I did it again. I lost my good guy friend again.

We spent the whole day together, went to a festival, and walked around. It kind of went bad from there because he said all I did was complain (I kind of did) about being tired and bored, but we went home and rested up and decided to go out again in the evening. We went bowling and then went out to have a few drinks and play darts. He didn't really want to go out but he knew I did and so he went with me anyway. We were having fun and then once we had had quite a few drinks I kind of gave him a hug and he didn't reciprocate (he never does, which is kind of a thing with him). We got into a discussion about why he never reciprocates hugs and it kind of got heated which is so stupid ; I didn't mean for it to ruin our night or anything. I just wanted a hug for heaven's sake. No one ever hugs me, ever. I just wanted a damn hug, and he wasn't giving me one and I was offended. And it got heated. So it ended with him walking out of the bar and me following. And once I caught up with him he said our friendship was over. That he's sick of me, etc, etc, and that I always ruin our times together. That he dreads hanging out with me anymore. He said that I would be better off with this being done and that I was strong, that I would get over this. And I know he means it because he doesn't just say things.

I begged him to just give it time, to give it space. I asked him to allow us to have a break. He said if he did it would he a huge break and that it was just...done. I'm devastated. I don't want to lose this friend but... I guess I already have. I'm so sad. I'm so so sad. I did it again. And I don't think that, this time, it's going to heal over time.

[UnderTheRose]

I'm so sorry hon. Truly, deeply aching for you right now. ((hugs))

Originally Posted by TreeintheWind

I'm so sorry hon. Truly, deeply aching for you right now. ((hugs))

Thank you. I just, I don't know. This is after our friendship took a month-long break back in March. I felt so happy that we were friends again, and now I feel like such a loser. And I can't afford to lose friends. It's not like I have that many in the first place.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a hug from your friend. He doesn't sound like a very good friend anyway. I'm sorry you're hurting though.

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I don't think it's unreasonable to want a hug from your friend. He doesn't sound like a very good friend anyway. I'm sorry you're hurting though.

He just has his own issues with closeness. I don't know, we had some issues and I guess it's probably better that we're not friends anymore because those issues caused problems more often than not and we had a bad time more often than not. I just don't have that many friends and it hurts to lose one.

[TheRealFDeal]

Oh, misskeena, I'm so sorry. You are not alone. I know what it's like to lose relationships. And to not get what you need from the ones you have. Really painful....

[NICK 0305]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I did it again. I lost my good guy friend again.

We spent the whole day together, went to a festival, and walked around. It kind of went bad from there because he said all I did was complain (I kind of did) about being tired and bored, but we went home and rested up and decided to go out again in the evening. We went bowling and then went out to have a few drinks and play darts. He didn't really want to go out but he knew I did and so he went with me anyway. We were having fun and then once we had had quite a few drinks I kind of gave him a hug and he didn't reciprocate (he never does, which is kind of a thing with him). We got into a discussion about why he never reciprocates hugs and it kind of got heated which is so stupid ; I didn't mean for it to ruin our night or anything. I just wanted a hug for heaven's sake. No one ever hugs me, ever. I just wanted a damn hug, and he wasn't giving me one and I was offended. And it got heated. So it ended with him walking out of the bar and me following. And once I caught up with him he said our friendship was over. That he's sick of me, etc, etc, and that I always ruin our times together. That he dreads hanging out with me anymore. He said that I would be better off with this being done and that I was strong, that I would get over this. And I know he means it because he doesn't just say things.

I begged him to just give it time, to give it space. I asked him to allow us to have a break. He said if he did it would he a huge break and that it was just...done. I'm devastated. I don't want to lose this friend but... I guess I already have. I'm so sad. I'm so so sad. I did it again. And I don't think that, this time, it's going to heal over time.

I know the feeling xx

I will be completely honest with you about this. First of all nothing is ever 100% your fault. I'm not excusing any bad behavior on your part, but never never ever is it on person's fault. To be honest, you just had a break and now he's back and then he's cutting you off. Umm, You may have issues but truth is, it seems to me, very likely so does he. As resistant to hugs may seem like a minor thing, he clearly has some kind of issue with closeness and knowing that you probably crave closeness, this is part of where the issue lies.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Nothing in what you've said sounds bad enough to break a friendship which says to me that a good part of this is on him and his being the type to run away if anything gets difficult. That's how I see it. A true friend is there for you, knows you, understands.. and accepts you as you are.

Hope this helps keena. *hugs*

[UnderTheRose]

I think it becomes habitual, once we are 'diagnosed' to fell like we are the ones that screw everything up. Issues with closeness IS in itself, a whole other situation, something you have no part in creating. It's his thing. And i agree with S4ndm4n that

good part of this is on him and his being the type to run away if anything gets difficult

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I will be completely honest with you about this. First of all nothing is ever 100% your fault. I'm not excusing any bad behavior on your part, but never never ever is it on person's fault. To be honest, you just had a break and now he's back and then he's cutting you off. Umm, You may have issues but truth is, it seems to me, very likely so does he. As resistant to hugs may seem like a minor thing, he clearly has some kind of issue with closeness and knowing that you probably crave closeness, this is part of where the issue lies.

Don't beat yourself up over this. Nothing in what you've said sounds bad enough to break a friendship which says to me that a good part of this is on him and his being the type to run away if anything gets difficult. That's how I see it. A true friend is there for you, knows you, understands.. and accepts you as you are.

Hope this helps keena. *hugs*

Well, what was his last straw was the a) complaining the entire time we were doing the thing he wanted to do and then b) when I was mad about the hugging thing, he was praising me for making a bulls-eye while playing darts and I said, "Shut up! Just shut the f--- up!!" When I said that, he got up, leaned into me and said, "You don't get to talk to me like that. I am done," and walked out of the bar. So yeah, I hear what you are saying and I agree with most of it (yes, he has plenty of issues that I've only begun to discover) but I did do something bad enough to break the friendship because he'd already told me he was nearing his limit, that he couldn't deal with hanging out with me only to have his night ruined by my antics. Since our "break" every time we've hung out it's ended on a sour note. Truth be told, this friendship needed to end because we were just bad for each other, I just wasn't going to be the one to end it. I'm really okay--not like I was during the break at all. I'm not crying, not in the throes of heartache or anything. I'm really just embarrassed over how I acted: acting like a baby all day, how I treated him, and how I reacted after he walked out on me, chasing him down the street and begging him to reconsider while crying and whimpering. I had no dignity. And that is the last image he has of me, that and the string of texts I sent him that night. I was drunk-ish and when I woke up the next morning and realized the full extent of what I did, I sent an email stating that he was right, that I would miss him but our friendship indeed needed to end, but still... I made a fool out of myself. And all over what? A hug? Criminy. I understand that some people bring the worst out in us and that's the case with him but sheesh...not my finest hour. Not at all. And don't worry... I won't text or email him again. It's over. I'm done with it too.

Well I'm glad you're somewhat ok. I understand embarrassment. Been there done all those things you mention. If I had a nickel...for everytime.. well you know.

Up to this point nothing in what you said really was that big of a deal but yeah all of this added to it sounds like one of my typical "freak out" days where something triggered me and it was a downward spiral the rest of the day. I feel for you.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Well I'm glad you're somewhat ok. I understand embarrassment. Been there done all those things you mention. If I had a nickel...for everytime.. well you know.

Up to this point nothing in what you said really was that big of a deal but yeah all of this added to it sounds like one of my typical "freak out" days where something triggered me and it was a downward spiral the rest of the day. I feel for you.

Eh, I'm starting to feel not okay. I think I'm just getting to that stage of grieving or something (everyone has to grieve over the loss of a friend, right? First stage is denial?) I just feel upset that I seem to hang on most tightly to the people that I need to stay the farthest away from. J and I were not the most healthy pair, not by a long shot. We had a history of distrust given that we started out disliking and making each other miserable before we ever had any kind of friendship. Given that history, there was no way that I was ever going to be able to fully trust him, and I was always going to put him through "tests" to see just how trustworthy he really was. And he's not the kind of person who deals with "tests" very well. And I was always trying to get him to fill a void in my life that he was never meant to fill.

Jeez, that whole day was one big downward spiral. I'm still embarrassed. I'd be less embarrassed if I didn't think he'd tell anyone about it. He hasn't told anyone about anything with me up to now (or else I'd have heard about it) though so...maybe he'll just leave it alone.

Anyway.

I hope he does leave it alone but even if not, dont' worry about it too much. Try to get past the embarrassment. We all do things, get embarrassed and the thing is in the grand scheme of things it won't matter Just try to think beyond that.

As for unhealthy friends, I'm notorious for picking the exact individuals I (subconsciously) know are not good for me. it's like I look for them and then complain when the friendships go south :/ You're not alone

[Flooded]

While I sort of "get" where you are coming from, I don't like hugs either and would be mortified if someone forced one on me and then I'd be furious because my personal space wasn't respected.

Originally Posted by Flooded

While I sort of "get" where you are coming from, I don't like hugs either and would be mortified if someone forced one on me and then I'd be furious because my personal space wasn't respected.

I think I was more mad that he accepts them from other people and hugs them back (his excuse is that they "make" him hug them) than that he doesn't like them. Like I said, it was a stupid argument, but the root of it was that I simply felt rejected.