It's hard to know if...

I recognise I'm in the very early stages of my BPD discovery (about a month or so) and at the moment I am finding it hard to know if it is better for me to know or if I was better before I knew; at least at this moment.

I realise that in the long run, once I adjust and acclimatise to this I will be able to better understand myself and maintain better relationship for myself and the people around me.

It is just before this I was always so sure of my self in some ways,

I've never really had a strong sense of identity and it does constantly shift and waver, dragging myself and loved ones down with me and then up and then down, but throughout this I always believed in myself in some way that no matter how erratic my behaviour was, this is the right way to do things.

Now it is as though I can barely move, think or function without questioning myself. Before i always had conviction in my actions and thoughts but now I've got 26 years of baggage and feelings to rethink, not to mention my future (something I've always somehow convinced myself I would never really have).

Just so exposed and overwhelmed right now, would be great to here some feedback.

Just a thought....we have a tendancy of looking at everything black and white, it's good or not, I'm good or bad, etc.

Write a list...actually two lists. Things that you are naturally good at and other things that need help and should be questioned. Focus on emotions/feelings, but it doesn't have to be exclusive to that. ANYTHING that you're good at, know, etc, would also work. For example, for me, good things would include I'm very empathetic, people like to talk to me and come to me with their problems, I listen well, I am very book smart, I know how to teach people things, and I write well. Things that need improvement would be I jump to conclusions quickly, I misinterpret people's feelings, I am quick to anger or in my emotions changing, I am very impulsive particularly when I get upset, I feel guilty about pretty much everything, and I tend to have a poor self-image (we all do).

Now I have a list. Focus on the good stuff and slowly work on the others. It's not going to happen overnight. To be totally honest, you'll probably be working on the "improvement" list the rest of your life as I will, but maybe, over time, the items in that list will show a bit of improvement and a few may switch sides here and there.

Thank you for reading and responding.

I will definitely follow the advice you suggested (have always found something therapeutic about making a list).

It is actually quite scary how many of the things you have listed about yourself, that directly apply to me, a good place to start there I guess.

Sounds like good advice for many of us...I can take some cues from that too.. Am list oriented...haha...Thanks!

Niiiice! I like it.

In the case of BPD, ignorance is not bliss. I understand the second guessing about your disorder and how scary it can feel. No matter how different the ups and downs, the pattern of BPD is the same. Stepping out of this pattern (no matter how miserable the pattern itself) can be uncomfortable. I think it's normal to have these kinds of feelings.

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LOL...that's just basic borderline stuff that I guess we all have issues with, but it's nice to know we're not alone.

I need to add that to mine...I'm extremely good at thinking out of the box and brainstorming ideas!

I can relate to what you are feeling.. Can I share my recent experience..

I feel like I have had the symptoms of BPD all my life, even as a child. I am now 36. All this time I thought I was just screwed up with anxiety and depression and a disgusting amount of insecurity and low self esteem to the point of embarrassment. I happened upon BPD information while studying for an assignment about personality theories.. I was really struggling with failed relationships and had withdrawn from my family and I felt empty and isolated ALL the time (I thought I was just having a permanent existential crisis..)

So I clicked on the page.. and when I read the 9 symptom areas I burst into tears and had a panic attack..

Dear god I thought all this time I must just be cursed with hypersensitivity and perhaps that makes me a good candidate for spiritual enlightenment or some plan the universe has for me.. I ALWAYS knew I was different in a unique way but now I found out its just a disorder!

I did every test available on the net and scored rather high. I took myself off to my doctor and asked if she could let me off the train cause I am not living like this anymore.. She said she would like to refer me to explore BPD and Bipolar..
Since then I can apply reason as to why I am experiencing my emotions but it doesn't change them, I havnt started DBT yet and hope to in the new year (pickings are slim in a country town)

It is true, I only see black and white.. Don't worry too much about what you are feeling about your new discovery.. I found my depression has increased in the last month but I am trying not to read into that too much.. Just take each day as it comes.. It is a relief to know there is a reason for all this madness and not just that I am a sh#tty person..

(now I feel guilty for just talking about myself all the time..normally I would delete my post because of that feeling, but now I understand the guilt is part of it and I should just post anyway.. and now I am second guessing if that is even right.. hmmm) I don't know anymore! /ahaha!

Hey Maranara yeah lol, still adjusting to this scary discovery that my strange way of thinking is shared by so many other people

Adventurine the last part made me chuckle, I second guess every post I've made so far lol, thinking I'll delete it, or someones gonna read and think I'm ridiculous and not respond :/.

Read through your experience and it seems like it would have been better for you to realise sooner, I guess I see that too in myself, so many disasters in my life (SO MANY) could have been averted had I have just understood that I was a bit off centre in my emotional processes.

I hope you get DBT, seen a lot of material and it seems like such a great thing.