[IGotThis]

Situation: sitting in bed Monday night, I just talked to L at dance. She let me only do my dance a few times and be done so we would have extra time to talk. I had her lists of things I promised and things she wanted me to promise that she made in June for me, and I moved all of the things she wanted me to promise into things I have promised... Including "I won't kill myself"... While that did come with another note card of things I want her to promise so I can follow through with that, it was still a huge huge step... I don't make a promise I don't think I can keep... But when I had asked ahead of time for her to let me have that time because I wanted to talk to her, I had also told her that she would be happy about what I had to talk to her about. When she finally read through all the cards, she goes "is this all you wanted to talk about?" as if it were no big deal, and then to my "I didn't want to text that" she said "why not?"... After that, she goes, " I feel like we should have a "go team!" cheer or something," to which I was already upset at her reaction so I just said "yay"... Then when I tried to scoot closer to her because I was starting to get really upset, she got up and got ready to go... I've been waiting for a chance to be able to tell her that that one got switched over for a while, just until I could tell her in person, so for me it's been something that's gotten a lot of thought of whether or not I'm honestly ready to make that promise, and it wasn't just a spur of the moment thing.... But she really didn't react at all...

What I wrote in my journal that was what I wanted to say to L, but was too embarrassed... I don't know if I should tell her this or no...

I don't know what exactly I was expecting, but it was better than this... Better than "is this all you wanted to talk about?".... Better than "why not put it in a text message?".... Better than you cheering too late.... Better than my unenthused "yay" when you already ruined the moment.... Better than me trying to lean on your shoulder and you scooting away.... Better than realizing that things just aren't the same as they were a while back, and better than knowing they can't go back.... Better than "you were right, that made me happy" with the most unenthusiastic expression on your face.... It was just better.... It was you being as proud of me for promising as you were of Ken for standing on her own (but of course, I'm not your daughter... Nothing I do or say will make you as proud of me as you are of her)... It was you not sounding disappointed that you gave up class time for that... It was being able to lean on your shoulder and have you put your arm around me.... It was you saying thank you because I finally promised you the one thing you said would help you relax... It was you saying that's all Nick needed to let me be able to come over again, that he knew and you knew that even if you can't be there immediately, I still will be... It was you agreeing that it's better in person than over text... It was you taking care of me like you used to.... Of course, it's my fault I feel like this... I shouldn't have expected anything...

I'm sorry you didn't get the reactions you wanted from L I can see how upsetting that would be for you! Maybe you could email her that diary entry or an edited version so she would see how it made you feel and how important it was to you!

[Angel of Bedlam]

Oh I can imagine how upset you are! Try and remember people's actions are a reflection of them as a person and do not reflect anything about you as a person. Have you thought that maybe her reaction was more that she didn't know how to react? Maybe shr was very happy but didn't want to be off putting?

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[IGotThis]

I sent it to her slightly edited... We'll see what she says.... There is a possibility that she didn't know how to react, but even when I first told her I was suicidal, she reacted with more than "is that all?"... It's not like her to just not react....

[Angel of Bedlam]

Well until you have all the facts, try noy to judge the situation. When they do all surface, whatever her response, try and remember that it is a reflection of her and not of you. You're a good person and deserve to feel loved and cared for. She may not be giving that to you at this moment, but it doesn't mean that she's not giving you all she has.

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[IGotThis]

I honestly hate thinking a reaction is a reflection of a person.... If that were the case, I am an awful person altogether.... I'm sure she is giving me what she thinks I need, it's just hard when I don't have the words to express why her view of what I need isn't exactly accurate...

[Angel of Bedlam]

Your reactions show that of a person with BPD, not a bad person. Being flawed is what makes us human, you are a beautifully flawed creature who has made poot choices at times... BUT, you have also made SO many good decisons too. Hang in there, this too shall pass.

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[IGotThis]

I guess...

[Angel of Bedlam]

I can only imagine your frustration with the, "I'm giving you an inch but you're taking a mile" battle it seems you're having- my boyfriend lately has been pushing my recovery faster than I can go too. I'm lucky though, once I told him that, he backed off. I hope something like this can happen for you and L.

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[IGotThis]

All I can say is that I do believe she is trying to be here for me to the best of her ability, but between her husband, and my horrendous communication skills, she's a little bit stuck, too... Whenever I tell her she's pushing too much, she feels like she's hardly pushing at all, so we get into the position where neither of us feels appreciated for our efforts.... But I will never say she doesn't try...

[Angel of Bedlam]

So long as you're both willing to stick in this for each other, you can make it through.

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[IGotThis]

I am, and she SAID she is, so hopefully you're right.

[allme]