I've been looking through this forum for a few days on and off, but I've been scared to post.

I've always stuck in depression forums until now, because I know where I am with that. I'm slowly coming to accept that this is my diagnosis though. So I guess that makes it ok for me to post here...

I'm just scared, maybe this isn't me, I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I guess I still don't accept this.

Right now I'm struggling. I've struggled with depression for 7/8 years since I was 15. But last year after a suicide attempt they decided I had BPD too. I've improved a lot, but I feel like I'm about to fall right back to the bottom.

I'm really trying to hide it and keep it together but I'm falling apart. And it's like I'm deliberately making it worse. Like I'm drinking too much, and I've taken to cutting again, and a lot of the time I'm thinking about much worse.

But I've stopped caring. I want to run my life into the ground. I want it over.

I'm regretting this post so much already. I feel like I tore myself open and spilled it out for all to see. But I have always kept myself so private. I want to wipe myself from the face of the earth, erase my friend's memories of me. I wish I had never existed.

[Flooded]

It's hard to "come out" publically. Made it all a bit to real for me.

I hope you continue to post

I feel like I'm headed to a dark deep place and my head has switched to self destruct mode automatically. Not sure what to do about it, or even if I want to do anything about it.

[Ithilanar]

Hey TheGrace. I think it is a really good thing you have taken the step to write here. If you really do have BPD being open and honest about it, even to us internet strangers, is a big step to recovery. What you feel right now really does sound like a common BPD reaction and you shouldn't feel bad about it. It will come and go. Now that you know what is the source of your despair, you can find ways to break the pattern and understand why you feel the way you feel. You can learn to see your disorder as a separate thing and understand there is you as well and that you are not all sadness. I hope you will feel welcome here.

I know that it comes and goes. But I have no idea how to break the pattern. I always wonder what the point actually is. Even the times when I feel good I still think of suicide just because it's ony ever a matter of time until I feel like this again. This is my worst low in a while.

I have thought for years now that were two different 'me' inside my head. Bad Grace and good Grace. I guess bad Grace is my bpd. It's very good at taking over good Grace, winning arguments and slowly but surely destroying me and my will. It makes me believe that there is no hope, I will always feel like this, I am a burden, I would be better of dead etc etc

When it gets this bad it takes a long time for good Grace to start winning again.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by TheGrace

I have thought for years now that were two different 'me' inside my head. Bad Grace and good Grace. I guess bad Grace is my bpd. It's very good at taking over good Grace, winning arguments and slowly but surely destroying me and my will. It makes me believe that there is no hope, I will always feel like this, I am a burden, I would be better of dead etc etc

It seems more likely that they're both you, and that your job is going to be to make friends with both of them and bring them together.

[BorderlineMess]

I know it's hard to post about things we keep private. Keep posting. It gets easier.

Accepting the diagnosis of BPD is difficult. It took me over a year to even look at the disorder and years more to come to terms with it. Go slow and be gentle with yourself. Do you have a therapist? And/or a psychiatrist? How supportive are your friends/family? Do they know?

If you want to PM me, you're welcome to. You're going through a very difficult stage right now and I hope posting here helps.

I do have a therapist, I see him every two weeks. No psychiatrist. I saw one a few times last year which was when I was diagnosed. I really didn't like her, she was patronising and just plain rude. She also discharged me (I have no complaints here) because apparently BPD can't be treated with medication or something. And yet I have been taking medication ever since.

My family and friends are supporting, a little overbearing though.

[BorderlineMess]

Well, it's true that BPD can't be treated with medication directly. But some of the symptoms can be managed with medications for some people. It's entirely up to you whether you want to take meds. I would weigh the pros and cons and talk to an understanding pdoc before changing anything.

The good thing about posting here is that no one knows you. So feel free to post here as much as you like, you're more than welcome to. But I get it. These feelings are hard to put into words and they're uncomfortable to talk about. I've started drinking a lot this year, and I started cutting this year as well. And while drinking helps I've found that the next day I just feel more depressed than ever. I hope to see you around here more.

I know that drinking isn't good, it doesn't even help me at the time. I think I just do it to make myself feel worse sometimes.

I'm really not doing well. I feel like each day I'm just getting worse atm. I can't snap out of it, even got a couple of kittens yesterday and I couldn't even appreciate them!

[Demeanor]

"I want to run my life into the ground. I want it over...I wish I had never existed."

[Demeanor]

please please please.. if u are unable to take care of ur kittens, please rather place them in a caring home where they can be looked after.. they need alot of love and attention.. and i feel that it may not be the best idea to have them... in order to give love and care to something /some1 else you need to have love for yourself.. and u dont sound as though u have much love for yourself right now.. pls dont leave them neglected..
take care of urself first.. once you feel like able to take care of something.. start off slow.. get a plant.. then once youve improved .. from there you can consider having a pet..

Oh I will care for the kittens. I love animals and I couldn't get rid of them and they definitely won't be neglected. My boyfriend would make sure of it too, they're his babies we also already have a dog and a cat.

I feel like screaming and crying. I know that I will do neither. There is so much building up inside of me, and I'm scared of the release. I know what normally happens and I'm not allowed to say...

My self harm is getting worse.

Even my therapist said he was concerned for me - something he has never said in the year I've been seeing him.

Why aren't we allowed to do what we're not allowed to say?

Originally Posted by TheGrace

I think I just do it to make myself feel worse sometimes.

I've done that too.