I'm thinking about cheating on my boyfriend

So I have a boyfriend (Chris).. we've been a couple for about a week. I like him a lot, he's very nice and sweet.. things are stable and comfortable, we hang out frequently, he says and does things to make feel good but there's no passion... I'm not totally unattracted to him, I find him attractive and can get turned on by him but it's just not nearly as intense as previous encounters and tbh I am a little disappointed by it. I went on the dating site (I didn't delete it) and started talking to this one guy.. then stopped myself and then I wound up messaging a guy (Stephen) I had dated for 8 months whose totally anti-commitment and wound up breaking my heart and I think he and the situation really triggered my BPD traits at time we were dating, esp the splitting and I experienced some psychosis when we ended things. When I messaged I asked him about being friends/making music, we were talking about doing that months ago but then stopped talking.. I'd like to be friends/make music with him, but I have very strong sexual feelings for him and I'm wondering what I'd do if we hung out and the opportunity for sex was there... would I cheat on my boyfriend? would I tell him? I don't want to break up with my boyfriend, for the first I have a healthy-stable relationship with someone.. I like having someone to hang out with and wake up to. I know I probably shouldn't be talking to my ex, but I want to.. I keep thinking maybe him and I could make music, I like the idea of having all these deep, passionate feelings for him but not acting out on them with him in a sexual manner but instead channeling all the sexual frustration through music. I've always wanted to make music, ever since I was little.. at around 9-10 I fell in love with The Beatles and my "dream" was to start a band and I remember watching No Doubt's "Don't Speak" video and thinking that if I could get up on stage and sing then everyone (my family, peers, teachers) would understand me.. Stephen appeals to the little girl in me, the little girl that want so badly to express herself and be understood, he brings back that passion.. one of the first things that he asked me when we met was if I sung, because he could tell from my speaking voice that I did... I think I could make music with him, I'd just have to keep my urges in check.

I know a lot of people might tell me to break up with Chris if I don't feel passion for him but I really don't think that passion can co-exist with healthy/stable in a relationship.... I really think that for me it's an either/or thing and I should just accept it and be happy with what I do have and try my best not to **** it up. I really feel like a terrible person thinking about cheating on him though.. I think I'm just a fickle person and haven't had a relationship since I was 18 (I'm almost 25 now) and it's taking some getting used to.

Sorry for rambling, but this has been on my mind a lot lately and I just really wanted to get this off of my chest.

I think I know what you mean. My previous relationships have been very intense, either intensely good or intensely bad. I think when we encounter a person where we exist in the middle of the two we don't quite know what to do with it. I often feel as if I have no feelings or emotions if things aren't either black or white. Maybe that's what you're going through and you're missing the intensity. I think it's more about that than music. Stability's just not anything we're used to. All I understand is extreme emotions, I don't grasp how you're supposed to be 'alright' or 'stable'. I guess that's something to work with. But if you really can't get used to the stability and you feel that you need more, it is probably not right to stay with your boyfriend, unless you're willing to work with it and learn how to settle with just good.

One week hardly a boyfriend makes. BUT as you know with BPD, relationships can be very intense, and very unstable. Watch out for too much drama.
Try to slow down and take one person at a time. As you know, passion doesn't last, you need to know that that is OK, normal, and there are slow times, even dull times,
think about what you really want from a relationship. you will know what to do.

I'm not sure where you got the impression that passion and stability cannot co-exist. The thing about passion is that you should have that in a relationship along with deep love and stability. Passion is something that comes and goes, it ebbs and flows and until one accepts this reality and stops expecting to have it 24x7x365 they'll always be unhappy. I give it to you this way. I am an artist and have a strong passion for doing things with my art skills but... that being said even with my art, having been an artist pretty much all my life, it doesn't remain steady, even with that it comes and goes.

You're too young to be thinking that you should settle for someone, in spite of how you feel about them. I mean, why even be with someone if they spark nothing in you? If you go that route, you're almost guaranteed to end up in a very dispassionate and boring relationship n the long run and not very many people can do that long term, let alone for life (as in marriage, not that you hve that goal right now)

If at this point in your short relationship you're already looking outside the "yard" so to speak to the greener lawns elsewhere, you're right, I'm gonna say something's not right and you probably shouldn't even commit yourself to this guy yet. Perhaps dating them for longer without the long term or steady exclusive relationship is the way to go. In all honesty, if you're ready to commit to someone, you won't even question, you won't be looking, you won't consider others because the one you have will be enough.

I don't think you know what you truly want and for taht reason I think you should continue dating others, whether you keep this guy as a date partner or not I don't think youre ready for an exclusive relationship at all.

I get the feeling that Chris is your 'friend'. Not all friends are lovers. I think you'll be better off if you simply tell Chris the truth - you're friends but not friends with benefits. Perhaps you'll find out he's not attracted to you as well and that's why you're not owning up to it?

No one likes rejection - but a friend is really better than a lover any day, in my opinion.

Only if you feel that the two are mutually exclusive. I feel a lover should be both.

I have to agree with s4, and I would add that hanging out with the ex is really playing with fire. Even if you think that you can do it without anything more than just a friendship happening, it's already been admitted that there is really no passion felt for Chris and there seems to be more passion felt for the ex so... I have a feeling that it would be too hard not to give in to temptation. Chris probably deserves better than that, no?

Absolutely agree with this.
I had many intense relationships and they were all sort of like an addiction. Not good for me, but desired intensely, leaving me craving more and hating it at the same time.

I had a friend I met when I was 25, and I really liked him, but we just hung out because he had a g/f and I had a b/f. It never really moved past 'friend' stage cept for a few fool arounds here and there over a ten year period. Then one day we looked at each other and realized that we were best friends AND that fooling around felt pretty good and when we got together there was a stability, a comfort AND an amazing passion.

Most importantly, I knew I was ready to commit to him. I had, until that point, been 'dating' many different guys but I knew this one was it and had no issue at all with waving goodbye to everyone else and committing myself to just him. That was 9 years ago. (married for 6 of those years and have now known him for almost 18 years)... so really, as stated by others. No rush. Do not have a committed relationship with someone that you don't feel you want to be committed to 100%.

Its not fair to anyone and really, being in that relationship is not necessary right now. However, also beware of chasing down the involvements with others that stimulate the excitement factor like a bad drug. THAT's not a good thing either.

In a perfect world, you could have them both. Some men are even into sharing. Generally, though, for some reason it seems like polygamy is only for men ...

Actually in a perfect world people would have no need to have multiple mates because they would be perfectly matched with the one they were with.

I'm going to stick with what I said. In a perfect world, everyone would be able to get what they really want. They shouldn't have to change what they want in order to get it.

There are no perfect matches. There are couples who make it work anyway.

You hit the nail on the head!

But see that's a contradiction to your original statement of "in a perfect world" In a perfect world there would be perfect matches, at least in my mind that's part of what would make it perfect.

I couldn't agree more. If you play with fire you'll get burned.

You probably have a pretty good idea what'll happen and you're trying to seek reassurance that you're wrong.

Feel free to correct me if I'm totally wrong though

Phreak

Actually, there are few perfect mates for anybody, there is always a need lacking, hence why we have *friends*, and social norms expect us to conform to monogamay by getting all our sexual needs met by our 'partner' :/ I believe monogamy was brought in in medevil times roughly, when they realised that diseases spread through intimate/close contact, thus made women, the oppressed ones, conform to it as social culture, while men went out and fikked anything that moved, and brought home all the diseases to the poor monogamous wives......

However on this issue, if someone is THINKING ABOUT BECOMING A CHEATING XYZ, then perhaps they ought to have a long hard look at their life and decide what they actually *want* before hurting an innocent person just to get jiggy wid it?

I think it is calling swinging, or something like that. Supposedly people do it by agreement and it isn't cheating.

yes it is called swinging and it's true in that type of relationship, neither partner would consider it cheating since both accept this as the norm. But that's quite off subject for this thread really since this is about one considering 'cheating' meaning that the other partner has obviously not agreed to it in the first place.

That's the thing about negotiating; if you don't ask the answer is automatically "no". In this case I just mean a very limited example: one woman who would have two men. It isn't like she would ask them to be in bed with her at the same time. Probably.

As a traditional polyamorist I agree that in a perfect world there would be little jelousy and everyone would gt what they want.

I hung out with my ex a couple times and realized that I'm not missing anything. Another ex contacted me, which was really surprising, he told me he broke up with his girlfriend a week ago and keeps talking to me so I'm assuming he's interested in sex but I don't give a ****. I think I'm happy with Chris, I'm warming up to him a bit more.

Yes, I wish I could have two romantic relationships. One that's a more emotional thing that's good for me and another that's more of a lust fueled thing. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure the guy I'm with now wouldn't be into that.

I did date a married man once, him and his wife had an open marriage, it seemed to work really well for them.