Struggling

So I was doing really well for the last month or so. I had two weeks off for summer vacation but I managed to be really active and managed to find people to spend time with. But as soon as summer vacation ended I got really anxious and depressed again.

I think it's because J came back from holiday. (You may have seen me write about him before - he's the guy I like but who doesn't like me back, but also one of my few close friends). While he was gone I couldn't feel rejected that he wasn't hanging out with me like I do when he's here so I was carefree I guess. I did miss being able to text him throughout the day and turned to my friend C a lot to pick up the slack I think. Before J left I was feeling good about the way things were going, ie him texting me from the airport to say he was leaving which made me feel special. But he got back and even though we texted I still got upset I think because I wanted to see and talk to him. Last year we worked together so I could talk to him about everything that was on my mind and I'm still mourning the loss of that situation. I get upset when we go too long without a catch up session. My therapist suggested that I ask him to set up a weekly meeting with him so that I wouldn't get frustrated and act out but I haven't done that yet.

He is a good friend to me. He knows the right thing to say when I'm feeling upset, ie when I was upset that one of my friends didn't show up when I invited them, he responded with "B likes you, everyone likes you." Most people in my life would just tell me to stop worrying or make me feel stupid or something but he understands my worries.

Then I acted out last night. I finally got to see J. I invited him to a street festival that was happening in my neighborhood, but we didn't really have much time to talk because we were busy watching the festival and C was there too. He went home at about 10 and I had a breakdown. It usually happens after I've been drinking because I'm less inhibited. I cried my eyes out to my friend C in the public square in front of the station. I texted J everything I was feeling (no response of course). I made facebook updates about how sad I was. The whole 9 yards.

I saw J on the train to work this morning. He asked me if I was ok and I said yeah and he asked me if I was sure and I said yeah. It wasn't the right time or place to have a conversation about my feelings. And I guess my outbursts have happened often enough that he doesn't think much of them anymore? In a way that's nice because I've had a lot of people stop being my friend for that reason so I guess he's accepting of that side of me to an extent. I just can't shake this depressed feeling now. I think it all goes back to the old childhood wounds of not feeling valued by my parents. I have a desire to earn people's approval, maybe because I'll finally feel like I've earned my family's approval.

I just want someone who I can share myself with and talk to on a regular basis. I just want to feel important to someone

Hiya...I do the same and rely on others to make me feel good and also I see myself through other's eye's. Which is rubbish really. I know the feeling of wanting to be important to someone, I know I am important to my husband but I still want to be important to others as well. Seeing that constant reassuarance is tiring.

Sounds like you have some understanding friends, although they don't tell you all the time, I am sure you are important to them

Or it could be he knew you had been drinking and that usually signals different behavior for all of us! Alcohol is a depressant and you went off in a depressed way. It's a behavior you can fix but not "surprising" or part of your day-to-day self. He asked if you were okay for that reason; people behave differently when they have been drinking and aren't their usual selves (hence, no point in his replying to your text last night). He's a friend and cares about you, that's why he asked.

I think he knows I have "temporary moments of insanity" and has made a point of telling me in the past that he won't respond to any depressed texts. I just don't know how to stop wanting and needing his approval to feel ok. I don't know to deal with things being taken away, like having his regular companionship last year and not having it this year.

Well if you do find the answer pls let us al know! It's a part of our illness and hopefully, with treatment and time, stuff like that will ease up. When you are confident enough you will stop needing his approval....I should think! I needing approval comes from, I think, never feeling good enough as a child. So like a child I am constantly still seeking it.

Well I went out on a limb today and tried some direct communication. I get really strong urges to tell him how much I'm hurting when I'm feeling neglected or disconnected from him. I guess I want reassurance and validation. But usually it backfires because I've dumped on him too many times and he feels overwhelmed and manipulated. I don't like how he feels scared of me and how I feel scared to touch certain subjects with him and I've been wanting to change that.

I came home tonight and was feeling depressed and really wanted to tell him what I felt. I knew it might backfire but I did it anyway. My therapist has advised me in the past to tell him I would like it if I could spend time with him every week. So I tried something like that and asked him if we could hang out next week then added on how I was feeling down and how it's tough having my kind of background. Of course he responded by saying it's too much when I talk about my issues. I told him that I understood why he felt that way (validation) and said that I'm not just looking to dump on him. He said he felt better knowing that I understand how he feels! Maybe I was actually able to have some healthy direct communication! But still so much more work to do. I still don't know why this one relationship plays on my mind so much or if it is even a functional relationship or not.

Hezaa, glad to hear that you may some progress. May I add a word of advice? Leave the alcohol alone. I have been sober for 2 years now and I think that has made all the difference. We borderlines have a difficult enough time without adding alcohol to the mix. I have never yet encountered ANY problem that got better when I poured alcohol on it.

Does he remind you of someone from earlier in your life?

No but I have a history of doing this with guys I like, or even with friends sometimes. I think it goes back to me never having really had parents (not in the emotional sense) so I'm always hoping someone will be that parent for me.

I so totally get this!

My parents did their best but my mum has and had severe mental issues while we were growing up. All of my dads time was spent on my mum making sure she was ok and my mums energy...well, was spent on herself. We did get love, but only when she was feeling good. Never really had emotional support or advice...or even given life skills. This lead to a lot of problems which I wont bore you with.

Wishing you all the best

I have friendships where I often tell people how I'm feeling/talk about my problems, mostly it's online friendships and we never hang out in person which is kind of frustrating/not very fulfilling, I feel like they only see one side of me.. I'm a little more calmer/less negative in person. Sometimes I feel bad for dumping my problems on them but they deal with it and can be supportive, some more than others and sometimes they ignore me too, esp when I go off on tangents. I also feel like I need reassurance and to be validated, I need people to listen to me and to give me advice or tell me that things are going to be okay. I also understand the whole "wanting someone to be a parent" my mom was absent, didn't offer support or speak to me even.. I was raised by my grandparents and most of their energy went to my mom, aunt, and uncle who have always had issues. It sounds like you have a pretty good friend whose supportive though, are you going to talk to him about hanging out once a week?