Transparent or 'Quiet' Borderline sufferers

I believe this is me. Is it anyone else? From what I understand, it's different from traditional BPD in that sufferers don't usually act out in anger, they act in. I actually feel like I can't express anger outwardly. I do get irritated with people a lot, I just don't tell them. Only very rarely do I even get angry enough, to yell at someone. My anger is always aimed at myself, through negative self talk and self-injurous behavior and whatnot.

Kind of sort of. Until I've been pushed far enough. Than I lash out. But generally, I don't even let the people know I'm angry.

Yup that's me. And usually only the person I'm closest to can push me far enough to lash out.

I'm still waiting for my evaluation and for a professional to hopefully acknowledge my personality problems, but I'm pretty sure I'm a quiet borderline male and this is why I've had such difficulty getting effective treatment.

I definitely internalize most of my frustrations and only rarely express them. I'm easily set off and very insecure, but most people would never know it.

Me too

This describes me perfectly. I was really surprised by my diagnosis when I started reading up on BPD. I very rarely express anger towards other people - product of the way I grew up. I just keep it all inside and turn it against myself, since deep down inside I believe that's what I deserve.

I just want to say I love this site. I don't feel as alone now, and don't feel so much like I'm just beinf a hypochondriac

Yup, this is me. I have no idea how to express my anger except inwardly. It was never acceptable for me to show or express anger outwardly. xT used to tell me to beat on a pillow or go in the garage and throw a shoe at the wall. Could not even manage that.

I won't know if I get reevaluated.

I never get angry outbursts anymore, but i do get angry and I take it out on myself. Yesterday I got really mad at my mom and when I hung up I punched myself in the leg and knocked over an empty drink can, and that was it. That's pretty much all I do these days, but I used to have severe anger when I was a teenager. Now I just don't know what to do with my anger. I don't want to lash out, so I keep it all inside. It makes me feel very agitated.

That's one of the reasons I thought I couldn't be borderline, because many examples were of outward borderlines. I am definitely a 'quiet' borderline, I don't dare show emotions IRL and do everything I can to hide anything I feel or think. But a person I know well or am close to I can show all to - which is not necessarily a good thing. There's either a thick filter towards strangers or none at all towards close people.
I'd love to know people who can relate. It's like a mental hell sometimes.

I think this is why my doc doesn't think I'm borderline. I'm like some of you, I do show anger and emotion if I am close to someone (husband, parents), but I am too much of a people pleaser and tend to hide my true emotions and feelings if I don't feel comfortable enough to express them.

I would say this describes me, from as young as 9 I remember always taking my anger out on myself. Even now, unless it's my mother or my boyfriend, I rarely act out on my anger and especially not out in public. Or at least, not to the extent you hear about, I get more so passive-agressive in public.

When I'm alone and my anger spikes, I can't deal with it, I've never had to deal with expressing it so I end up punching my legs or the chairs. I think people should post more information on this type of borderline as I think a lot of us could relate to it.

For instance, there are so many spiteful comments and reactions I want to give to people and to proffesionals but I completely withdraw and dissociate and end up just repeating them to myself in my head. Becoming irrational and plotting really bad things, it doesn't mean I don't feel or get affected just as much as an "expressive" borderline, it just means there is a fog preventing me from doing that.

It probably generally stems from being taught when growing up that we must hide how we feel, or also possibly the fact that acting out and expressing our emotions would get us in more trouble than if we just took it out on ourselfs. Which also probably feed into the self-hating behaviours seen across the spectrum of borderline.

Hope this helped x3

Altinak, I definitely think you're right about what you're saying. I think a lot of us may have grown up learning that showing emotions is shameful and you should hide them away. That might have resulted in us not being able to handle the emotions that we feel, hence also all the self injurious behavior.
I can also imagine quiet/transparent borderlines might have a mix of BD and avoidant PD, since the whole 'holding back on your emotions' thing seem a lot like an inferiority complex.

Yeah definitely, I completely fit into Avoidant PD as well so I would say that makes a lot of sense. It's probably what plays into the dissociation aspect of borderline as well, because as you said, the emotions are hard to handle. They can be very intense and since we don't really know how to express them in a healthy manner we either cut off from them (dissociation) or SH as that release.

I always have such a hard time putting my thoughts into words, but you could have pulled this out of my head. I was definitely taught as a child that too much emotion is shameful and felt that I had to hide it in public and even from my parents if i could help it. And I am Bipolar and also fit into Avoidant PD oh so very much as well. Just goes to show there is a lot of overlap and we don't all fit into a box. There is still a lot to be learned.

I'd agree with this too, when ever I get really pissed off with a friend I get so angry but I just have to turn it all on myself which usually results in self harming because I just dont even know how to explain why I'm angry with them becuse there's no reason other than the way I feel to what they've done, which often isn't a 'appropriate' reaction.

I think my sane side kind of says 'please, please, please shut up. Dont have a go at them because you will lose them because of your own stupid head. Its all YOU. Theyre rejecting you because you deserve to be rejected' maybe not so much a sane part after all..

Definitely. I think we have a war within ourselves between our rationality and our childish need to let go and just be accepted for all that we feel and are. If you think about children you don't see mothers rejecting them when they act out. If we were never allowed to show emotions and feel accepted and acknowledged, that can very well result in identity issues. "Okay, I'm feeling this and this way. I'm trying to shun that part of me because I'm not allowed and no one will accept me for those feelings. But they are so built up I feel that I am about to burst, and all I want is for someone to understand and accept me for all of me." We try and fight something oppressed that cannot be fought because feelings are a natural part of us and instead they become out of control. I don't know if that makes any sense. For 'quiet' BDs I can imagine we suppress even more in public until we get home to people we feel we can be more open with and unfortunately may project frustrations onto them. In a way it seems that we keep trying to fix a hole in our past that can't be fixed because we can't go back to when we were kids and make our parents accept who we were, but we try and compensate through friendships and relationships anyway, subconsciously.

All of my anger used to be outward and I lost more people from my life than I care to count. It embarrasses me to think of all of the people that I pushed away. Now though, I think I've turned inward and I think that contributes a lot to my anxiety. There really isn't anyone left for me to interact with and so my anger doesn't have anywhere to go. It seems to have turned into disappointment in myself, as well as worry and fear that I won't be able to take care of myself and will end up on the streets.

I think part of it is learning when it's appropriate to express anger and how. I'm not really "quiet", but it's totally up to the situation and a bit of a crapshoot if I flip out and act inappropriately (I have so many holes in my walls and broken things, a bad history of hitting myself hard enough to leave eggs and bruises, and I've definitely behaved badly towards mental health professionals when they've triggered me) or whether I dissociate. So depending on the professional and what they've seen, they think I'm either a total asshole or that I don't have anger problems at all.

I have both symptoms of the "Quiet"/"Acting In" Borderline, and the "Acting Out" Borderline.

Sometimes I will "Act Out" - ie; screaming, cursing, violent towards objects[never people, ever], punching walls, punching things, punching myself, etc.

And sometimes I will "Act In" - ie; internally very distressed, angry, unable to express it, due to fears of rejection/upsetting others/etc, so I internalize it, which ultimently leads to intense emotions and urges to harm myself, or, it builds up and I end up doing the above. Like a volcano.

Whichever "type" of Borderline you are, try and remember that you aren't your illness.

Your illness affects you, but it ISN'T you.

Try to distance yourself from your "label"/illness, remember you aren't it, it isn't you, it is a part of you, but it isn't who you are.

So whether the Acting In Borderline, or Acting Out Borderline, that's your illness, not YOU.

thank you. I needed to hear this.

You're very welcome x

I am the same way.

Most of the time when I "act out" it is result of me internalizing my anger and it builds up over time.

Hi. I'm new here and older (59) and want everyone to know that borderline can really be tamed. I'm not that 20 year old who used to lash out in anger and tears and scare everyone off (yep, I was an obvious one). But I had so much therapy and I did understand myself and wanted to get better so I really, really did. In extremely high stress situations, I still need help calming down, but I have a therapist who will do that with me. Basically, I have a peaceful, happy life now.

But I was a mess.