Morphing

I am not sure how to interpret this. I seem to be morphing somehow into someone new. Of course we all know that morphing, chameleon-like behaviors are not strange to us.

Being independent, being on my own and having to be responsible for things going on in my life has had an effect on me that is quite unexpected. I am finding that being an introvert is something that is becoming more foreign to me as time goes on. Not in the sense that I'm becoming someone really extroverted, I doubt that would ever happen but I am finding myself able to talk to people that in the past I would never have done. I am finding that lately I'll just pick up a conversation with a stranger when I'm out and about. I am still a bit awkward at times. I mean if the intitial conversation doesn't go right, I know that I'd really shrink back and have no idea where to go from there with people. Like if I don't know how to continue the conversation I get real nervous and probably awkward. Possibly visibly awkward too but still... things are different to a point.

I know that in large crowds, I still feel pretty awkward. I know that in certain situations I'd still be very introverted and socially inept... it's like there is this part of me that is still there that is like that but I am able to somewhat get over it a little more in certain situations. I would ask if this is weird, but I'm guessing on some level everyone or someone understands and has experienced this too.

The thing is, in all of my "phases" over the course of my life, the truth is I haven't always been the "shadow walker" I have been the past decade and a half or so. Thing is the more assertive and outgoing my partners were, the more I would become introverted around them in public. Before the exes, long before, in high school, I was even somewhat of a leader of my group of friends. I was the older one, we were crazy we did things that were out of character of what I am now. We were loud and obnoxious. Kind of popular with a few of the other crowds... so this is not completely new.. It's strange and enlightening to look back and see the roles I've played over time.

I still am not sure where I fit in, exactly. I've been the shy kid, the athlete, the stoner, the popular kid, the artist, and even, the bully (yes really). I have played so many roles over time..

I guess the one thing I am sure of. I am most myself right now, alone, without an over-bearing partner to control me. I know that if I ever did find someone to be with, she would have to be someone that would allow me to be me, as I am right now and not squash that, or make me feel like I needed to mold to her liking.

In a nutshell... I am glad to be where I am right now and although I know that at any given time, something can happen that may send me spiralling or spinnig out of control, but for now... I am at peace. All I can do is know that it can happen and brace myself for if it does.

Yeah sorry for this ramble.. just thinking about this stuff.

Thanks for listening
S4

Enjoy yourself while it lasts, don't question the good times, just roll with it.

Thank you. Not really questioning at all, just observing and analyzing what is happening. Just posted this because it's interesting how much I've changed recently.

Well I think it's wonderful!

Keep it up!

It is very good that you are able to notice the changes within yourself and place your finger on exactly what it is and why. That will hopefully make it where you can resist the molding/changing that can happen in the future becaue you'll notice that too when it starts, when you can hopefully say "not again". That is a postive step in the right direction. May it continue.

it would be nice but I doubt that will happen. Personally I think part of coming to terms with myself is realizing that it's part of life... extreme behavior or not. I'll always have this personality and emotions, why fight it? The part I think I need to really fight is unreasonable perceptions and expectations more than anything.

I agree....to a point. There's nothing wrong with the extreme behavior...we all have it on this forum, but if it's a behavior that could potentially cause you years of unhappiness, it may be time for a tweak here and there.

I suppose that's true when it can cause damage or hurt someone... but again, much of the extreme responses can be remedied by correcting perceptions and thoughts.

True, provided those corrected perceptions and thoughts stay with you when under duress or faced with a possible relationship. It's hateful to me when I know my thinking is becoming skewed but for whatever reason there's very little I can do about it.....like when this stupid job starts getting to me!