*May Trigger*

I feel trapped sometimes, like my life is a living nightmare from which there is no escape. My partner is great 99.9% of the time, but that 1%.. when he does stuff like put me in a sleeper hold (just to calm me down without hurting me, he says) is more than I can tolerate. I recognize that the BPD doesn’t make me the easiest person to deal with, but I am never physically violent towards anyone. I also recognize that my partner comes from a background of various forms of horrific child abuse, but I still find myself wanting out more and more.
My partner helped me get my life together. Turn things around from being an unstable drug addict who would have lost my daughter in the system if it weren’t for my family, to a sober college student with a 4.0 GPA and responsible stay at home mom.
But I’m absolutely miserable. I’m not at all tempted to return to my old lifestyle of substance abuse no matter what, the thought sickens me. Yet I don’t know how to cope. I am just hoping upon hope that going back to therapy will help me stop wanting to sleep 18 hours a day and be in more control of my emotions.
I can’t say I care either way if getting help saves our relationship, though I should because he tells me if I ever left him he would go after me with full force using the court to gain custody of our 6 ½ month old. He tells me I won’t be able to handle being a single mom of two, that he’s sure I’d crack under the pressure and start using again, if not worse. That he’d use my issues (Both past and present) against me in court and I’d never see my baby again. He has even said he’d force my ex-husband to get sober so that he could help him take away my oldest child too.
My kids mean the world to me, and the longer I stay sober the stronger I am in my resolve that no one will ever take them away from me. So I guess I’m stuck for now. I hope that professional help turns things around, cuz I’m nearly as miserable sober as I was when I was using. Sometimes I’m reminded why I fell for him, his amazing side shines through and everything is ok. But other times I don’t even wanna look at him.
-End Vent-
Sorry twas so long. If you’re still reading, thank you. Just needed to get that off my chest.

[Maranara]

I don't really know what to say other than between my husband, my job, and my endless struggles with friendships and relationships, I often feel trapped too, and trapped is a very dangerous feeling for me because my impulsiveness kicks and and I feel like I'm willing to do anything to stop it.

You need to think things through when you don't feel trapped and decide what to do and try to stick with it. The "sticking with" is the hard part, I know this very well, but what else can we really do? Hang in there and allow us to support you as well as we can.

Thank you, just being able to vent and know you guys are here helps more than you know.
I know I'm going to need to re-evaluate the situation soon, and make a choice.. ug.

[lynn808]

Feeling trapped is a horrible feeling. I fight every day. Please know that you are not alone and that many people here know and care. I feel better just knowing there are others out there like me. I felt so alone for years not understanding what was going on. Just having a correct diagnosis helped me. Its not the solution, but it helps to know you are not alone. Seeing all these other people care helps so much...Thanks to all of you who read and to those who respond!

[Fuzzybear]

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

*May Trigger*

I feel trapped sometimes, like my life is a living nightmare from which there is no escape. My partner is great 99.9% of the time, but that 1%.. when he does stuff like put me in a sleeper hold (just to calm me down without hurting me, he says) is more than I can tolerate. I recognize that the BPD doesn’t make me the easiest person to deal with, but I am never physically violent towards anyone. I also recognize that my partner comes from a background of various forms of horrific child abuse, but I still find myself wanting out more and more.
My partner helped me get my life together. Turn things around from being an unstable drug addict who would have lost my daughter in the system if it weren’t for my family, to a sober college student with a 4.0 GPA and responsible stay at home mom.
But I’m absolutely miserable. I’m not at all tempted to return to my old lifestyle of substance abuse no matter what, the thought sickens me. Yet I don’t know how to cope. I am just hoping upon hope that going back to therapy will help me stop wanting to sleep 18 hours a day and be in more control of my emotions.
I can’t say I care either way if getting help saves our relationship, though I should because he tells me if I ever left him he would go after me with full force using the court to gain custody of our 6 ½ month old. He tells me I won’t be able to handle being a single mom of two, that he’s sure I’d crack under the pressure and start using again, if not worse. That he’d use my issues (Both past and present) against me in court and I’d never see my baby again. He has even said he’d force my ex-husband to get sober so that he could help him take away my oldest child too.
My kids mean the world to me, and the longer I stay sober the stronger I am in my resolve that no one will ever take them away from me. So I guess I’m stuck for now. I hope that professional help turns things around, cuz I’m nearly as miserable sober as I was when I was using. Sometimes I’m reminded why I fell for him, his amazing side shines through and everything is ok. But other times I don’t even wanna look at him.
-End Vent-
Sorry twas so long. If you’re still reading, thank you. Just needed to get that off my chest.

I'm sorry you lost that loving feeling. I hope you can get it back. I wish you the best!!!

Thanks for the support guys, it means the world. Especially lately when I've been so depressed.
@Fuzzy Where did your reply go? If it was a picture its too small for me to see with my poor eyesite lol.

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

Thanks for the support guys, it means the world. Especially lately when I've been so depressed.
@Fuzzy Where did your reply go? If it was a picture its too small for me to see with my poor eyesite lol.

Fuzzy sent you hearts

Originally Posted by Truth in Ruin

Fuzzy sent you hearts

Thank you truth.
Fuzzy how nice of you.
See I can type faces and imodicons, but I can't really see them lol.