[hezaa82]

I just got off the phone after being lectured by my friend for a half and hour. I've been being really bad for the past couple of weeks. My birthday was really triggering. I got really depressed and I kept texting J when I was depressed about how no one cares about me. I called him tonight because I wanted to talk to him about my feelings. I chickened out at first and just made small talk til he said he had to go. But I actually called him back and brought up what I wanted to talk about (maybe I'm learning to ask for what I want?)

However, that opened Pandora's box, and all the grievances he had against me came out. But that's kind of what I wanted. I wanted real communication. It was sobering though. He won't even listen to me when I start to say that I feel like someone doesn't care about me or someone feels fake or some other BPD thought. He went off on me for making empty suicide threats, and for never following his advice to not tell anyone I meet about my problems. I think he was pretty disappointed about that one. It was sobering. But at the same time it felt good. Growing up my parents never disciplined me and never had any guidance to give me. Maybe I act out because I want discipline. Either way, it's a sign that he cares about me that he took the time to lecture me. And he understands BPD really well so even though he's lecturing me I know he understands my point of view and I appreciate that. He even said "I don't want to use the word manipulate because I know you're not doing it on purpose." So many people have called me manipulative in the past and it hurts because he's right, it's not intentional. Anyway, he was quite upset at me.

I just don't know how to not be BPD. When I'm upset the feelings are really strong. I feel lonely and disconnected if I can't talk to someone about those feelings. So I act out, I text emotional things, I talk about my problems to anyone who seems willing to listen. Is it a lack of wanting to get better on my part? J asked me why I want to talk about my problems, is it my identity? I just don't know how to not be upset when I feel rejected or isolated.

I feel bad now because it sounds like the closeness in our relationship wasn't two-sided like I thought. It was just him catering to me...

[ReddSN]

I think it is good that you realize that your friend was just trying to help you, and I think he did show some compassion by realizing it is not all your fault.

Originally Posted by hezaa82

I just don't know how to not be BPD. When I'm upset the feelings are really strong. I feel lonely and disconnected if I can't talk to someone about those feelings. So I act out, I text emotional things, I talk about my problems to anyone who seems willing to listen. Is it a lack of wanting to get better on my part? J asked me why I want to talk about my problems, is it my identity? I just don't know how to not be upset when I feel rejected or isolated.

This is me exactly. I have been told multiple times that that I talk because I refuse to be responsible for my own actions, and that I am waiting for someone to fix them for me, instead of doing it myself.

[greentires4me]

I feel all emotions really strong from anger to sadness to disappointment to even scared...if I stop all those from happening major anxiety attacks present themselves and i get all lost in the moment of reality by time I come back up for air person i wanted to talk to is gone...

[MDDBPDPTSD]

healingfrombpd.org might be a resource for you. It is a blog of one woman's journey.

[Ithilanar]

I think it is a good thing that he sets boundaries, but he should also be a supportive friend and listen to you. I know that with myself I always try to gain control over the situation like say how I really need to talk or else it is eating me up, how I need him to care or listen or something else. I know I shouldn't really be allowed to do these things, but I know that from my parents I could never tell them anything. So from that perspective I am dying to have people understand all of me and to listen and care. I suppose that is what you feel as well. It is like you are being overwhelmed with insecurity and you want someone to tell you that it aint so and so. But that never really satisfies you, does it? Being cut off entirely and feeling like a burden if you open your mouth doesn't help either, so it's a really difficult situation. If the 'disciplining' you helps you, go for it, but be careful. I know how we tend to idealize people we feel are giving us something that helps us, like emotional regulation, and he also seems the type to randomly shut you out. Keep a healthy distance and watch out for yourself.

[cboxpalace]

None of what I write will be easy for you to read, and unfortunately there is no simple/easy solution.

I don't believe you want him to fix you, but I do believe the attention you receive from him whether it's lecturing or compassion is viewed as love that you didn't receive at some point in your life. I think you should find more constructive outlets to vent your feelings ie. therapist / psychiatrist or even distracting yourself by posting in the forums.

Unfortunately, there is no simple solution with bpd. I've lost many friends because of it, and I relate to a lot of what you write.

I called him tonight because I wanted to talk to him about my feelings. I chickened out at first and just made small talk til he said he had to go. But I actually called him back and brought up what I wanted to talk about (maybe I'm learning to ask for what I want?)

Maybe / Maybe Not. It all depends on what the motivation was behind wanting to talk about your feelings. If It's attention driven then it's just bpd and has nothing to do with learning to ask for what you want.

As far as this relationship goes.. you've basically put him in a power position over you. He's basically become your counselor.

Are you in therapy? Do you have a psychiatrist? If not, you need to find one and stop drowning your sorrows with him. You're looking for him to fill a void which he can't do.

He went off on me for making empty suicide threats, and for never following his advice to not tell anyone I meet about my problems. I think he was pretty disappointed about that one. It was sobering. But at the same time it felt good. Growing up my parents never disciplined me and never had any guidance to give me. Maybe I act out because I want discipline. Either way, it's a sign that he cares about me that he took the time to lecture me. And he understands BPD really well so even though he's lecturing me I know he understands my point of view and I appreciate that. He even said "I don't want to use the word manipulate because I know you're not doing it on purpose." So many people have called me manipulative in the past and it hurts because he's right, it's not intentional. Anyway, he was quite upset at me.

A few things:
1. your behavior is clearly bpd
2. you should never threaten suicide with him. It's a manipulative tactic and puts him in an awkward position.
3. I suspect there is a big part of you that likes the lecturing because it symbolizes that he cares.

When I'm upset the feelings are really strong. I feel lonely and disconnected if I can't talk to someone about those feelings. So I act out, I text emotional things, I talk about my problems to anyone who seems willing to listen. Is it a lack of wanting to get better on my part? I just don't know how to not be upset when I feel rejected or isolated.

It's not a lack of not wanting to get better, it's the lack of not being able to control the attention/love you want. The problem with what you're doing is it shifts the power balance of the relationship. The relationship is no longer based on equality but you become the dysfunctional victim in need of him to fix you. It will never work, because only you can fix you. All he can do is listen until he becomes tired of you and moves on or continues to stick around playing the role of counselor.

You would be better off to try and fight the urge and find ways to distract yourself such as posting and replying to threads in the forum. Not only vent and focus on yourself, but focus on other people's problems to take your mind off of yours.

I feel bad now because it sounds like the closeness in our relationship wasn't two-sided like I thought. It was just him catering to me...

I've read a few of your previous posts and it sounds like you've idealized him, the relationship and everything in between which is something we all do. I think the only cure for this is to be mindful that you're doing it and try to avoid it. I guess that means keeping a healthy distance / boundary. I realize this is easier said then done.

J asked me why I want to talk about my problems, is it my identity?

In someways it is! Because it's the tactic that we use to get the love that we didn't get at some point in adolescence. You may not be your disorder, but your disorder is you, at least a part of you and your identity, and will be until you're able to control it rather than vice versa.

It seems that we go from 5 years old to 20 and miss everything in between which is unfortunate because that is where a person gets the love and nurturing they need which helps establish self confidence and identity. We lack this and rely on the dysfunctional traits of bpd to give us what we didn't get. It never works.

[hezaa82]

Cboxpalace, thanks for the reply.

Yes I have been in therapy for many years. Unfortunately the first therapist I had was not a good match for me, but last fall I went and found a new therapist that is a much better fit. My therapist has been away on holiday for the last 3 weeks which is probably also part of why I was acting out so much and wanting to talk to someone so much. Talking to my therapist does help, but it's still not the same as having a friend. I guess I have a desire for someone who will voluntarily worry about me, probably because my parents were often too self-absorbed to worry about me or notice my problems. I don't think I'm looking for J to be my therapist. I think I just want to feel connected. I want a witness to what I'm going through maybe. If anything I'm probably wanting him to be my "mom" and be supportive and willing to listen all the time, the way my mom never did.

Thanks for your insight.

[robertbayez]

sometimes, a just supportive friend, to listen to you, is very good for you !