[AnnaBegins]

I wish I could understand why I am always drawn to bad relationships and care the most about those when there are so many good relationships worth caring about out there...

I have a friend who is a therapist by trade. I had asked him for help in finding a therapist for me - didn't think it was appropriate to ask him to be my therapist since we had a prior friendship but I thought he might know somebody and save me the frustration of searching for a prince in a sea of frogs. He asked a lot of questions about why I needed therapy and I let my guard down and shared with him the details of my illness.

Big mistake!

This individual is...well...you could call it scatterbrained or you could call it inconsiderate by nature. He's one of those people who tell you that he'll call later that day and then drops off the grid for a week. He likes to tell me he's swinging by "sometime this week" so our dogs can play together and then the week comes and goes without my ever hearing from him. I told him once that I felt bad when he did stuff like that and he commented that when he did, I always wanted to know what I did wrong or how I upset him - how I automatically blamed myself for his lack of response. I thought he understood - got me. But the behavior didn't change on either of our sides.

Last weekend we were supposed to go on a double date and I was once again frustrated by his lack of response to my trying to nail down a day and a time, to the point that by the time we actually did nail things down, I didn't want to go anymore. When we did go out, I had my walls up because I was feeling like damaged goods and didn't want to draw any attention to myself - figured my husband and his partner could carry on a conversation with him and I could just listen. But despite my attempts to change the subject whenever he tried to ask me about me, eventually I talked about a small issue I was having at work. He proceeded to scold me in front of everybody in the restaurant, saying that he would never let himself get into the situation I was in. He didn't even stop when we left - scolded me all the way to the parking lot.

I was visibly upset for the rest of the evening - and I was not making smart choices when I finally got home.

I've been thinking that I need to cut this person out of my life. I'm no longer sure if my getting upset with him is because of this illness or because he's not being a very good friend. I don't know if it's an appropriate emotion for me to have but I know his tendency to leave me hanging for days at a time is a serious trigger for my abandonment issues. And I'm sorry I ever let my guard down around him because now I keep blaming my stupidity in doing that for what I perceive as his not wanting to be around me.

But I still find myself wanting him to call or text and offer to swing by. I want one more chance to prove to him that I'm not a bad friend, that I can go back in time before I ever told him about my illness and just be "normal" and "on" in front of him from now on. I saw him out walking his dogs this morning when I was on my way to work and it threw me off my game all morning.

Why am I putting so much energy into a relationship that is clearly bad for me when I should be concentrating on fixing my marriage or negotiating politics at work or anything less "toxic" to me than this?

Sorry for the long ramble...

[SweetPeaSEB]

I know that with bpd it can be hard to distinguish which relationships in our lives are truely negative and which ones that we are just being overly sensitive too. However I feel that Ive read you saying a few things here that concern me that might be toxic for you. To me it doesnt sound like your friend is not only not being considerate of your vulnerability but just down right not being a good friend at all. I dont however have the answer as to why your pursing something thats unhealthy. I just wanted to comment that from what ive read, you seem to have some very valid concerns. While i feel some relationships are worth fighting for and putting in that extra effort, it doesnt seem thats something this person is willing to offer you, and from what ive read and understood, this person has done the exact opposite. Im not even saying they are intentionally hurting you. Maybe their own personal emotional hang up, or maybe a fear, since they are a therapist and aware of how bpd works, a fear that if they do let you get too close that it might trigger cligginess or jumping into things way too fast as we often do. but even if thats the case, this person hasnt even offerred enough respect to you to open up to you that thats how they feel. they arent will to be as vulnerable, open and honest as you was to them. if they need to cancel plans or reschedule, anyone with respect will make an effort to call and update you. I didnt read anything about that, and if its triggering you and making you feel worse about who you are and if you have really beeen open about how you feel then i would like to believe that youve done your part. sometimes its best to cut people out of our lives, our health has to come first and we need encouragers but only you know the reality of what lays before you. i think im ramblish tonight. hope thats all understanable.

[ReddSN]

From the picture you paint, I would definitely say he is not worth your time. I also have to wonder if, given your BPD, he is as scolding as you say - or if that is your personal interpretation, know what I mean? Now that is easy for me to say, because I'm not in the situation. If I were, I'd be holding on too- and I am in a similar situation. Just like you, I find myself thinking "If only I could show how great a friend I could be" or "I'd just wear my mask and he'd still like me" - I honestly think if he liked me, it would be easier to let go, because I'd have that approval, instead of still searching for it.

Good luck to you, it's such a tough situation.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by ReddSN

I also have to wonder if, given your BPD, he is as scolding as you say - or if that is your personal interpretation, know what I mean?

That's a fair question. I was emotional going into the evening so it's highly possible that what he meant to be helpful advice/criticism was interpreted as scolding by me.

I was thinking (obsessing) about it this morning and was contemplating having a conversation with him that sticks to facts and leaves emotions out of it:

When I contact you and try to pin down a specific date/time/place for us or our dogs to get together and spend time with each other, I get upset when I don't hear from you for more than a day. When that happens, I think that you are upset or angry with me, mainly because I shared details of my illness with you. I am concerned that when I did that, I crossed a boundary in our friendship and you may be uncomfortable in my presence or that you think I am taking advantage of your being a therapist to get free help with my illness.

Of course, having this conversation is not "cutting him out of my life", which part of me believes is the healthiest thing to do. But, maybe - just maybe - being able to have an honest, factual conversation without blaming or putting emotion into it is healthy too?

Or am I just deluding myself and believing what I want to believe because once I let my walls down for someone, it's really hard for me to put them back up? Or, for that matter, because once I look to someone as a source of support, it hurts too much to think otherwise and let them go?

[ReddSN]

I think that conversation is a good idea. At the very least, it will put wondering to rest and you can work on moving on in whatever way is warranted. Still being friends, or cutting him out and knowing firmly that it is the right thing to do.

I also identify so much with your last statement. I've recently had a friend cut me out and I just can't let them go, no matter how much I know that if they weren't willing to stick by me, that they aren't worth my time.