[IGotThis]

Do you hug your therapist?

Okay, so this is a question for those of you who have already been through this... How do you ask for a hug from your therapist? I am a very huggy person, just because they make me feel so safe, and it's really hard to feel alone when you're being held... I have never talked to her about her policy on it, although my best friend's sister sees the same therapist and says she gets a hug every time she goes... I just don't know how to ask her about it.... Any advice?

[allme]

Hi,

I am probably the wrong person to ask as the last t that hugged me also kissed me and I went through hell as a result of his abuse. But I also had a female t who like to hug but this made me feel uncomfortable. I never told her this and just went along with it. Therapy with her didn't last too long...not just because of the hug though.

I think if there is no erotic transference and comfortable with it then I guess it is fine. But from personal experience, it never ended well...

My T doesn't believe in any kind of physical contact. I thibk he said it was because of everyones historys he sees, like abuse or anything then him touching them anyway whether just a pat on the back etc could trigger them somehow.

I did see a T who was all about contact. And I hated it. It made me feel so uncomfortable. But thats just me personally.

Originally Posted by IGotThis

Do you hug your therapist?

Okay, so this is a question for those of you who have already been through this... How do you ask for a hug from your therapist? I am a very huggy person, just because they make me feel so safe, and it's really hard to feel alone when you're being held... I have never talked to her about her policy on it, although my best friend's sister sees the same therapist and says she gets a hug every time she goes... I just don't know how to ask her about it.... Any advice?

OMG NO NEVER that is. just. too. personal. he/she'd be my therapist, not my friend, relative or anything close enough to ever want a hug. But then hugs for me are reserved for those I really love, very close people, my kids and if I have one, significant other.

[shezbut]

I have seen several T's over the years, and I haven't ever hugged any of them. I am very uncomfortable with hugs 95% of the time. Even with my bf and kids, my wall is often up and I have to push it down purposely. Not an easy task for me.

But, I think that my case sounds a bit extreme.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

I do not hug my current T and really can't imagine doing that. On the reverse, I hugged my last therapist lots, sometimes sat with my head in her lap if I was feeling really bad that day. With her it just seemed natural. But she never initiated, it was always up to me. I remember one day I was upset with her and went to leave without giving her a hug. I got to the door and turned around and she was standing there looking at me. I went back and gave her a hug and she said "I am so glad you hugged me." It made me feel very special and loved and I appreciated her for it. So I guess the take away is that IMO "it depends" but should not be initiated by the T.

Originally Posted by shezbut

But, I think that my case sounds a bit extreme.

I don't think so. I'm pretty much like this too. I do hug my kids because I love them dearly but it's not liek an everyday thing or anything.

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

I do not hug my current T and really can't imagine doing that. On the reverse, I hugged my last therapist lots, sometimes sat with my head in her lap if I was feeling really bad that day. With her it just seemed natural. But she never initiated, it was always up to me. I remember one day I was upset with her and went to leave without giving her a hug. I got to the door and turned around and she was standing there looking at me. I went back and gave her a hug and she said "I am so glad you hugged me." It made me feel very special and loved and I appreciated her for it. So I guess the take away is that IMO "it depends" but should not be initiated by the T.

yeah see I don't think any of that is bad, but tbh that is way too close for me. I don't think I would let myself get that close to someone that sees me at the most 1 time a week for an hour to talk to me professionally about my problems. I just see them as a servicer.

[IGotThis]

See, I see her twice a week, as well as exchange emails sometimes if I am really in need of help with getting through something.... Also, as I've said, I am very comfortable with hugs, and I tend to be more comfortable talking when I'm sitting close to someone... Hugs break my wall down so I don't have to... I can be really uncomfortable or nervous about a conversation, but if I can sit close, and lean over with my head on their shoulder or at least start the conversation with a hug, it's much easier for me to get through it... I am doing really well with having those conversations without that contact, but I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be hugged and held either... My dance teacher knows that when I'm really anxious while we're talking, all she has to do is scoot a little closer so I can feel her there, or pull me closer and let me rest my head on her shoulder, and I calm down WAAAY faster, and can get back to whatever we're talking about more quickly...

Originally Posted by IGotThis

See, I see her twice a week, as well as exchange emails sometimes if I am really in need of help with getting through something.... Also, as I've said, I am very comfortable with hugs, and I tend to be more comfortable talking when I'm sitting close to someone... Hugs break my wall down so I don't have to... I can be really uncomfortable or nervous about a conversation, but if I can sit close, and lean over with my head on their shoulder or at least start the conversation with a hug, it's much easier for me to get through it... I am doing really well with having those conversations without that contact, but I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be hugged and held either... My dance teacher knows that when I'm really anxious while we're talking, all she has to do is scoot a little closer so I can feel her there, or pull me closer and let me rest my head on her shoulder, and I calm down WAAAY faster, and can get back to whatever we're talking about more quickly...

that is interesting and soooooo completely opposite of me. If you're not in any way related to me and close as a best friend, sibling, parent or child I don't ever feel like I'd want to hug or get hugged by the person.

Nothing wrong with it, dont' get me wrong. just. you. people. scare. me. (kidding)

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

that is interesting and soooooo completely opposite of me. If you're not in any way related to me and close as a best friend, sibling, parent or child I don't ever feel like I'd want to hug or get hugged by the person.

Nothing wrong with it, dont' get me wrong. just. you. people. scare. me. (kidding)

Lol. I've always found it interesting that people hate hugs, so I guess we're even lol.... Does this mean that I shouldn't send you a hug for that post? :P

Originally Posted by IGotThis

Lol. I've always found it interesting that people hate hugs, so I guess we're even lol.... Does this mean that I shouldn't send you a hug for that post? :P

hahaha virtual hugs lack the impact that would make me cringe.

I don't hate hugs. Just not from random people or acquaintences. for me it just feels weird.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by IGotThis

See, I see her twice a week, as well as exchange emails sometimes if I am really in need of help with getting through something.... Also, as I've said, I am very comfortable with hugs, and I tend to be more comfortable talking when I'm sitting close to someone... Hugs break my wall down so I don't have to... I can be really uncomfortable or nervous about a conversation, but if I can sit close, and lean over with my head on their shoulder or at least start the conversation with a hug, it's much easier for me to get through it... I am doing really well with having those conversations without that contact, but I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be hugged and held either... My dance teacher knows that when I'm really anxious while we're talking, all she has to do is scoot a little closer so I can feel her there, or pull me closer and let me rest my head on her shoulder, and I calm down WAAAY faster, and can get back to whatever we're talking about more quickly...

Tell your T how you feel. If you can't say it out loud, then send it to her in an e-mail since you say you already communicate that way. Part of our problem as BPD's, is IMO, that we often don't tell people what we need.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

OMG NO NEVER that is. just. too. personal. he/she'd be my therapist, not my friend, relative or anything close enough to ever want a hug. But then hugs for me are reserved for those I really love, very close people, my kids and if I have one, significant other.

I wonder if this hugging is also a guy/girl thing. I felt comfortable hugging and having some physical contact with my previous therapist because she was an older lady who became something of a mother figure to me. I am not sure that I would be comfortable with hugging a male T. And I would not be surprised that a guy would feel less inclined to hug a T, either male or female.

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Tell your T how you feel. If you can't say it out loud, then send it to her in an e-mail since you say you already communicate that way. Part of our problem as BPD's, is IMO, that we often don't tell people what we need.

I'm just not sure how to bring it up (the actual words), because I don't want to set myself up just for her to tell me no and then end up extremely disappointed...

She has a little couch thing and two individual chairs that I can sit in, and she usually sits at her desk, while I sit on the couch, but I was thinking about asking if she would come and sit next to me on the couch and go from there...

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

I wonder if this hugging is also a guy/girl thing. I felt comfortable hugging and having some physical contact with my previous therapist because she was an older lady who became something of a mother figure to me. I am not sure that I would be comfortable with hugging a male T. And I would not be surprised that a guy would feel less inclined to hug a T, either male or female.

could be. but I wouldn't hug a guy either.

For me it's pretty much all around both sides. really not related to gender, but just it has to do with the level of intimacy in the relationship.

[Luvmydog]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Tell your T how you feel. If you can't say it out loud, then send it to her in an e-mail since you say you already communicate that way. Part of our problem as BPD's, is IMO, that we often don't tell people what we need.

I agree completely that we often don't tell others what we need. For me, it is sometimes fear that holds me back. Other times, it just seems that my needs are unimportant. An Email could solve the problem.

As far as if I would hug my T, no. In my eyes, a T is a professional, and therefore I feel that a professional relationship needs to be maintained, but that is just me. Like you, Igoththis, I am what you would call huggy, but don't linger after the hug. Unlike you, I have a problem with people who are in too close a proximity to me. It makes me uncomfortable.

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by Luvmydog

I agree completely that we often don't tell others what we need. For me, it is sometimes fear that holds me back. Other times, it just seems that my needs are unimportant. An Email could solve the problem.

As far as if I would hug my T, no. In my eyes, a T is a professional, and therefore I feel that a professional relationship needs to be maintained, but that is just me. Like you, Igoththis, I am what you would call huggy, but don't linger after the hug. Unlike you, I have a problem with people who are in too close a proximity to me. It makes me uncomfortable.

I have a problem with people I don't know being too close, however I feel comfortable enough with her that I think it would be more on the therapeutic side than harmful...

As far as not liking being in close proximity, if I am comfortable enough with you, I can easily sit in a full on hug for an hour... I realize at that point, it's basically cuddling, but as a comfort thing, it is very relaxing for me.... I find myself sitting across the room from people and almost longing for there to be room wherever they are to squeeze in... As I said, it's hard to feel alone when someone is physically there

Originally Posted by Luvmydog

As far as if I would hug my T, no. In my eyes, a T is a professional, and therefore I feel that a professional relationship needs to be maintained, but that is just me.

This is exactly how I feel about Therapists.

[IGotThis]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

This is exactly how I feel about Therapists.

I guess for me, I see it as a therapist is a professional whose job is to support me in a way that helps me grow more able to cope with life. In order to do that, I have to be comfortable talking to her, so I need to view her as a comfortable professional, and not just a doctor... I get really embarrassed talking to doctors, so it's more effective for me if I don't look at her as strictly in that professional doctoral role, but rather look at her as a person who knows a hell of a lot more about how to handle myself than I do, but I have to be comfortable talking to her for her to know what works best...

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by IGotThis

I guess for me, I see it as a therapist is a professional whose job is to support me in a way that helps me grow more able to cope with life. In order to do that, I have to be comfortable talking to her, so I need to view her as a comfortable professional, and not just a doctor... I get really embarrassed talking to doctors, so it's more effective for me if I don't look at her as strictly in that professional doctoral role, but rather look at her as a person who knows a hell of a lot more about how to handle myself than I do, but I have to be comfortable talking to her for her to know what works best...

Tell her what you need. She cannot read your mind. Tell her just exactly what you told us here. The words were perfect. If you can't tell her face to face, then send her an e-mail. If this is something that is absolutley against her ethics then she can tell you. It will sting for a bit, but you'll get over it and can move on. You might even look for a different T who can better meet your needs. However, you did say that other patients get hugs, so it doesn't seem like she is against it. But I would bet that this is something that she does only when she is sure that it is okay with the patient. And she can never know if it is okay with you if you don't tell her.