*note* may be long so please bear with me. I don't think this should be triggering, but I am putting the trigger icon on it just in case.

Ok so when I posted my "overwhelmed" thread last night I was overcome with very ambiguous cluster____ of emotions related to a girl I like. I came to realize that it all came down to one thing. She expressed the fact that she finds me attractive and frankly, I don't know how to deal with that. Really? Yeah I have no idea how to handle it when a woman I'm attracted to actually reciprocates the same attraction. We're not even talking about anything more than simple attraction at this point.

It's so strange. I've been doing pretty well, up to this point, for the most part and with only minimal freakouts or crises. I've always known the biggest trigger for me is the opposite sex with regards to romance, and all the things that go with that. But this, was a shock because it was so extreme and out of nowhere that it caught me completely off guard. I got home and I had some pics of my friend on my computer still open and that triggered it all. Quite literally I was in tears I was so emotional and while i'm not above crying at times, I'm also not a person that does this easily either. So that kind of underscores the extremeness of the situation. god I wish I could have normal reactions to things but oh well, it is what I am, an emotional nitwit.

So I got to talking about this with my good friend on fb. he tried and he understands, even experiences some of the things I have mentioned but even though he was unsuccessful in calming me down (ended up taking something to calm down) he did help me to realize some things. I thought about it and I know now where this comes from and why I have a hard time with this.

I grew up in the shadow. The shadow of my older brother. My only brother, i wish I could seriously say "former" brother but we all know that doesn't happen in reality. As of last night I realized something about him. He was a bully. I never thought that I was ever really a victim of bullying at all. It just never clicked that this was true about my childhood but now that I think about it, it is indeed the case. I'm not pondering this to remain stuck in the mud of my past but to get beyond it and move on. So please understand this is not a plea for pity, or anything, just my getting thoughts out and perhaps helping other people to realize things about themselves too.

I never look in the mirror at myself. Granted, I don't "logically" think that I'm particularly unattractive. That is on an intellectual level. Some people even say that I am good looking, handsome or what have you. But on some level, down inside I truly feel "ugly". I know this is probably not something you'll typically hear from a man. Most men either don't care or hide the fact that they actually even consider these things, but I figure I'm among friends here and I have no shame among you So as I said, on some level I do feel ugly, weird, freakish and odd. Like an outcast in society, I never feel like I am part of the "real" crowd, but like a sore thumb in the midst of a bunch of relatively normal people. I lack enough in this area of self that when a couple of males on raptr attacked / trolled me and pointed out they thought I was weird looking or ugly (yeah I know it shouldn't matter and I know it only reflects back on them) it devastated me for awhile. not that I want to be attractive to males but those insults cut me deep. Always. I wish they didn't.

So where did this come from? Let me get back to my brother. First, let me frame why he was so important to me or lifted so high in my mind. My "wonderful" family was a classic example of dysfunctional dynamics. We had all the roles, the scape goat, etc.. (which much of the time was me). Well my brother was quite literally, the god of the family. I don't know the official term but he was very much idolized and could do no wrong. Parents and other siblings alike had him on a pedestal my whole childhood. God knows they probably still do. So as the youngest and "lesser" of the rest, I was trained to follow suit and learned that he must be the epitome of perfection because my family thought so.

Well even though my family lifted him up as if he was God himself, the reality, once again was he was a bully. I know it wasn't just me but I got the brunt of it being the younger brother. For all of my childhood, probably 16+ years of it, I was mocked, ridiculed and bullied by him in front of family and even more so, his clique. I can hardly remember being called by name from him as he had a very large list of "alternative" names for me, all related to my physical appearance and size (I'm very small framed) Squinty, toothpick, toothy, slant eye or a slew of others. The fact that it was ingrained in me that I was an odd looking, half Japanese freak of nature is what has followed me. Even though i don't actively think about such things, or literally think I am "squinty eyed" or something, it's there in the background.

Like a demon hiding in the shadows but always there, the foreboding presence of it.. the oppressive influence it has on my self image is debilatating. As I pondered these things I realized, I've never come to terms with the idea that my brother affected me so profoundly.

As of yet, I'm not sure what to do with it, but at least I have my starting point.

[gayleggg]

Have you thought about getting counseling concerning your brother bullying you? Might help you get to the heart of your issues. I'm sorry you had it so tough as the result of a family member. That really sucks.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Have you thought about getting counseling concerning your brother bullying you? Might help you get to the heart of your issues. I'm sorry you had it so tough as the result of a family member. That really sucks.

Actually no, because I've had Therapy. I've talked to more than I care to admit and not a single one has helped in a significant way. I have my reasons to be against therapy for myself. But I wont' post it here, you can pm if you're curious

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Have you thought about getting counseling concerning your brother bullying you? Might help you get to the heart of your issues. I'm sorry you had it so tough as the result of a family member. That really sucks.

Also I know the heart of my issues. it's that when you're young, you're impressionable. When you're young things that happen, that affect you in a way that builds or breaks down the self, sticks with you for the rest of your life or at least potentially it can.

I need to find a way to separate that child inside of me from the adult that knows better than to believe these things. Problem is that it's subconscious so it soemthing that has to come to my conscious level, to battle it, which I think in some way, I am doing by posting this.

Thank you for posting your comforting words, I appreciate it.

[Big Mama]

Hey. I have been working on reversing hte affects of negatives forces in one's view point and it is a brain exercise that reverses the bad things that have happened. IT is a difficult mental process but it does work. I would be more then happy to share that with you if you would like. No need for T. It is something you can do on your own. It is what a T might recommend anyway.

Things like that do leave a life long impact on our brain development unless we do something to switch it. Give me a holler if you want to know more.

Bully sucks and does have a huge impact no matter what age you are/ were when it happens. I am sorry this happened to you. Good luck with this my friend.

[gayleggg]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Also I know the heart of my issues. it's that when you're young, you're impressionable. When you're young things that happen, that affect you in a way that builds or breaks down the self, sticks with you for the rest of your life or at least potentially it can.

I need to find a way to separate that child inside of me from the adult that knows better than to believe these things. Problem is that it's subconscious so it soemthing that has to come to my conscious level, to battle it, which I think in some way, I am doing by posting this.

Thank you for posting your comforting words, I appreciate it.

Sounds like you have a good grasp on what's going on with you. It is hard to leave behind abuse we have as a child. It forms life long effects. Writing about it certainly helps to bring it out and this is a great place to do that. Good luck on your quest for release from the past.

[lynn808]

S4,
I can certainly relate to the bullying...I had 2 older sisters who bullied me and my younger sister. I had to become lil sis' protector, but it did not help me to cope. My abusive parents only loved the youngest child...so I was always the odd girl out....It was not fun, and I think I too never got over being in the shadows. I try every day to like myself and often succeed, not every day, but I try. Hoping one day to like me. Take care now.