[Ithilanar]

I just recently read a post on the Facebook Borderline group about how BPDs tend to find partners with NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Now before I move on, I just want to make it clear I do not intend to put NPDs down and victimize BPDs, and I know that many BPDs may also have overlapping NPD symptoms. I recognize NPDs the same way I do BPDs, people who are in need of understanding and support.
Instead I am interested in understanding how common it is for a BPD to end up in a relationship with a person who is emotionally unavailable (NPD or not), so that the BPD basically ends up in a self-fulfilling prophecy loop where the BPD inevitably experiences abandonment or rejection.

To those that may not understand what I mean, I will try and explain it as well as I can. Do note that it may trigger and that I may be wrong in my explanation.

Such a relationship is suffering from intense highs and lows. The NPD becomes the idealized partner who heroically saves the BPD, who continuously tests the NPD's commitment. The BPD becomes the source of validation for the NPD and supplies them with the feeling of superiority that they need. They both need each other for validation and acknowledgment because of their low self esteem and unstable self. The NPD's lack of empathy and inability to accept criticism or challenge collide with the BPD's suspicions, accusations and devaluation. Denial is said to be the NPD's only coping mechanism, creating a thick protective barrier that keeps them from gaining insight into their own disorder. The BPD however uses denial as one of many coping mechanisms and wears their 'heart on their sleeve'. As soon as the BPD is no longer a valuable supply of validation to the NPD, the BPD may experience an emotional explosion triggered by the fear of abandonment/rejection. This makes it a very unstable relationship, constantly swinging between intense intimacy and idealization and withdrawal and devaluation.

I hope that makes any sense.
I am interested in this because as soon as I read about it, I found it gave me great insight and understanding of my own previous relationship that was characterized by extreme highs and lows. I experienced I could receive intense validation one moment and the next be put down entirely because my insecurity and suspicions would make him angry. My partner would constantly devalue others and believe himself better than them even when he was not and if anything went wrong, it was their fault, not his. If I did anything better than him, he would come up with complex explanations to why it wasn't to my credit after all. I could cry for hours when I was at my lowest and not receive any reaction, which resulted in reckless behavior from my side, such as hurting myself. If I did nothing, he would never return to fix things or make them better, which became a vicious cycle. Because of the highs and the lows, I could continuously tell myself that things would get better and come up with a thousand excuses to why we acted the way we did and what we had to do to fix it. I only broke free of that denial when he finally stopped caring entirely and there was nothing but rejection/abandonment left.

Now that I have gained insight into Borderline Personality Disorder, I better understand myself and why I did what I did which has helped me improve immensely. But I have had a hard time understanding why my partner did what he did and understanding I wasn't the only source of negativity.
It says that for BPDs intense relationships is a common trait, but this helps me understand the mechanisms better, if it really is true. We interlock with other personality disorders and try and give each other what we all feel we need but are in the end incapable of doing so. What we all crave is stability, predictability and a healthy and stable sense of self.

I hope some of you want to share your experience and/or thoughts with me.

[jadedbutterfly]

I am bpd, married and npd. tumultuous relationship, just plain awful. we did "feed" on each other's umm short-commings... and I did everything I could to keep him "saving" me from myself. and he loved it.... until he didn't. I got to an extreme where I scared him to the point of him being afraid for my kids (I never harmed them)... and put me in the hospital... went in and out for 5 months (I think), then he wouldn't let me come home to my kids... I had to go to a shelter. He had enough. This was many years ago. And in the past year I have gotten to a point where I am not trying to get his "attention" and able to just talk about our daughter when need be.
does that fit with what you were saying?

[UnderTheRose]

I can see that.
I've always had a thing for dom/sub relationships--- and i see similarities with that and what you describe above.

I wasn't in a romantic relationship with someone with NPD, and I'm not even 100% sure that this person has NPD (but it's pretty much a case of if the shoe fits...) But I was very good friends with a guy who displays very strong narcissistic qualities. Our friendship was almost inexplicable. We started out hating each other, making each other miserable in our professional life for about 5 years. Then, somehow, we let go of the animosity and we found that we just clicked. We started hanging out together after work once in a while for a beer or two, then started hanging out more, even though we knew that we weren't really the best match for one another (and no, there was no romantic aspect there; he's gay). Even now, I have no idea how we became as close as we did. I divulged things to him that I haven't to a lot of other people and he was pretty open with me as well. Unfortunately, he doesn't really have a capacity for emotional intimacy. He cannot tolerate other's emotions (if I started crying about something, for example, he was out of there). I can't tolerate someone who is so emotionally unavailable and invalidating. While, as the OP stated, I'm sure he got validation from me telling him how important he was to me, and I got validation simply from him sticking around in a friendship with me, our relationship was definitely finite; there was no way that either of us would ever be able to sustain things for the long haul. He was the one who eventually got sick of me, and it ended earlier this month in kind of an ugly scene outside of a bar. I sort of miss him, but I don't really miss the feeling that everything between us was always my fault. It's better off this way--that we're not friends anymore.

[shezbut]

I haven't had a romantic relationship with an NPD, but I (sort of) have family relationships with NPD's. It hasn't gone well. I was always blamed for everything ~ too emotional, too sensitive, poor memory, I didn't fully understand, etc. Meanwhile, they were holier than thou. Very stressful!! I had to step back from these relationships, because it was infuriating for me every time I saw or spoke with them. Just not worth the pain....

[shortandcute]

There are some NPD's in my family, too. And one of them also has DID (that's my oldest sister, who was my legal guardian for a couple of years). I was also blamed for a lot of stuff that wasn't my fault. Like one time, when I was at school (living with my sis at the time) sis was washing the dishes and she stacked the plates way too high in the cupboard, and they were tipping over. Well, as soon as I got home, she blasted me for it. I told her there was no way because I was at school all day, and she told me, "Well, you're the only one who would do that!"

http://forums.psychcentral.com/borde...rcissists.html

[shortandcute]

What's really wierd is that my mom has NPD, and I have BPD. I've been told that of all her kids, I'm the one who's most like her.

I'm NPD and understand completely about complementing one another. As I have told my therapists we who become entangled with one another are two with issues not only one. As the "perfect" people are not what we need not want at these levels. The game is so much stronger for when we both have pd's, the goals are greater and the journey is so much more Intense. Unfortunately for you I will always come out ok even she
I'm not I still am, if you can understand what I mean!! Looking back before being aware it was so interesting to me to do things that now I see more why I did rather than then of just doing as it was just like breathing, what I needed to survive in a way . Well rather than go into me like I do so well lol. Go ahead and ask me some things as now I am open to putting my point of view for your better understanding.

[Ithilanar]

They do indeed seem like poles of one another who easily attract each other. Unfortunately, there seems to not be much of a grey scale for any of them. It's either apathy or complete emotional chaos. I do want to say though that anyone despairing reading about this tendency should remember that understanding the problem about starting doomed relationships can also help end the cycle. For example, I have just begun dating a 'normal' and I'd like to say 'greyscaled' guy and it has been a roller coaster trying to understand and find safety within something stable and predictable. But I do believe it's possible. And understanding our own triggers and being able to separate ourselves from our disorder again helps us distance ourselves to the problem and breaking the cycle.

Jadedbutterfly, I can't quite say if he sounds like an NPD or not, but the part about saving you as long as he's in the mood for it sounds very spot on.

Lux et pas, thank you for the link, there seems to be an article as well regarding BPD/NPD relationships.

Thank you for your posts, everyone x)