[alley.cat]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I haven't been officially diagnosed, but just today, my therapist referred me to a psychiatrist in order to get a diagnosis and discuss potential medications. I guess I've always displayed symptoms of BPD, but I had my first major moment a couple of weeks ago, which is what lead me to getting professional help.

I'm sorry if this is really long. I don't have any other support because I'm waitlisted for a psychiatrist. The therapist dismissed how much this is affecting me and said I was just depressed because of my childhood.

So my best friend and I became incredibly close in the past year, talking to each other about anything and everything for hours a day. He started working overseas, so our communications were mostly through Skype. For the past couple of months, it had become a ritual to talk to each other at night over Skype and fall asleep, every other day if not every day. Meanwhile, I had been becoming more and more socially withdrawn to everyone else in my life, while still maintaining this friendship.

Then about two weeks ago, I was having one of the deepest bouts of 'empty' I've ever felt. To add insult to injury, we rarely talked for 5 days, and I had strong suspicions that he was avoiding me. I knew there were some new people in his life he was spending time with, but no details as to why he had been so closed off lately, and incredibly unresponsive. He said he was having a hard time, but then talked to me about happy things that were happening to him. So I was already feeling neglected, and conflicted, when at the end of this 5-day period, he then said he wouldn't be able to talk to me indefinitely because his roommate had moved into his room.

Something in me just lit up when he said this. I was livid. In one second, I went from general sadness to 1000% anger. I actually felt blinded. I was shaking, hard. I don't really remember the next few hours except for bawling in my bed. The next couple of days consisted of almost no sleeping, no eating, panic attacks. It actually hurt to breathe because I was hyperventilating so much. I lashed out and wrote a very nasty email to him. I just couldn't believe that he couldn't take an hour out of his week to talk to his clearly-distressed friend. He responded with calm and made me feel like an idiot/insane for feeling what I felt (simply using logic, not telling me I'm an idiot). I replied back, still somewhat in hysterics, but less accusatory. He didn't make contact with me for days after that.

I sort of felt all those raging, blinding emotions drain away gradually a few days later. I wrote a short email telling him I was sorry, and if we could talk. Everytime I knew he was online but yet didn't reply to me, it killed me inside. Then I finally caught him online for long enough to ask to chat. He agreed. We talked and danced around the issue and both of us I guess were avoiding talking about what had happened. I finally went to address the elephant in the room, and ended up crying for at least half an hour. He was unresponsive. In fact, I think I believe he said that it wouldn't do any good to talk to him about it, which I took to mean that he didn't want to hear about it. He's not great at dealing with emotion and prefers to suppress his own on a daily basis (as mentioned above, he only mentioned positive things when going through a rough time), so I imagine he felt pretty uncomfortable. I took this very poorly, especially as he's been such a great support for other life things... I just really felt the need for him to understand and also let him know how to support me, but I guess I can't force that on him if he doesn't want to offer me support. Or if he can't handle all this. His internet cut out, or at least that's what he said, but I have reasons to believe he simply left the conversation. Panic and worthlessness again.

I feel so so so disappointed. I feel like he's been avoiding me since then. I had told him about my fear during the conversation, that he would start avoiding me because he would associate me with these negative emotions, and I think my suspicions were right. He mysteriously goes offline everytime I go online on any medium. It tears me apart whenever that happens, and at times, triggers a panic attack. He used to greet me at any chance he got before this blow-up. I don't know what to do. I'm so angry and so disappointed when I think that he's avoiding me when I need him most. I didn't think he was a good-times-only friend; he always managed to cheer me up no matter what crap I was going through. I know it isn't his job to do that, but for some reason, I (illogically?) expect it of him. I hate this.

I feel like I changed something in our relationship irreparably, and I don't know how to cope with this loss. I can't stand this. I can't stand the thought, I can't stand this cycle of panic and crying and lost sleep and not eating and having to deal with college on top of it all. I feel so overwhelmed and so alone.

I was hoping to get some support, sympathy, and perspective here. Thank you for reading that novel of a post.

[technigal]

first off, welcome to the group. I was diagnosed just over a month ago when I was in the hospital from an OD although it was suspected 7 years ago. What I suggest is reading all you can - right now my brain is fuzzy but I can understand the Dummies book. I also suggest you look into the DBT workbook. I borrowed both from the library before buying my own copies.

I am sorry your are having such an issue with your friend. As you probably know by now that abandonment is a huge trigger for BPDs.

[junkDNA]

im having a similar issue . my best friend started dating her old boyfriend again and now i've seen her once in 4 weeks. she totally ignores me now and is consumed with her boyfriend. they are co-dependent and he is moving in with her. i feel it is not my place to say it is a bad idea, and she would just get mad anyway. i feel she is messing up her and his life. if he moves in with her he will be out of the program we are in. so if they break up he will have to go back to his home state to live in his parents basement again. she seems to not think it will happen, them breaking up, and is being selfish by letting him move in when he will have no where else to go but back home when it inevitably will be over. im mad at her for totally blowing me off to be with her boyfriend. i dont even want to see her anymore. i thought she was a good friend but i guess not. now i only have 1 friend that i hang out with. and he lives 45 min away. it sucks but im trying to make new friends at school. making new friends is hard but u have to try. otherwise its just too lonely.

Believe me hun, I understand all of the feelings you describe going through in this situation. I've been there.
Sometimes even the people who are supposed to "get it" don't, can't, or simply won't.
I think it's a good sign that he replied with calm instead of flipping out, or never speaking to you again.
You're seaking help now, and any true friend will understand. You may lose some friends in the process, but you'll learn who your real friends are.

[Fuzzybear]

[alley.cat]

Thank you, everyone. I feel so awful every day we don't talk. I know I'm going to have to be the one to initiate contact. I just don't know what to say. I'm so afraid to come off as needy. I just need to know he still cares. A simple "how are you?" or a picture of a puppy or something, nothing grand. Is it that much to ask? Is that being needy? Would it be weird if I flat-out asked if he was avoiding me? Would that just scare him away even more?