Something I'm compelled to say...

Ok I've read post after post in this forum and after today's reading and responding to a few posts here and there, I feel compelled to say this to everyone or at least many of the people who frequent this part of the site (BPD related forum)

The longer I read the posts on here, the more I see that many, if not most of the people here (including me much of the time) take a lot of heat for failed relationship, problems in life and everything in between. Truthfully we take the responsibility for many things that possibly are not entirely our own faults or responsibilities.

Namely relationships. I come from a relationship that was not great for many years, I was blamed and blamed myself for the unhappiness of another, my now ex wife. Hindsight being 20/20 I see things a bit different. Granted, I still see my obsessive, anxiety ridden and emotional turmoil that I went through and put my ex in but at the same time. I realize it was not all me.

It takes two to make or break a relationship. I am responsible for many of the things that were not right but so was she. Also in the end, I did not choose to leave, she did. how can that be my fault? A commitment is a responsibility YOU make and if you stick with it, and they leave, how can we say that it's our fault they broke theirs? Anyway.. I meant to go into the reasons I'm posting this but have digressed I apologize.

Here's the thing. If I'm so messed up, and I was so horrible as a husband, lover and everything else, why is it that she's continued to struggle after she left? How come it is her life that is even messier than mine? Why did she, not I, end up with some younger dude only to find out he was a terrible bf and mean, and how come she ended up having to leave yet another relationship? She's the one moving back to her father's house, at 45 yrs old, leaving her children with me, so that she can get her life in order, get a job hopefully and get straightened out. How is it that I still have the job I've had for over 7 years but she is unemployed and struggling?

Fact is, I am a single dad. Doing everything for my kids that I can as that father. I am working full time, feeding everyone in my house keeping us clothed sheltered and all that comes with that. I am doing it, and have been for over a year now.

I will admit a big portion of this is that I am alone. I am finding myself, I am learning real independence and how to do things myself with some help from friends but mostly on my own. I get by, I still struggle but I still get up off my behind, I tie my shoes and head out the door to get yet another day in my life done. I do suck at relationships but my hope is that finding myself will either fulfill me so much that I need not find another or when I do, I'll really be ready. I don't care which.

Truth is, each and every one of you that show up on this forum are good, strong, valuable people - don't ever let life or anyone tell you otherwise. you're emotional and carry a bit of baggage but who's to say yours is bigger or more messy than someone else's ? Let them judge you, let them walk away from you because they can't deal but in the end, they were the quitters, not you. YOU are the ones that in spite of the shtstorm you deal with everyday, you keep going. Keep trying and will eventually win. I promise you this. Just don't stop. you're much better than that.

::: steps off soapbox :::
Hugs to all of you
~S4

Sandman I admire you so much for being who you are. I see the compassion that you show for your two children whom you love and support.Your heart is in the right place. You also say so many things on forum that are inspiring as well as true. I appreciate what you are going through emotionally, and yet you encourage those of us who don't always see the light at the end of the tunnel. good things will come your way.
warm thoughts to you.

Thank you so much for this.
I haven't had many partner relationships, but I have been blamed in work, family and other more casual relationships for the effects of burdens I carry.
Also it's great you've realized you don't need to carry all the blame/responsibility, it seems.

I think I needed to hear that today.

You're welcome. Thanks for your words.

You have impressive insight. What you wrote is so true. It made me think about events in my life. What really stood out for me was this: going it alone teaches a person so much about oneself.

Why do we take responsibility for the behavior of others? We cannot control their thoughts and actions.

For me Little, I feel compelled to, and always have.

Thank you for this

To answer your question about responsibility of others - My thoughts are, people take the blame for others partially out of habit because we may have been blamed for things at a young age a lot. Another part is the self imposed martyrdom. I know that for me, I can soundly say that it's part of my make up to be self sacrificial. As with any personality trait IMO, there is a negative and positive. When it is a balanced person with self-awareness and at least a little confidence it comes out as being a supportive and helpful friend. On the negative side it comes out as you see here many a time, a person giving themselves up to be a doormat, allowing others to walk all over them and make them feel small and worthless.

I think too, this is tied into our way of enmeshing our identities with others. When you are one that finds one's self in other people and mold to them so much, it follows that much of what may be the other's fault falls on yourself.

Thank you so very much. This means a great deal. Part of why I am compelled to post my thoughts with attempts to inspire positivity and hope in others is not only because when I am feeling this way do I want to share it but my being able to say these things a way to redirect my thoughts if I'm tending toward the negative or keep going in the right direction if I am not. So it's both trying to give but mildly self serving too (hate that phrase though)

Glad that I could give you something you needed

Understood. Better than you think i do. Thing is, understanding the "why" behind the compulsion is helpful to rethink -- for those times when a more balanced view is needed.

Remember the next time you argue, fight or are left by someone... if they didn't contribute to the dissention of any kind and the conflict, would there have been one at all? If they were more thoughtful when you're losing it and tried to be understanding would things have gone different? Not that it's all in their hands either but both you know? An argument with one person quickly ends.

My brother does this. Whenever he decides an argument has gone too far, he just stops talking. It drives me crazy when he does it, because he doesn't answer me at all, but it sure stops the argument. On some level though, I think I'm glad he does it. I'm naturally aggressive, and can never leave an argument alone. I think it's because I don't like giving up, even when our fight is about something stupid. Anyway, if he didn't end the argument, it never would end. So, yeah.

I have just taken time to read and i have taken in everything you have said, god i know exactly how you feel , she walked out on me, she cheated on me twice and it was my fault !!!!!!!! Yes i do feel it was my fault but she knows i loved and cared and now im on my own dealing with this and i will become a better person. You / we may have issues but if a partner loved and cared like they said they do then they would stand by you no matter what. I will admit i am gutted that my partner has chosen to walk even though we split 6 weeks ago and i only got diagnosed last week she has still chosen not to be there for me. In a way i do not blame her as she has said the 6 years together have been not good and she doesnt want this anymore but i will be straight and say if it was her who had it i would of looked the disorder up and then thought she needs my love and help as she couldnt help having this disorder. I believe that oneday i will find a partner who loves and cares for me and you will find the same but first i need to become a better person and that i will. Good luck and keep strong .

Good luck to you too.

I know it feels like it was your fault but I've been through two marriages. First one cheated and I was blamed for her cheating not only by her but by my own freaking family. I have not let that affect me because I can't control whether my partner cheats and never have I believed that one can be "driven to cheat" It's a personal choice. With the same wife, I knew she was cheating, never once was I tempted to do the same or was I "driven into another woman's arms."

You can only be responsible for the part of the relationship that you contributed. Just because you have personality issues does not mean the breakdown of the marriage or relationship is ever all your fault. Don't ever believe that. I have learned to take responsibility for what things I did wrong but it will always remain her choice to leave (both instances).

I don't believe either way about finding a partner. It may or may not happen but either way I have to be content with me as I am and whether or not I find someone or they find me (as I'm not really the go getter) I'll be better off. Just focusing on the here and now and what is.

I am, in some ways, stronger than I've ever been. Thanks so much for your encouraging words.

Exactly my point. And it goes into relationships and everything else. conflict is never one sided, tht's an impossibility.

Also I know exactly what you mean. In the heat of an argument I have always had a hard time stopping until i'm satisfied with a resolution. Unfortunately continual beating of a dead horse never results in anything but gore

Ew.

sorry haha too graphic huh?

Graphic doesn't bother me much, but still. Ew.

I was always there, until the day I needed help. Then it was shut up and quit your whining. That was the last straw for me. I exploded.

The same has happened to me. My younger brother knew I was set off easy, so he would constantly provoke me, knowing that I would explode, so he could get me in trouble. Of course, my mom always took his side. When I lived with my sister and her husband during my last 2 years of high school, and even for several years after that, they blamed for my all my sister's emotional and mental problems (I won't go into detail rite now). When I was married to my first husband, I was blamed for him being so violent; when I was married to my 2nd husband, I was blamed for mental illness.

Thanks for this. It's hard to believe sometimes, especially when you try to get the other person to see how much they are affecting you and they constantly say, "But I'm not doing anything..." Then you really feel like the crazy one.

When I was living with my sister and brother-in-law (for my last couple of years in high school) they would purposely try to provoke me: making fun of me, embarrassing me, calling me names, lying to people about me, punishing me for things they knew I didn't do. They did this knowing how upset I would get, so they could punish me for reacting. They were allegedly trying to "teach me a lesson." And of course, I was "rebellious" for reacting.

Many thanks for your reply. Life can be pretty s**t at times. I am personally finding this very difficult to deal with. I am awaiting to see a shrink to see what they can do but even everyday things are now getting me down and I cant see a way out of this.

I know exactly how you feel. I am glad I am not the only one who has this disorder.

I had a coworker who did this to me. And what's worse is that everyone believed him, right on up to my boss. What's even worse? Ready for this? We got through the period of time where he was doing this s--- to me and became friends. We hung out all the time, becoming really good friends until he eventually dumped me this past weekend because my behavior towards him was so bad he couldn't take it anymore. Yeah, that's the same guy friend I've been talking about all this time on this forum. *sigh* How messed up am I? (I'd always known in the back of my mind that I would never have been capable of fully trusting him after the years of s--- he put me through. To this day he'll still claim he didn't really do anything to me.)