Mean Cops

So... my daughter 19, was arrested a few nights ago. Accused of shoplifting because she and her friend spaced out in the make up aisle too long. She refused the search and they told her they'd make sure to note she did not cooperate but will be searching her anyway. They found a pot pipe and a small amount of heroin.

My baby... has a heroin problem... I had no idea She is the sweetest, smartest, most beautiful woman on this planet - so tortured with emotional turmoil.

I'm writing here because she and I both have bipolar dx, but so many bpd traits too - she even more than me - she has been doing SI since age 12 at least I just feel like you guys might understand better than my usual bp forum... I'm feeling very fragile to be honest, and a little safer here on this topic.

When my daughter had a panic attack and couldn't stop crying traumatized, these police told her "how suspicious you are acting, stop the crying, you must be a junkie heroin dealer!" She tried to tell them she has a mental health issue, and that she was trying to stop crying but they didn't care.

They held her for a day. She has sores all around her wrists because they didn't like her and made the cuffs too tight. They say she was "out of control" because of the crying... Zero compassion... Zero...

I hate cops, I hate anyone in some authority position who traumatizes people, abuses their power. I hate them and I'm furious and trying to hold it all in and maintain.

Yea there's good news, she may get help and quit this heroin. But screw those jerks for treating her that way. She's tiny , she wasn't shop lifting as accused , they did not need to be rough.

I hate this horrible world.

Luckily my best friend is a dr who beat his own addiction, he's coming over today to check on her and give her some medicine to help with the withdrawal. She doesn't want to tell me how much she's really been doing, and that's ok because she's willing to tell & trust him so he can know the truth and the right dosages to give her. He's the only one in real life I trust to tell about this. I think my girlfriends will judge me and my daughter and turn into gossip.

Thanks for letting me let it out here...

I am so sorry about that, must have been quite some ordeal for your daughter! I'm sure cops have a duty of care too and should have checked up on her mental health or called a doctor or something??

I don't have any advice, but hugs for both you and your daughter

I am sorry for you and your daughter too. Thankfully, she is getting some help to beat her addiction. I am also thankful that you felt welcome here. Please continue to post as much as you feel the need.

I dont' care what they accused her of or even that they caught her in possession. Crying does not equate to being out of control and she deserved even as an arrested person, more care. I wouldn't even say they needed compassion, I wouldn't expect that from police arresting what they have deemed a drug abuser or dealer but there is an expectation of humane care that even a prisoner is to be given and they seem to have ingnored that idea. Thing is when they arrest someone, this person, whether wrong or not is "innocent until proven guilty" on top of the fact that even if she were guilty she'd deserve more care than they gave. To end up with sores on her wrists from the tightness of the cuffs says to me they were bordering on abusive, but then that's from my perspective, I dont' know if cuffs give you sores typically, it just seems like more than would be expected in my mind.

I really would consider filing a complaint. Without arguing anyting on her innocence/guilt, just on the basist of her treatment. I'm no law person, so I don't know if it would work but if it were my daughter I'd probably be considering this.

I'm sorry for your discovery of your daughter's problem with heroin too. I hope you and she can work out something to get her help with the drugs and/or with the MI.

My dr friend can't come by today now His ex wife demanded he drive to pick up his kids out of town today, he wasn't supposed to leave until later & won't be back until Monday. Disappointed. Should I have known things never work out? I wish he would've let me know this morning when he started driving. He promised last night he'd be here today and that it was going to be ok...

Guess I'll take a valium and a nap now that I don't have to keep trying to stay awake waiting for him. I have 3 hours until have to be at my 11 yr old's game today. "Working from home" today...

A little more background on me, I'm a single mom of 3, 2 deadbeat dads abandoned them (and me). My 17 yr old son has bp & bpd issues, and kicked a meth addiction earlier this year. He's doing a little better now except for the dui a month ago, but he's back in school / independent studies and he started his first job this week, masonry, hard work, he's sore all over but proud of himself. I have to take him to court tomorrow! And my daughter to the probation drug test place on Monday!! WTF life? And I run a business, I feel so overwhelmed. Nap & Netflix time... it will be ok, somehow, it will.

Thank you. Good idea file complaint. I should've taken pictures of her wrists...
You're right, they will ignore anything from me regarding innocence/guilt of charges.

Innocent until proven guilty doesn't seem to exist in action from police unfortunately... I am so sad for her, to be humiliated for crying. Little 19 yr old girl, never been arrested. How could crying be so uncommon? She and I both are pretty loud criers, most people don't seem to like or understand that, but it's uncontrollable sometimes.

Well I think cops, can at times get a big chip on their shoulders by their jobs and this is why when they do forget that they are not the gods of this earth that they are reminded and we need to at the very least report such behavior.

I understand about the crying and even without being overly compassionate they could have treated her with respect. Thing is you don't have to understand or be empathetic towards the person. That's not their job but to demean her for it is wrong. Either leave it be or err on the side of compassion, but this goes the entire opposite direction.

I'm sure crying isn't uncommon and I'm not being the devil's advocate here as much as stating a fact of reality. To their credit, I bet they see far more crying in their line of work than either you or I do. Unfortunately I'm sure this works to desensitize them to it. But that's why I emphasize that I wouldn't expect them to have empathy toward an arrested person but still need to work on being fair and just in their caring of them.

Blue Inanna

You do have a heck of a lot of stress in your life, wow! As a mother, myself, my heart just aches as I read what happened to your daughter. It must be incredibly difficult to deal with!

Gentle hugs sent your way...

Its gonna be ok sis life keeps throwing heavy punches at you and you always come out on top. I know it doesn't look like it from this angle, but somehow, someway your family will be ok again.

I'm glad you decided to post, its important that you have some form of support during this very trying time. I can only imagine what you must be going through as a mother, but I've seen you fight for your kids, day in, day out, month in, month out.

If I can be half the mother u are, then Jordan is set for life. Thank you for being such a fantastic example and role model for me

Keep talking and please remember to look after you too, C matters as well, not just the kids and work.

Love you muchness!

Blue,

My heart is just breaking for you. As a single mom myself I know it can be tough. But you have more than the usual set of stressors. There is not really anything that I can say that will make things better, but know that a prayer has been lifted up for you and yours.

aw you're so nice. add my prayer to yours

Same!!! I know it's tough, but I also know you'll get through it, and come out on top!!! You got this

Thanks all
Yesterday was grueling. Forced myself to shower and managed to get to my youngest son's game & cheer him on.

Then we had hours of science homework & studied for his language arts test. He has an IEP for visual processing disorder, so reading and writing are really challenging for him (my older son has same disorder, but additional bp/bpd issues and I didn't know our rights in the schools when he was younger, wish I could've helped him earlier).

Then made dinner with bf. I was very grouchy with bf, and he was grouchy too. But we rode it out somehow. Then off to sleep.

Waking up today was hell, but I'm up. Lots of coffee. Doing stupid emails and work bs, then have to take older son to court at 1pm. Yay more cops... the juvie cops are actually somewhat nice... usually...

I'm so disappointed with dr friend. And the look on my daughter's face when I had to tell her he couldn't come. I'm not hating him which is good. And I understand he's going through a lot with this custody battle and his own bp ups & downs. But I am feeling that empty disappointed rejection pit in my chest. He had a 5 hour drive, could've easily texted me when he knew, that he wouldn't be able to come by.

I don't like today. Nope don't like it at all.

But I somehow need to get a presentable positive mood on for my son's sake - court is scary - and to look like a capable mother in front of the judge.

Blue, I am so sorry you are dealing with all this. Maybe this isn't a good comment but if you can think about it this way maybe it will help. While it is terrible that your daughter was arrested, now you know about her addiction and are helping her. She could have gone along for years and gotten in a really bad place where you could not get her the help she needs, or she refused to get help.

My son also got a dui last year, a month after he turned 21. I was so upset and angry. He has paid a terrible price ( that he deserved). Thankfully, he did not hurt anyone. I believe he will never drink and drive again, and it is a lesson he has shared with his brothers and friends so some good did come of it.

Blue, I am praying for you, your daughter and sons. (((hugs)))

Blue, how is everyone doing?
If you feel like it let us know.
You guys have been in my prayers.

Thanks
Kids are mostly well, just so many appt's.., Drug tests, court fees, driving. I'm feeling pretty drained & messed up. Flu or depression idk... Very unmotivated & apathetic about work. Back with the bf & trying to open up & accept his help. I need a lot of help. I'm isolating & being a hypo hondriac worried about my physical health. I want to sleep until Spring. Depressions here, not another winter
Hoping tomorrow will be better. I spent whole day in bed today, must get to work tomorrow morning. Worried.

Just awful! Your daughter must have been so scared

What an awesome mum you are. Keep going

Thanks, she was so scared. Took her to random drug test today - she was clean except pot good news. But they wouldn't even let me walk with her to door of jail drug test area. . She was high anxiety almost tears, said mom wait here I have to go alone. This was hard for me to watch her cross that street like she was 4 again... Just let me walk over and help her find right door to go into - test me too if you want! But nope. She's 19. My baby & I have no rights. . Very rough day up since 5am, helping 17 ur old get to work, then 11 yr old to school, then me to work an hour away, then rush back to take daughter an hour away other direction for the drug test, and so on... Dinner, dishes, showers, bed. Now I lay in bed waiting for sleep. It has to get a little easier at some point.

Totally subconsciously butt-dialed my daughter 3 times tonight lol. Got to say goodnight I love you 3 extra times. She was amused at silly mom, seriously I was trying to use the phone as a flashlight, then later trying to plug it in the charger.

Realizing I'm worried about her bf. if she's telling me the truth that he will break up with her if she does H again. She's promising me he doesn't do it & said ppl all around are accusing him because of her getting busted, she asked me to please not join in on that. I want to believe her but - me at that age - I lied to my parents all the time. ...

Just processing, so much on my mind. Sleep would be helpful if it will come tonight.