Feel like it's coming back

I think it's coming back and I am scared of it happening again. I was fine for nearly or around 2 months and honestly thought I had 'it' beat. It started a few nights ago after reading someone's post about the lack of help we have over here when in dire need. It made me feel so alone. Then the obsessive thoughts about husband dying came flooding and I haven't been able to stop obsessing about it for 3 or 4 days. With that I have had feelings of despair, anxiety and general dread. I have been feeling low too.... It's all leading to one thing - Depression. I can feel it and I can't stop it no matter how positive I try to be. It's like someone else is in control of me now with a whole different perspective on reality, my life and a whole different set of emotions. I am losing my temper quicker, paranoid and feeling desperate. I txt everyone I know today because I feel like I am losing friends. I had a couple of responses saying hey lets get together but the truth is I don't want to see anyone....but I don't want to lose them so this is my desperate attempt of me wanting to know they still care. I am going to see Bruno Mars with a friend tonight and I am dreading it with all my being. Stuck in a venue with 1000's of other ppl singing, dancing and screaming seems like a total nightmare to me right now. I just want to curl up in bed and be left alone.....but not feel lonely while doing this. I am such a freak....so abnormal....so alone. I spoke to my hubby about it last night and he said stuff like 'pull yourself together', 'think positive' 'do you have any idea what this does to me' and he at one point said he thought he suffered, sometimes, more than me having to watch it happen to me and how I treat him when I am 'there' in that dark place. This angered me and I just cried because at that point I believed there isn't one single person in my life that actually understands what it is to be me. I really am a freak.

I can only hope that tomorrow will see it lift. I cannot go through depression and all the other stuff that happens to me again. Fear, paranoia, anger and black and white thinking ruin me. And this is when I most feel alone in this world.

What's the point in it all when it just keeps coming back again and again? I am causing my husband great sadness and I hurt ppl around me.....I really should move away and live in some hole by myself but at the same time, being alone is what I fear most at my very core.

Sorry for the long post....I just needed it out there....

I'm sorry that my post triggered you

And I am so sorry you are feeling this way I know that you are not a freak, that you are not alone. We are all here for you, hubby is there for you too. He might not have the most helpful of things to say but I know that he cares for you! He wouldn't want you to leave and live in a hole by yourself. I know the guilt that you are feeling though, the whole 'hes better off without me' logic. But it isn't logical, it's not true.

You have been looking forward to seeing Bruno Mars for so long now and I really hope that when you get there you can shake these horrible feelings and enjoy yourself. Maybe when he comes on it won't be so scary, I'm sure you will be dancing singing away getting lost in it like everyone else. I hope so anyway

You are most definitely never alone! I know the feeling exactly! I've heard that Bruno Mars is an excellent performer so I think that you should go no matter how you feel. I bet the energy from the concert will at least lift your mood up to some extent. You should go and let us all know how it was tomorrow!

To be honest, I'm not sure the symptoms of BPD in any sufferer will ever go away 100% at any point. It's a bit of a rollercoaster though. Sometimes you feel the effects less and sometimes you feel them more. All that matters is that we work to have more ups than downs in our lives. We're in this together!

Sorry to hear you aren't doing so well allme hope you feel better soon! I hope you do go out and enjoy that concert with your friend! You need to enjoy yourself soon before it slips back into depression. What I've noticed about depression is if you can become aware of when its starting to come back, you can do certain things to make it less severe. Its really hard to do these things when you are already depressed because they do take some motivation, which is usually absent in me when I'm depressed. Are you in therapy? Many times just talking about it with a good therapist can make me feel better. 5 Ideas for Boosting Your Energy When Depression Strikes | Psych Central

Hearing you re the lack of help over here

wish I could be more helpful...(pm me any time)

sending you hugs and empathy

OK, I am jealous of you going to see Bruno Mars Although I get you on the crowd of people, it would set off an panic attack in me.

My husband and I are going to a matinee movie. We really need a "date" and time without the boy. We are broke but DH works at the cinema as his second job and gets a movie pass for 2 every week.

I can so relate to all that you said. I don't talk about how I feel to family because it upsets them too much. It actually hurts my husband physically, emotionally. People can't really understand the disorder and how much we suffer...so I don't talk about it, except to you guys. But you're not a freak. We're just built differently, handle things differently, think differently..etc. I've been having the paranoia too lately and Idk how to handle it. The obsessive thoughts drive me nuts to where I just want to sleep all the time.Not sure there is a way to beat this thing inside us...we just have to try to handle it day by day or hour by hour and yes it seems impossible. I seem to do better when I'm busy around the house and make plans to go see my mom. It'll get better soon..Dont give up and try not to lose hope. You're not alone cuz we're in this together! And I need you, all of you.

Thanks for all the hugs and support....I am just back from concert and reading your responses really made me feel less alone

It was a terrible evening, Bruno did his thing and he was a total performer as always (not the first time I have been to see him) but as I thought, the crowds were too much for me. The smell of body odour, perfume and then the noise and lighting just sent my head into a spin and had to keep going outside to catch my breath. I went with my friend, her sister and 2 of her sisters friends and they all jumped around, laughed and danced while I stood there...as stiff as a plank I was getting so angry with the crowd, pushing shoving and smelling....yelling oh god it was awful. And then one of the sisters friends kept wanting to take photos For each of these I ducked and was p***** that she kept trying to take pictures of me while I was feeling so fricking uncomfortable. My friend kept asking what was wrong which just made me feel worse and then like an idiot tried bopping up and down in an attempt to look like I was dancing and having a good time but this just made me feel more aware of myself.

All in all it was a disaster. I tried to focus on Bruno but the crowds, noise and smells were all too much for me. Now I am home...hubby is in bed, and I feel like a freaking failure. This definitely is the start of something. It's coming. How bad and how long it will last I don't know.

Hey really it's ok If it wasn't that, it would have been something else!

I'm sorry it didn't go as well as you could have hoped. But this doesn't mean it's the start of something bad again. If you let yourself believe this then it is more likely to happen, like a self fulfilling prophecy. Believe that it's just a blip and you will be ok again soon

Thanks I so hope it's a blip but really, I feel 'it' taking over me. My whole perspective has shifted. My whole outlook has changed and I feel 'dark'. I will try and remember it passes...but oh god pls, really I just can't face this again. And the toll it takes on my long poor suffering husband is too much to bear. I feel such guilt sitting here. I can't put him through it again...I can't put myself through it again...I just can't damn it.

So sorry that the concert didn't turn out for you. It really sucks for sure!
Sometimes the worst part about depression is the fear of having another episode. Fear, anxiety, and a host of other feelings tied in with a whole family of negative feelings can really "sink our ship." Bottom line is: There are those who love you and are standing with you regardless of how you feel.
Good for you for posting and sharing with us. That takes courage... good for you!!!

I know exactly how you are feeling and I'm sorry you're going through it again

You can do it though. You've done it before, you can get through it again. We are all here to support you and get you through the dark times

Can you call your CPN perhaps and explain how things are going and see if she can bump you up the waiting list for therapy?

How are you this morning?

Hiya

Still feel the cloud over my head but managed to get out for coffee and lunch with hubby. I kinda coped with the crowds but again, the noises and smells got to me. We sat away in the corner of the coffee shop and felt safe there. I am so aware of myself....so conscious of how I look, walk and speak. I want to hide away But I refuse to do this. I will keep forcing myself to do things unless of course it becomes impossible for me. I am home now, done the washing up and have prepared dinner...just have to cook it now. All in all it hasn't been a disaster today but I can feel it looming over me. Have you seen Dexter the tv show? He mentions a 'dark passenger' and this really resonates with me cause that's exactly how it feels.

My CPN is due on Wednesday along with my new CPN to introduce us. I can't tell you the number of CPN's I've had, it's ridiculous. I will bring up therapy and see where I am with it all. I so hope I am near the top of the waiting list. I could really do with some extra support and input right now.

Thank you

I loved Dexter, know what you mean about the dark passenger

Good that you went out today and managed to do stuff, thats great!

I adored Dexter lol What did you think of the ending?

I dunno, it was good but I wanted something more I guess. I wanted him to get caught and everyone see who he really was lol

You?

Well firstly I wouldn't of killed Deborah off and to end, I would of had him escape with Hannah and Harrison to Argentina and yes, I would of also liked his true identity revealed as long as they wasn't able to arrest him in Argentina of course!

Yeah that would have been a better ending I didn't get why they needed to kill Deborah off

I miss it now it's finished though lol

I miss Dexter already. I thought they did a good job with the ending. It didn't totally make sense to kill Deb off, but for him to escape to Argentina after so much time planning it, would have been too predictable and too "happy" an ending. As it is, we can imagine Dexter continuing his important work in another area of the country, and fantasize that they can bring the series back.