[atomicc]

Hello all. I have thought for about four years now that I may have borderline personality disorder. I have only been in therapy for about a month and I have told her some things, but not many. I would like to know from people who have actually been diagnosed is if they can relate to any of things I'm describing. This may be long so if anyone reads it I am so appreciative.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment I have always suffered from a constant fear of being left of abandoned. I needed to have a man in my life always and the relationships were always tumultuous. I have talked to my therapist about my abandonment issues and we've agreed they're not due to some real specific event where I was abandoned (like left by my parents or whatever) but I have not told her everything. When I have had a fight with a boyfriend or a guy stopped talking to me..I would go into these manic states where I wasn't aware of what I was doing. I would beg and plead, I would threaten suicide. I have laid down in the street, I have attempted to throw myself from a moving car, I have waited til my boyfriend walked into my house and then began cutting my wrists for him to see. I have bashed my head into walls hoping to pass out.

A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships Before my current partner, I had a new boyfriend every week. I would talk to them for one day, or one hour and instantly I'd be in love and planning in my head our happy life together. I'd get too intense too fast and they'd leave. I'd curse at them and absolutely despise them. I'd move on to the next one and the pattern would repeat.

Identity disturbance I don't know who I am. I rely almost entirely on other people to tell me what to do. I'm constantly changing my look or my career ideas or where I want to live or what I want to do. I don't ever know.

Impulsivity I have abused drugs heavily and alcohol. I have consumed tons of cocaine then I'd drink and then I'd take a xanax or vicodin any other pill handed to me. I'd do whatever just to be high. I have also engaged in risky behavior with men but I don't want to get into that much...

Recurrent suicidal behavior Cutting, burning myself with cigarettes, hitting my head on walls, overdosing on pills, trying to kill myself.

Emotional instability I don't know how to explain but this is the epitome of me. I go from anger to intense anxiety to overwhelming sadness. One day I'm up and the next second I'm falling deep deep down.

Chronic feelings of emptiness I feel this is the reason I constantly seek out romantic relationships and stay with men who hurt me. I need to fill a void. I always feel lonely. even if I think "you have a loving boyfriend" I feel absolutely ****ing alone. I just can't feel whole or happy.

I appreciate anyone who read this, because I really am at a loss. I hate to go to my therapist and self diagnosis...do I bring it up? These things I've said here..I haven't really broached with her. They are deep and personal and I am scared. But If I do have BPD shouldn't I be treated properly for it?

[wiltedxdaisy]

Hi atomicc,

I've been diagnosed with BPD for 7 years now, although like you, I felt I had it before I was even diagnosed. I could relate to like... ALL of the diagnostic criteria for BPD. So.. I think if your gut is telling you that you might have it, and from reading what you've said, I would say it would be very beneficial to talk to your T about this. Perhaps even print out what you wrote just now and take that into her? Sometimes I find it easier to write down things then to talk about them. I think it's also important to remember that you know you best, so listen to what you are feeling, perhaps chat with some people with Borderline if you have any questions and just want to kind of practice talking to someone before talking to your T. I am available to chat if you'd like, feel free to message me. Take care and good luck talking to your T. Keep us all posted.

[atomicc]

Thank you very much I think it's a terrific idea to print this out. I find that Ia get really flustered in therapy and I wouldn't be able to say it right or I'd mess the whole thing up.

Writing things out is much easier! I find it really hard to talk and sometimes my T actually asks me to take things I've written, just so that he can get some idea of what is going on for me. I have to do this this Monday actually.

[Evil Schnoodle]

This is so not going to directly answer your question it's taken me a while to realize that the diagnoses, especially personality disorders, are not a concrete 'thing' but comes from a group of guys that get together every few years to decide on diagnoses. If you look at the criteria for BPD you can see over 100 different combinations of symptoms that skill get called 'borderline'. What I found helpful is asking 'am I suffering like this?". It might seem like a silly point..but I am a person who "experiences deep feelings, sometimes clings too tightly to unhealthy relationships, abuses alcohol at times to feel happy or numb, has done some pretty impulsive things, and has suffered so much that I chose to try to end my life twice". Do you feel the difference between this and "borderline"!? Borderline refers to a term, not a human being.this might seem small..but it is HUGE. If we see ourselves as borderlines, other people even our therapists will treat us as borderlines. If I believe, in my heart, that I am a worthwhile person who sufferers, tries to heal using unhealthy ways, desperately wants love but is scared to death.... that person deserves compassion.. a 'borderline' is just someone with a chronic illness. This change in thinking is at the root of recovery and of good therapy....thanks for reading my early morning rant. I hope you have a great and peaceful day!

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by Evil Schnoodle

This is so not going to directly answer your question it's taken me a while to realize that the diagnoses, especially personality disorders, are not a concrete 'thing' but comes from a group of guys that get together every few years to decide on diagnoses. If you look at the criteria for BPD you can see over 100 different combinations of symptoms that skill get called 'borderline'. What I found helpful is asking 'am I suffering like this?". It might seem like a silly point..but I am a person who "experiences deep feelings, sometimes clings too tightly to unhealthy relationships, abuses alcohol at times to feel happy or numb, has done some pretty impulsive things, and has suffered so much that I chose to try to end my life twice". Do you feel the difference between this and "borderline"!? Borderline refers to a term, not a human being.this might seem small..but it is HUGE. If we see ourselves as borderlines, other people even our therapists will treat us as borderlines. If I believe, in my heart, that I am a worthwhile person who sufferers, tries to heal using unhealthy ways, desperately wants love but is scared to death.... that person deserves compassion.. a 'borderline' is just someone with a chronic illness. This change in thinking is at the root of recovery and of good therapy....thanks for reading my early morning rant. I hope you have a great and peaceful day!

Well I absolutely suffer with all those things you're talking about. So are you saying I should just keep going with no answers or diagnosis? I mean I understand that labels in mental health are a big issue for some but personally I like to have something to look to and say. Wow ok..that's why I'm like this.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

I can relate to everything you have written. I agree with the others...print this out and take it to your T. Also, I have found that getting my diagnosis was very freeing. Now I know what is wrong and can work to fix it. I also now know why all those years of therapy for depression never worked. Good luck to you.

Atomicc - EVERY one of the symptoms you outlined fits me to a T.

And part of me hates it, but at least I can understand / accept some of the things I have done in my life.

My question to you is - why WOULDN'T you tell your T? You are young and have a ton of life ahead of you. You should see if you can get to live it *better*.

[atomicc]

Thank you both so much! I am definitely bringing this in to show my T on Tuesday. I guess I am just nervous she will think I'm silly or dumb for self-diagnosing. That's why I haven't brought it up yet, because she never did. I guess I haven't actually told her a lot though.

[HD7970GHZ]

Hey Atomicc,

I think that you are definitely capable of fulfilling all the diagnostic criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder. In saying that - remember that everyone can and does (at some point in their lives) meet the criteria for a personality disorder.

Take, for instance: A recently divorced man or woman. (I will use a woman for this example) She may not have wanted to split up - and therefore, finds it within herself - to fill the void with other relationships. The divorce has caused so much loss in her life - that in order to make up for it - she in turn becomes: Borderline Personality Disorder Criteria.

It's important to note that criteria changes and fluctuates over time - depending on individual stressors and triggers in one's life. Everyone has different ideas of what stress looks like. What may be considered the most stressful thing to one person may be looked at with ease by another.

Someone in their early teenage years and in their twenties may exhibit more of a desire for deeply emotional relationships (As is typical with that age of insecurity and lack of direction / purpose, let alone the physiological need for relationships) - but later on in life may not need them to the same degree or intensity. It seems to me - that people are simply social creatures - and that when their needs are not being met - they can and do often fulfill the diagnosis for a personality disorder. In this case - I think that what you have written above demonstrates that (AS OF NOW) you do indeed, and can, indeed: fulfill a diagnosis for Borderline Personality Disorder.

In saying this, I am NOT a trained professional. I am merely another sufferer who has read the information that you have written for us - and has based it on an opinion.

I know it is none of my business, however, I was wondering if you could share your age with us. I think it's something that we could all look at - and perhaps learn from. It is more of a curiosity than anything.

To be fair, I am 26 years old, and I have noticed a decline in the intensity of these Borderline traits and emotions compared to when I was 23. One of my favorite psychiatrist's told me in our last session - that my emotions and feelings would slowly become less intense over time. I didn't believe him but I actually think he is right. I think in saying this - it is important to note that there are many things that are associated with time. For one, maturity - from experience, making mistakes, learning from others, etc... Then there is the progression in life - the changes, the career, the family, the friends, the supports, etc... I think supports are a big thing. I think (at least for me) that with time - comes change. Hence, time IS change. Because we are so inclined to fulfilling our intense needs wants and desires - I think that over time - we gradually get our needs wants and desires met - from many different things. Instead of concentrating on getting our emotional needs met by one person - it becomes a multi-foundational dependency on many people we have met - that support us in some way - that enables us to feel whole again - and thus, we feel more happy, content, and can then feel less intense emotions - and in turn: we will no longer have Borderline Personality Disorder traits.

Sorry for the rant,

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz

[atomicc]

I appreciate your rant and tend to agree with you although I have my whole love felt unloved and intense emotions. There is never a stressor in my life to cause it., I'm twenty two, turning twenty three.

[Fuzzybear]

okay - maybe this is my BPD talking, or maybe I am a total moron (okay, we know that is true)....

But guys - can you look at that picture and even IMAGINE leaving her?

sorry if that sounded creepy. that was not my intention.

[learningtolive2013]

I have all of the symptoms that you do and reading some of your threads like the "jealousy" one I can relate that we are alike in a lot of ways. It took me awhile to get a "diagnosis" because either 1. I postponed therapy or 2. I didn't see a good pdoc. Last year I finally found someone who decided to do some kind of personality/behavior mental health assessment, it was basically a 300 question booklet that I had to fill in the radio buttons to answer each question, it was gruesome and took me a few hours, my only instruction was to answer each question as quickly as possible with little thought as possible, so I did. They put my answers into this machine and out spit a diagnosis. Depression, Alcohol abuse and Borderline Personality Disorder. I found it amazing and kind of a relief that this 300 question assessment that I didn't give much thought to actually collaborated with what I already had a feeling I knew. I don't much like labels either but to have that confirmation of being able to put a name to the chaos and then seeking the appropriate treatment for it is essential.

I would definitely ask your therapist about it. I wish I could remember the name of it but if you tell her it's a 300 question assessment she might know what you are talking about.. It's great that you can recognize what you feel you might have based on symptoms "a lot of people especially with BPD don't ever recognize it" or seek help for it.. I think we are rare.. And you are definitely ahead of the game in trying to find answers.

[HD7970GHZ]

Atomicc,

Thank you for clarifying what you feel.

I am sorry that you feel you are unloved. I am sorry that you feel there are no stressors that can indicate why you have such intense emotions. I apologize if my rant was in anyway unsupportive of you and your individual set of traits. I can only speak from my personal experience. Perhaps You and I are different in terms of emotions and intensities. When I was 23 I was at my all time worst when dealing with emotions so I understand where you are in terms of the stage of life that you are in. At least - I think I do.

Do you feel better or worse when you are in a relationship with someone?

I'm curious - because you say that you don't have any specific stressors - yet you stated, "I have always suffered from a constant fear of being left of abandoned. I needed to have a man in my life always and the relationships were always tumultuous." That is a stressor for people with BPD.

I don't think I was clear enough with what I meant by stressors. In case I wasn't clear, here is what I mean by a stressor...

Stressor: A specific event, person, place or thing in our external environment - that brings on a specific, and or - a wide range of troubling thoughts, emotions and behaviors. (Creating havoc in our internal environment)

(In this case: You have a stressor around being abandoned - therefore, it brings out troubling thoughts, emotions and behaviors)


I don't speak for everyone - you are your own person - you know yourself better than anyone - but from what you have written in your initial post - of how you relate to Borderline traits - I see clear signs and stressors that can and could cause you to feel those emotions... Which in turn - could help you to identify with your emotions and try to, "decipher," all the intense thoughts, emotions and behaviors you are experiencing.

You pointed out another stressor when you said, "I feel this is the reason I constantly seek out romantic relationships and stay with men who hurt me. I need to fill a void. I always feel lonely."

Another stressor you state is, "I don't know who I am. I rely almost entirely on other people to tell me what to do. I'm constantly changing my look or my career ideas or where I want to live or what I want to do. I don't ever know."

So you have identified three major stressors in your writing - one of which is fear of abandonment, and another in which you feel you need to fill a void through relationships with others, and the third is not knowing who you are.


That is all I meant. You've already identified with these three stressors - they are clearly things you should work on if you have not already done so - and they DO impact the intense thoughts, emotions and behaviors that you experience.

Please bring these things up in therapy if you have not already, I think they will help you with your therapeutic journey.

And if you disagree - please tell me so! I am only trying to plant seeds in your head so that something with pop out and you can use it to better yourself.

Thanks,
HD7970Ghz

[eblam81]

Hello Atomicc, I read your post and can relate to a lot of what you said. It sounds like your PTSD, along with other issues that are "lurking" inside and you are fighting it. I say this because I deal with a lot of the same things you described. The fears of being "left", even when I'm surrounded by family and loved ones and it doesn't make sense. I get angry and anxious quickly when things don't go right. I've tried different meds. but they don't sit well with me, so I've only stayed with my anxiety med. for now. I've dealt with the self-injury issues and I've been through many years of therapy. It's all due to keeping things bottled up and being afraid to release my anger safely, or not feeling like I was "allowed" to vent my anger like everyone else. I've been down the road of feeling like I need to have a man in my life and still there are times when I think (sex) is the only way I can feel love, but I remind myself that this isn't reality, it's my past issues and I have to fight it. I hope you can talk with your therapist about these issues because if you can't, there's no point in therapy. That's what your therapist is there for. I wish you luck!

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

sorry if that sounded creepy. that was not my intention.

Not at all, it made me smile a lot

and HD7970GHZ I appreciate so much the information and insight. I understand where you are coming from. I do see that stressors tend to make my actions even more erratic and intense but I have ALWAYS reacted intensely emotionally and sensitively to situations where it wasn't all that necessary. In any case I talked to my T today and I'm about to write a post on it now. She has diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder.

Originally Posted by atomicc

Not at all, it made me smile a lot .....

Yea!!! I always feel a little better when I can make someone smile (especially if it is a little baby - that melts my heart).

Now KEEP smiling. Cuz you will melt a lot of hearts yourself. I have read a number of your posts. You are clearly a very caring person. You have a lot of good to offer - I hope you *know* that.

[perniciousfirefly]

i hate the label but it has giving me closure to the issues i
d from childhood. always felt "differrent" in a negative way. childline was my best friend, eating disorders were i were under psych team at 14 from loneliness to then codependent partnerships from teenager. with the rapes that nobody new about and i kept going with a few blips before melt down after my son were born, and diagnosed with pnd but hitory and present which ticked all the boxes..
the worst thing for us is text messaging and facebook as we can get misunderstood because of our impulsive nature

[atomicc]

Originally Posted by Useless Me

Yea!!! I always feel a little better when I can make someone smile (especially if it is a little baby - that melts my heart).

Now KEEP smiling. Cuz you will melt a lot of hearts yourself. I have read a number of your posts. You are clearly a very caring person. You have a lot of good to offer - I hope you *know* that.

I really hope I can help others! I've got tons of empathy..which can sometimes be an issue because I get so concerned with making others happy I hurt myself.:/. I'm so happy you think so nicely of me though! I always feel everyone here hates me...but that's my problem everywhere I go !

ahhh the joys of being a nut (talking mainly about myself).....

Sorry to hear you have insecurities that make you believe anyone here dislikes you. From what I have observed - you are one of the most LIKED persons here. Others clearly see your good heart and are drawn to you.

Step back and look at yourself WITHOUT judging and you will see the beauty that pours out of you through the web to each of us.

And on behalf of myself (and probably many others) - THANK YOU.



Too bad we didn't mean back when I was alive

*err MEET.

[atomicc]

Well thank you for having made my day. And you are most definitely alive, my dear. I hope you continue to be for a very long time because I can your beauty as well.

[learningtolive2013]

I think you are a great person in this group.. I feel like we have so much in common and so many years apart.. I know we as BPD can interpret things the wrong way.. heck we can say things the wrong way. The complexity of this disorder is knowing to decipher our own interpretations and reacting to them better even when someone might respond in a way that we perceive as negative.. I think you are a wonderful person just like myself and just like everyone else here.. We are all fighting the same battle and we might not be great at it but we are trying :-)

** Well stated "learningtolive2013). Well said.