[pastoral-poeta]

I am back again after a year of hiatus. Yesterday I thought about ending my life. I cannot deal the pain of being rejected, the self-loathing, the feeling of inadequacy. The more I try to make things right, the worse things get. I am close to ending another relationship because I can't take criticism. I don't want to go home because of the negativity and I feel like there is no place to go where I won't be depressed. I look at emaciated face in the mirror every morning and try to bring a smile to my face. I try to think of something positive to say, and try to work up the energy to do something productive. I look for jobs everyday, and sometimes I think if I go the end of the earth I will feel better there. But I know I can't walk away from this pain and confusion just like that. I have tripled my medication to numb myself but I start crying every time I think about having to break this relationship again. If anybody remembers the first time I posted, in January, I talked about the worst breakdown of my life. I don't want to have to go through that again. I feel like I can't talk to anybody and if I have to make a decision by myself it will have to be the most painful one - to leave. But where to? Where do I go where I am not haunted by the ghosts of the past, by the self-loathing, the cynicism. I am tired and I don't know what to do.

Are you currently in any sort of therapy? This is the kind of thing that talking it over with a T may be really helpful.
Try and make a list of pros and cons, and see which list comes out longer. That's some times helped give me prospective before desiding whether or not to end a relationship.
I don't think you really need me to tell you how bad self medicating is, but I think it bares repeating. and I say that as someone who tried coping with substances for almost two years. It ruined more than it helped me in the long run.
Dealing with my overwhelming emotions is a daily struggle, I had a mini melt down today in fact. but it's actually far easier without the substances. They only are only a tempary solution to the problem.
Here if you need a friend, best of luck.

[gayleggg]

Welcome back. I'm sorry it is because of such sad circumstances. You are right to leave a relationship if it is mentally abusive. You will be okay. Hold on to the end of your rope. Glad you came back here so we can support you through this bad time. No realtionship is worth ending your life over. Keep hunting and you will find that job you need. Keep posting and let us support youl.