) because of Witch Mothers. Witch Mothers are abusive, erratic, dramatic and generally out of control. Because of this, her child becomes traumatized. As the child grows into an adult, there is no safety and security except in hiding, so the frequent bouts of post trauma stress have created a barrier at developing the self and getting on and out in the World. Eventually, the young adult turns into a Hermit and rarely feels comfort at mingling with the rest of Humanity. Instead, it's Paranoia he feels.

Hermits will want to feel walled-in and safe from predators (which he believes his Mother is.) According to Christine Lawson, "they retreat into the blackness that threatens to consume them." Hermits are terrified of not having control- and suicide is the ultimate form of control to them. They feel robbed and violated as children- and live in fear of domination as well as desertion.

"The Hermit is a perfectionist, a worrier, and like most Borderlines, an insomniac. Their anxieties can keep them awake at night" (Lawson pg.80) IMO, this is generally the basis for the incorrect diagnosis of Bi-polar.


There is such a sort, and it would make sense with my mother being a "queen/waif" type and her mother being a "queen/witch".

I should mention that before I stopped liking the company of others I had to have it regularly and would get really paranoid that people secretly hated me if they said they were busy.

asperger syndrome is a high-functioning autism spectrum disorder which, a lot of the time, doesn't get diagnosed until a person is much older, when it might start causing problems. Asperger Syndrome | What is Autism? | Autism Speaks

not saying that's what you have. just saying maybe look into it.

[saudade7]

Maybe. I took a very extensive test and scored negatively on it though. And I used to be VERY socially adept. I would always cringe when I noticed other people being inappropriate or awkward on accident in a social situation because I knew how to never embarrass myself. And I'm not gullible. I am suspicious.

Just curious--have you seen a psychologist about this? The forum can't diagnose you, but if you want an opinion, I honestly don't think that any of this sounds like BPD. Not to me, anyway. This statement that you made stuck out to me: "This usually occurs after I've felt pretty lofty and thought I was deserving of abundant admiration and didn't receive it. Although I am not much for the company of others I do NOT like being ignored by those I want praising me. Of course I cannot be expected to return this." Please understand that this is not meant to be a criticism of you by any means. I just cannot imagine this statement being made by a borderline. Borderlines, in general, don't feel lofty, they feel depressed and low. They don't feel deserving of abundant admiration, so when they do get admired they usually either miss it or are suspicious of it. They don't expect people to praise them, they expect criticism. And while it feels like death, they are used to being ignored and invalidated--this is the crux of the disorder. So...no, I do not personally believe that you are borderline. But that's just my opinion.

[saudade7]

I guess I'm just a lost cause. Nothing seems to fit. I've even asked an actual doctor.

Originally Posted by saudade7

I guess I'm just a lost cause. Nothing seems to fit. I've even asked an actual doctor.

Well, I think a lot of us feel the same way. Many pdocs shy away from diagnosing personality disorders, for a variety of reasons, sometimes simply because insurance doesn't cover them.

I'm being treated for BPD but I also feel that Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD) fits me. Of course, I was officially diagnosed (in the hospital) with "Personality Disorder--Non-specific" so hey, maybe I am both.

Don't feel that you're a lost cause. You're not. You're just finding your way. Keep working at it--it's entirely possible that more than one thing will fit.

[saudade7]

Maybe it's just paranoid personality disorder idk

Originally Posted by saudade7

Maybe it's just paranoid personality disorder idk

*shrug* I don't know either. Sometimes we can get hung up on labels, I think.

[saudade7]

true just wish i knew the cause of this

[shezbut]

Honestly, my personal opinion is that you don't have BPD. Your descriptions just don't seem to match, imo.

"When people interrupt my isolation I automatically believe they are doing it on purpose sadistically/malevolently. I view them as fiends getting in the way of my happiness on purpose."

That description sounds as though it is an intensely held belief that is wrong, a delusion. You seem to recognize these beliefs are wrong, but they are still dominant.

"All footsteps and all doors closing sound angry to me. I am suspicious of everyone's motives--especially adults an even more specifically adults with authority of the female sex. I do struggle with misogyny and have felt superior to other females from a very young age. I can recall being a social/society critic at a tender age as well. Quite self-aware and aware of others."

This long held perspective doesn't seem to fit BPD either, imo. We, as people with BPD, have a tendency to change personas in different relationships. Like "normal people", we may have patterns, but we're almost always questioning who we really are & what we actually do/don't like.

I think it's great that you have seen a doctor, to get his/her perspective! That shows recognition that things in your life aren't real "normal". What kind of doctor did you see? Did the doctor prescribe any medication to you? Did the doctor seem concerned about any of your thoughts or beliefs at that time? Did you see this doctor during a rough time, or in a relatively peaceful time in your life?

I really do think that you should see a psychiatrist to get the appropriate tests done. It's awfully difficult to get a clear idea of what's happening without verbal tests and sometimes brain scans are necessary to pinpoint abnormal activity. I know that you aren't real keen on the idea ~ but, try to remember: it is the best way to gain some help with your anxiety and crummy sleep pattern.

[saudade7]

Thank you. The last psychiatrist whose opinion I got just wrote it off as normal anxiety and a bad mood. But I tried explaining to him that my mood is very consistent and peaceful until I get company I didn't ask for. That is virtually the only thing in the world that can ruin my mood that quickly. And I used to have "normal anxiety". This is worse and is becoming debilitating. This morning my father said I make him sick and have a real problem because I accused him of looking up random stuff on the internet (his computer is in my room) on purpose to infringe upon my alone time more.

[shezbut]

saudade7,

I didn't realize that you're living with your parents....I must have missed that aspect while I was reading. That changes things.

It isn't uncommon or strange to struggle with just wanting to be left alone; wanting your own space, free from other people's rules. That is very normal. At this stage of our lives, our family often disgusts us because we feel so impeded upon. We just want to get the hell out of there and be alone!

What holds you back from moving out? Are you going to college and/or working? If not, that really does help relieve a lot of the anxiety and stress. It helps you find a subject that moves you ~ one that you want to learn more about, which leads to a path in a career. My parents were unable to pay for any of my secondary education, so I did it myself. I worked part-time, applied for grants, and went to community college for several years (which helped me find my true career interest and get general education classes out of the way). I got a scholarship that paid for my 3rd year of college, after transferring to university. Then, I finally got a student loan to pay for my senior year of college. Point is, it can be done ~ with or without help from others. I also worked part-time, up until my senior year, which went towards paying my rent and food.

There are doctors at community colleges and universities that provide professional services at very low cost to all enrolled students. Going in for medical and emotional services would not be a problem, nor would it be looked down upon. They are all decent doctors, and will tell you if additional tests are necessary ~ as well as any needed referrals.

((hugs)) to you....

[saudade7]

Yeah maybe I just need to be around people my own age.

And yes, I am expected to be returning to college after a hiatus.