[duende]

.......yes. Hey guys..

I'm not going to edit any of this. I have like no one to really talk with about this. The thing is, I'm losing all hope and starting to have..not so good thoughts. No one seems to take this seriously. What's it going to take? But here's where I am right now.The main thing...or the biggest thing that's been hurting me for quite a while now, is not having a girlfriend. I'm sure I sound about as ridiculous as some Tumblr meme, but whatever, this is how I feel. Alone. Hopeless. Beyond hurting.

I have no one to wake up in the morning with. No one to hold my hand. And BPD does not make dealing with this particularly easy. It seriously hurts physically on the inside. I have a knot in my solar plexus, a sore sinking feeling around my heart, and a lump in my throat. And I just don't know if I can take this any more...

I was standing in line at the grocery store. Being as it was 7:30 at night, it was ridiculously crowded. In front of me, literally like inches in front of me, is this couple..20s, holding hands and talking sweet to one another. I was seriously...ugh..shaking on the inside and feeling like I just wanted to be completely gone. It effing hurts being in this situation.

Is there any hope? What do I do? Sorry to ask something that probably can't be answered here on a forum. But I have no where to turn anymore. No one takes me seriously..and I'm feeling. so. hopeless. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't get it. It's not like I'm ugly. And I experience such rich intense beauty on the inside. I need to be writing my music and expressing myself. I have NO ONE to write it for. No one to give all my love to. I have no hope...

Sorry guys. Obviously I have the wherewithal to post up here at the moment. Any advice? Patient, non-judgmental words of encouragement? Thanks..seriously.

[Aventurine]

Originally Posted by duende

........

Is there any hope? What do I do? Sorry to ask something that probably can't be answered here on a forum. But I have no where to turn anymore. No one takes me seriously..and I'm feeling. so. hopeless. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't get it. It's not like I'm ugly. And I experience such rich intense beauty on the inside. I need to be writing my music and expressing myself. I have NO ONE to write it for. No one to give all my love to. I have no hope...

Sorry guys. Obviously I have the wherewithal to post up here at the moment. Any advice? Patient, non-judgmental words of encouragement? Thanks..seriously.

Hi sorry you feel this way.. I think this from time to time when another dating expedition goes belly up.. I just want to find my own kind.

I know its hard to see loved up couples, I have been on and off relationships the last few years and I still see happy couples and wonder if I am missing some kind of formula.. I am not.. I guess with BPD the market narrows somewhat..
There is hope, I know it sound cliché, but its true.. Learn to love you a little more, enjoy you, be kind to you, Youre musical, so youre talented, you said youre not ugly.. That's two positives right there.. I am certain there are others.
Sorry I don't have anything else to say.. only that I understand how it hurts.

[duende]

Originally Posted by Aventurine

Hi sorry you feel this way.. I think this from time to time when another dating expedition goes belly up.. I just want to find my own kind.

I know its hard to see loved up couples, I have been on and off relationships the last few years and I still see happy couples and wonder if I am missing some kind of formula.. I am not.. I guess with BPD the market narrows somewhat..
There is hope, I know it sound cliché, but its true.. Learn to love you a little more, enjoy you, be kind to you, Youre musical, so youre talented, you said youre not ugly.. That's two positives right there.. I am certain there are others.
Sorry I don't have anything else to say.. only that I understand how it hurts.

Thanks for reading and for taking that time to reply to me. I'm sorry I'm unable to say more. But wanted to let you know I read everything and I'm sorry you've ever been through this. I don't wish this on anyone. It really is hell.
Anyway thanks you for your words and thoughts. They are appreciated.

[duende]

I never meant to be one of "those posters"..you know, that just asks for help. Honestly, my whole life I was discouraged from asking for help from anyone. It was seen as "weak". So, it's still a hard thing for me to do. And when I start to do it, I'm aware of this bottomless pit or quicksand feeling. I'm so sorry for that :/ I've read a few posts talking about this kind of person and I'm afraid I've been just that way recently.

I admit I get super paranoid when I see the number of views on my thread and then see little to no responses. It makes me really feel insignificant or just unwanted. I have a hard time dealing with perceived aloofness or indifference. I'd actually rather be hated. At least that's a strong response. I know..not rational. I promise it's something I'm working on. Sorry if I ever disappointed anyone. I've been having a really hard time coping with being alone, not having a partner. It just sucks. In the moment, I've seriously wondered what I was even doing. It's a really desperate and hopeless feeling.

I'm sure you can relate in some way, yes? I know I'm not alone in dealing with this. I never meant to give off that impression either. I've bothered to post here because I trust that we're all facing this. I truly appreciate this fact. No one else in my life even REMOTELY understands. That includes my brother and sister, as much as I love them. It's just that I've had a hard time coping lately. Just for the same reason I've had a hard time asking for help, I've also had a hard time showing how much I care. That was just as vulnerable, growing up. Anyway, I promise there's more to me than just this mess. I promise. I hope you know, there's plenty of love and caring in here.

Anyway, I'm safe at home. I'm coping a bit better at the moment. I'll see how I'm feeling in the morning. I wish everyone a happy day tomorrow. Hugs. Thanks for putting up with me. Or, I should say, are you okay with me?

[lynn808]

Please know that you are not alone. We all suffer the ups and downs of being alone or wanting to be alone. I can relate to people viewing and not responding. I like to think that maybe they are thinking about what you said, and are not sure what to say. It took me years to find a person who even tries to understand my complex behaviors and emotions. I pray that you will find a friend who will be there for you...Take care.

[duende]

Thanks for reading. I have a lot I need to get done today. But it's like I become this complete different person..idk. So far today I'm coping. I hope...hope this carries on into tonight. It seems like that desperate feeling comes at night when I'm out. And I know I'm far from alone in feeling this way with the holidays.

Thanks Lynn for replying and acknowledging my thing about the no-response. I totally set myself up for that sometimes. It's almost like I am in a temporary state of dissociation watching myself go through that. Sorry. Hm. I know I'll never be able to wait years for someone to show up in my life. I just can't let that be the case. But I'll take care of that...I better :/

Okay. that's all I will say in that direction. Mostly just wanted to say thank you for reading and replying.

[duende]

So yeah, one of these days if I pull through this ridiculous mess, I'll have more positive stuff to share here. For what it's worth, please take it as a sign of trust that I'm sharing this stuff here. I know I'm in good company. It's just I'm at a point where I'm realizing that no one outside of the forums, aside from my therapist, is really there to fully listen. No one else can really quite understand the intensity and I can't blame them. I wouldn't wish this on anyone..perhaps my worst enemy

Most importantly, I wish you all a happy rest of the day. I seriously have so much I need to get done. And tonight I'll get back on my personal project. Take good care. Happy thoughts...

[Fuzzybear]

[HealingNSuffering]

Ugh I know that feeling all to well... I also stopped writing music after a bad breakup, just now getting back into it, single, and I must admit, I don't have half the motivation I used to when I was in love... I have no advice this time, I just hope you feel better soon, and you are not alone, I can totally relate.

[technigal]

I am sorry you are having a rough time. I remember being single and crying when seeing a couple together. One year I had 20 wedding invitations and I did not go to a single wedding, I stayed home and cried instead.

Being in a relationship is hard, not being in a relationship is hard, we are damned either way.



PS I would have responded earlier but I just got home.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by duende

.......yes. Hey guys..

I'm not going to edit any of this. I have like no one to really talk with about this. The thing is, I'm losing all hope and starting to have..not so good thoughts. No one seems to take this seriously. What's it going to take? But here's where I am right now.The main thing...or the biggest thing that's been hurting me for quite a while now, is not having a girlfriend. I'm sure I sound about as ridiculous as some Tumblr meme, but whatever, this is how I feel. Alone. Hopeless. Beyond hurting.

I have no one to wake up in the morning with. No one to hold my hand. And BPD does not make dealing with this particularly easy. It seriously hurts physically on the inside. I have a knot in my solar plexus, a sore sinking feeling around my heart, and a lump in my throat. And I just don't know if I can take this any more...

I was standing in line at the grocery store. Being as it was 7:30 at night, it was ridiculously crowded. In front of me, literally like inches in front of me, is this couple..20s, holding hands and talking sweet to one another. I was seriously...ugh..shaking on the inside and feeling like I just wanted to be completely gone. It effing hurts being in this situation.

Is there any hope? What do I do? Sorry to ask something that probably can't be answered here on a forum. But I have no where to turn anymore. No one takes me seriously..and I'm feeling. so. hopeless. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't get it. It's not like I'm ugly. And I experience such rich intense beauty on the inside. I need to be writing my music and expressing myself. I have NO ONE to write it for. No one to give all my love to. I have no hope...

Sorry guys. Obviously I have the wherewithal to post up here at the moment. Any advice? Patient, non-judgmental words of encouragement? Thanks..seriously.

I remember feeling like this. Even the thing about seeing the happy couples ahead of you at the store? That was me. I got to the point where I immediately hated couples because I was so angry about being alone.

My advice? Try and distract yourself from your loneliness. Get involved in music again, volunteer somewhere, take on a project. Do ANYTHING to remind yourself that your purpose can be fulfilled by yourself and yourself alone. Maybe since music is a passion, see of any bars in your area offer a song writer's night where you could perform something you wrote.

As for feeling lonely at night, buy a body pillow to snuggle with. Get a cat. Pets can be super therapeutic. As hard as it is, try focusing on how you can be whole on your own and not how hard it feels being there. The best things happen when you're not looking for them; I think if you find a way to fill your time and distract yourself from the loneliness you feel that you'll have something wonderful fall in your lap.

I know this isn't easy though, I'm here for you if you need.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[lynn808]

I just rescued a 15 month old lab girl. she is keeping me busy...... It really does help to sometimes not think too much...hope y'all have a nice evening. Take care.

[duende]

I'm so incredibly thankful to have gotten your hugs, compassion and helpful advice. god i don't know what I'd do without you guys. It's really hard to live like this. I'm coping today, so far. I'll see how I feel with nightfall lol. No..I'll keep myself under control.

Fuzzybear, your hugs really always lift me. I can always feel them coming from you.

Lynn808, thanks for reminding me I'm not alone. Every reminder means so much.

Healingnsuffering, wow. I'm so sorry you've experienced the whole writer's block thing after your breakup. It just hurts you know, so much it's painful inside..not having a love in your life to make something of yours for. I feel such an intense longing. I'm sure you can totally relate to all of this, and I'm so so sorry. Thanks for sharing this.

And Technigal, the thing about getting 20 wedding invitations. ugh. that almost makes me cry. So sorry. I agree that being in a relationship can be hard. At this point I'd rather have the hardship that comes with a relationship than NOT. This is just way way too painful lol. But..I'm coping at the moment.

Thank you all so much. It really helps to hear from you! Happy thoughts to you all..

[duende]

Originally Posted by Angel of Bedlam

I remember feeling like this. Even the thing about seeing the happy couples ahead of you at the store? That was me. I got to the point where I immediately hated couples because I was so angry about being alone.

My advice? Try and distract yourself from your loneliness. Get involved in music again, volunteer somewhere, take on a project. Do ANYTHING to remind yourself that your purpose can be fulfilled by yourself and yourself alone. Maybe since music is a passion, see of any bars in your area offer a song writer's night where you could perform something you wrote.

As for feeling lonely at night, buy a body pillow to snuggle with. Get a cat. Pets can be super therapeutic. As hard as it is, try focusing on how you can be whole on your own and not how hard it feels being there. The best things happen when you're not looking for them; I think if you find a way to fill your time and distract yourself from the loneliness you feel that you'll have something wonderful fall in your lap.

I know this isn't easy though, I'm here for you if you need.

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

Hey Angelof Bedlam, thanks so much for taking a good moment to reply. I really appreciate all of this. The pillow thing? That's a good idea. Don't laugh...but I actually always sleep with 3 plush animals in my bed..at least especially since my last breakup 4 1/2 months ago. And animals? Yeah, I've seriously considered adopting a cat. I lost my last kitty to old age a year ago. I absolutely love cats. My only concern is that I'm not in a relationship and NOT being in a relationship brings out the most difficult moods in me. I don't want any poor cat to be living with my difficult moods, not when it could be with someone nice and stable, grounded. Hmm. On the other hand, many of them are on death row, so...idk.

And music? Yeah, I used to play synth in a band and sometimes we played bars. At this point, I'd rather just do individual music stuff on my own. Actually started a project a few days ago. But yeah, it's all a good thought. Seriously thank you for all of this advice and feedback.

[duende]

Thank you all. I mean..it's not like I've completely had like no possibilities. I'm almost afraid to jinx it if I mention it on here, but..whatever. I did meet a girl the other day who seemed to really click with me. I've seen her twice, and she does give me this ridiculous grin. I'm really scared of messing it up and coming off too depressed or desperate. But I really want to ask her out. The problem is that I only see her at where she works and I'm so afraid that's a bit creepy/awkward. But...she has remembered my name. She went out of her way to talk with me when she could've easily just been "busy". And as I was leaving (with this stupid grin on my face) she made an effort to say my name as she was saying bye. I really want to ask her out. I probably will just need to do it..

[Dionysius]

Originally Posted by duende

.......yes. Hey guys..

I'm not going to edit any of this. I have like no one to really talk with about this. The thing is, I'm losing all hope and starting to have..not so good thoughts. No one seems to take this seriously. What's it going to take? But here's where I am right now.The main thing...or the biggest thing that's been hurting me for quite a while now, is not having a girlfriend. I'm sure I sound about as ridiculous as some Tumblr meme, but whatever, this is how I feel. Alone. Hopeless. Beyond hurting.

I have no one to wake up in the morning with. No one to hold my hand. And BPD does not make dealing with this particularly easy. It seriously hurts physically on the inside. I have a knot in my solar plexus, a sore sinking feeling around my heart, and a lump in my throat. And I just don't know if I can take this any more...

I was standing in line at the grocery store. Being as it was 7:30 at night, it was ridiculously crowded. In front of me, literally like inches in front of me, is this couple..20s, holding hands and talking sweet to one another. I was seriously...ugh..shaking on the inside and feeling like I just wanted to be completely gone. It effing hurts being in this situation.

Is there any hope? What do I do? Sorry to ask something that probably can't be answered here on a forum. But I have no where to turn anymore. No one takes me seriously..and I'm feeling. so. hopeless. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don't get it. It's not like I'm ugly. And I experience such rich intense beauty on the inside. I need to be writing my music and expressing myself. I have NO ONE to write it for. No one to give all my love to. I have no hope...

Sorry guys. Obviously I have the wherewithal to post up here at the moment. Any advice? Patient, non-judgmental words of encouragement? Thanks..seriously.

Never lose hope, I, at the age of 51 got with a woman much younger than myself, my point being that sometimes when you least expect it, you find someone. We were together for five years, a record for me, and I felt part of something good. I also knew that nothing is permanent and when we split up I was devastated. But it was definitely worth the "heartbreak". Feeling like you do is horrible, but try to concentrate on your plus points,(at least you`re not 62 yrs old and past it, like me, lol). I know it is difficult to help people with depression and nothing anyone says really helps, but as I said before, never lose hope nor give up. Take care and good luck, Dionysius.

[1776]

If it's any consolation, you get used to being alone. I'm a recluse. I've been alone since '97.

It gets easier as time goes by.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by duende

I really want to ask her out. I probably will just need to do it..

To quote Nike "Just do it". And I do know how hard that is. I asked my husband on our first date. It worked out for us.

[joeyalias]

Go for it

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by duende

Hey Angelof Bedlam, thanks so much for taking a good moment to reply. I really appreciate all of this. The pillow thing? That's a good idea. Don't laugh...but I actually always sleep with 3 plush animals in my bed..at least especially since my last breakup 4 1/2 months ago. And animals? Yeah, I've seriously considered adopting a cat. I lost my last kitty to old age a year ago. I absolutely love cats. My only concern is that I'm not in a relationship and NOT being in a relationship brings out the most difficult moods in me. I don't want any poor cat to be living with my difficult moods, not when it could be with someone nice and stable, grounded. Hmm. On the other hand, many of them are on death row, so...idk.

And music? Yeah, I used to play synth in a band and sometimes we played bars. At this point, I'd rather just do individual music stuff on my own. Actually started a project a few days ago. But yeah, it's all a good thought. Seriously thank you for all of this advice and feedback.

Well the worst thing to do would be to mask your feelings with meaningless one night stands. Been there, done that- doesn't work. I don't want to see you shift from working on yourself to you searching for validation from others. Even if you're single, you still possess all those wonderful things about yourself (even when you don't think you do). I hope you get out of your slump, those suck. And like I said, I am here if you need. Friends (even online ones), can provide some of the validation so many of us BPDers tend to look for in the worst places and people. I don't want to see that happen to you (or anyone for that matter).

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

[duende]

Ah. It makes me so happy to have gotten so much support. Thanks again guys. So...all of this has me thinking..

If I'm doing this whole life thing, lol, I'll do it with someone by my side. I deserve it. I need it. I won't settle for doing it alone. I am with the "go for it" camp. Thanks everyone for the advice, reflections, compassion, and encouragement. Happy thoughts!

[Gingersnapsmom]

What used to make me sad (and still does, really) was going to summer amusement parks and attractions geared toward children/families. It was just me and my boys and I was always seeing "perfect" families. Families with a mom AND a dad and kids all together and the dad sometimes carrying the littlest one on his shoulders. I'm sorry my boys didn't have that. I've been alone for quite a while now and I don't think about it much anymore--except at gatherings. It seems like EVERYone has a husband or wife or girlfriend or boyfriend. Both my brothers have been married forever and I am always the odd one out. Oh well. You never know what the future holds and I would rather be alone than in misery with another abusive person or someone who was not right for me or me for him.

PS. We went hiking up the Flume Gorge in New Hampshire this past August and it was AMAZING. I always feel really, really happy after I accomplish something athletic/physical. Exercise really helps my mood SO much.

[duende]

Gingersnapsmom,
Yes I can definitely see how that would have been (and perhaps is at times) hard to be somewhere among "perfect" families. I'm so sorry you've experienced that though. It can be really tough at times, yes?

I had to look it up..Flume Gorge that is. It looks like a beautiful place. And I can totally relate to what you mentioned about that sense of satisfaction you get from having a good full hike out in nature. I do it sometimes. For me, it's going to a forest or getting some of that ocean breeze/fog. It's like recharging on some missing minerals.

Thanks for sharing. For me, at the moment, I'm coping. I'm about to go pick up something to eat. Now's a time to practice my first week's Distress Tolerance skills. In this case, distress=walking single among the happy couples holding hands (ugh). Wish me luck! Haha. Then I also get to walk by the SPCA kitten adoption holiday setup. That always pulls at my heartstrings. lol.

Thanks for the support!

I empathize. I suspect the "not so good" thoughts you've been having are similar to mine.
After the end of my marriage I felt like no one would ever want me again.
Now I'm in a different kind of hell. I have a boyfriend who is good to me mostly but has the tendancy to abuse me physically at times. I feel trapped in the relationship. While being alone has always been something I hated and therefore tried to avoid desperately in the past, I'm starting to feel like I'd rather be alone. I suppose one of the reasons I stay though is that I figure I deserve no better.
Here for you.