not self harming. but dark thoughts

I am having a struggle against myself. I have had several small and medium sized crisis in the last month or so and one rather large one. Not huge, but large. The large one has made me really take a step back and re-examine my life and my existence, my motivations and if I am really trying my best or am I just doing the least I can get by with?

During this examination, I am having really disturbing thoughts about my life and my future. These thoughts are frightening to me and I find it difficult to go on from minute to minute. Today I am better than I was the other day. Today I am going on hour by hour, instead of minute by minute. Even so, I felt the need to reach out, thus this post.

In the past 2 weeks I have come closer to extreme self-harm than I have in the previous 3 years or so. I have not done it though! I hate who I am and I hate it that I seem to hurt others, even when I have little or no contact with them. My very existence is a problem for some people, it seems. And I love these particular people very much and I wish no harm but only good for them.

It seems I am no good and I am very difficult to deal with, although I do not see it that way, well, at lease not in relationship to these particular people anyway.. I am getting painful feedback from others that is the case. My life goal has been to help others in every way I can and to leave this earth a better place because I was here. That may seem simplistic, but it is how I have tried to live my life. Seriously. I have failed, but I thought I had some successes. I have overrated them, it seems. My life goal may be contrary to my being self-absorbed, but I cannot help that. It is what it is. At any rate, I am now being told, from more than one trusted person that I am and have been a burden to them and others for quite some time.

Thus, the questioning of myself and the validity and worth of my future existence has begun again. I do have one thing to live for: I am raising my grandson. Without me, I can honestly say, his life would be much more painful. I am doing SOME good here.

I thought that I had come much farther than I have in my healing. I have made no significant progress, it seems. I do not actually see that myself, but I am being told that by some people who seemingly have no ulterior motive and who have, in the past, shown me that they do love me and have my best interests at heart. That being the case, I do respect their opinions and I do not find them suspect. That is not to say that I do not find them quite painful.

I am not who I think I am. I think I am a pathetic loser who wins some every now and then. Apparently, I am much worse than that. Apparently I am a pathetic loser who is a drain on those around her and deceives herself that she is winning in any area, with the exception of my grandson. I am doing a fairly good job there, even if only by comparison. In other words, compared to the available alternatives for him, I am the best option for him. That is not to say that when compared to what other children born into "normal families" have available in this society, I am good or even average. Just the best option he has available for right now.

However, when it comes to any other relationship, I am a burden to others and to society as a whole. Everyone would be better off without me and some are choosing to do that: reject me because I am too much of a burden. I see where I can be draining in large doses. I see where I want to get away from me, so why should I blame them for wanting the same thing I want? It is burdensome to be me. I love them and I want the best for them, so it is a good thing they have taken this step of rejecting me and putting even more distance between me and them. They want a healthy life. I am not part of that. Maybe once they are in a stronger more healthy place, they can make a little room for me. Maybe not.

Either way, this feels as if I am being abandoned and rejected. Maybe because I am being abandoned and rejected. SIGH. But I understand why and I encourage the ones leaving me to do so for their sake. I know I am a bottomless pit of grief and fear. I do not want them around that. I love them.

Besides, they are not my source of strength and love. God is. With Him I can do all things. Well, except stop being me: a pathetic loser. I am so ready to go home to be with he One who really loves me and who is strong enough and healthy enough to love me and never abandon me. But it is up to Him o decide when, not me.

I wish He would just perform a miracle and make me better. I hate me and I hate BPD!

(Insert group hug here please)

I've been reading your posts but didn't have anything useful to say

You grandson is one very lucky boy to have you caring for him

I don't know but maybe your grandson is the only one who is not judging you, including yourself?

Great insight Achy. Thank you.

Thank you too Flooded for responding. Knowing you care means a TON to me right now. Thank you.

I wish I had more advice, but I just have to second the thought that your grandson is lucky to have you caring for him. You obviously care a lot for him.