[jdub2013]

I know I haven't been posting lately. To be honest, it feels like I've fallen off the radar in the real world as well. The guy I've been dating and living with for over a year (who also eventually became my boss when I started working at the bar he owns) kicked me out and fired me a few days before Thanksgiving. The reasoning behind all this? Because after I closed the bar one night I went across the street to my friend's apartment and played Grand Theft Auto with his 13 year old son. This is a guy who my BF "Jon" absolutely HATED. Because he felt especially intimidated by "Brad" because he knew we had slept together once years ago. Jon gets snippy with anyone I even talk to. There's even a yelp review from a customer whose name I didn't even recognize calling him "lurch the bar owner" and said that he felt really uncomfortable talking to the bartender because he Jon was just sitting at the end of the bar drinking and looming at anyone who even joked around with me.

The thing is, the only way he found out about me going to Brad's place is that the cameras on the the outside of the bar point directly across the street to Brad's front door. He sat in his office for hours after that looking over all the video footage and saw me go to his place. He asked me about it and I lied. I know that was wrong to lie, but I only did it because he's so possessive and controlling and he hates Brad. I've tried to even put on a whole show for Jon before about how I know that Brad's a jerk and I don't like him, but the truth is I like hanging out with him. He's just a friend who is a guy! Nothing more, nothing less, but if Jon hated him, I was expected to also. That's just unfair. Jon's jealousy and passion for control and complete and utter insecurity has made me feel completely isolated and friendless. If I wasn't at the bar and on camera, I was at the apartment. He even started giving the cold shoulder when I finally developed a friendship with a GIRL!!! I started having a life outside the bar, and suddenly Jon doesn't care for her that much all of a sudden and began to treat her accordingly.

I know it was wrong to lie. But going over to a friend's place to play video games with his KID?! I mean, GOD, Brad was in bed right after opening the door because I was on "bar hours" while Brad is on "I'm a foreman and have to wake up at 6 am" hours. Jon changed the locks on both the door and the apartment, leaving me to spend my money and Thanksgiving in a hotel.

I said to him he was never in love with me. Jon is a man who is in love with controlling everyone.

[Truth in Ruin]

First off, I don't agree with this "Jon" guy kicking you out on the streets like that. I think that was completely wrong, and cruel.

You may not like what I'm going to say, but lets put the shoe on the other foot here for a moment. Would you like it if your man was sneaking over to a girls house knowing that they have slept together? No. You wouldn't. It's not healthy.

That said, I do not agree with the way he handle it.

[jdub2013]

I can see that. But do I have to sneak around just to hang out with someone even though I'm not cheating and Jon totally hates him? Sometimes I feel like if a befriended a house plant Jon would get jealous of it....

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by jdub2013

I can see that. But do I have to sneak around just to hang out with someone even though I'm not cheating and Jon totally hates him? Sometimes I feel like if a befriended a house plant Jon would get jealous of it....

I'm going to be very blunt about this, so I may seem like a jerk.

You don't have to convince me, I already think Jon is a D-bag. In my opinion, a loving/caring boyfriend would have handled this differently. But at the same time, if it is important for you to hangout with guys you have slept with, you might want to think about being single, because there's not too many guys out there that would be okay with this.

[technigal]

It sounds that you are better off without him. Controlling who you see and what you do is wrong. I have also noticed (at least in my experiences) that controlling people tend to be abusive. I do agree that his throwing you out and firing you was not a good way to go about things.

[jdub2013]

It's ridiculous. He's 53 and I'm 26 yet he's the one acting like a tantrum throwing loser whenever he doesn't get his way!

[Truth in Ruin]

I agree with technigal, you're better off without him.

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by jdub2013

I know I haven't been posting lately. To be honest, it feels like I've fallen off the radar in the real world as well. The guy I've been dating and living with for over a year (who also eventually became my boss when I started working at the bar he owns) kicked me out and fired me a few days before Thanksgiving. The reasoning behind all this? Because after I closed the bar one night I went across the street to my friend's apartment and played Grand Theft Auto with his 13 year old son. This is a guy who my BF "Jon" absolutely HATED. Because he felt especially intimidated by "Brad" because he knew we had slept together once years ago. Jon gets snippy with anyone I even talk to. There's even a yelp review from a customer whose name I didn't even recognize calling him "lurch the bar owner" and said that he felt really uncomfortable talking to the bartender because he Jon was just sitting at the end of the bar drinking and looming at anyone who even joked around with me.

The thing is, the only way he found out about me going to Brad's place is that the cameras on the the outside of the bar point directly across the street to Brad's front door. He sat in his office for hours after that looking over all the video footage and saw me go to his place. He asked me about it and I lied. I know that was wrong to lie, but I only did it because he's so possessive and controlling and he hates Brad. I've tried to even put on a whole show for Jon before about how I know that Brad's a jerk and I don't like him, but the truth is I like hanging out with him. He's just a friend who is a guy! Nothing more, nothing less, but if Jon hated him, I was expected to also. That's just unfair. Jon's jealousy and passion for control and complete and utter insecurity has made me feel completely isolated and friendless. If I wasn't at the bar and on camera, I was at the apartment. He even started giving the cold shoulder when I finally developed a friendship with a GIRL!!! I started having a life outside the bar, and suddenly Jon doesn't care for her that much all of a sudden and began to treat her accordingly.

I know it was wrong to lie. But going over to a friend's place to play video games with his KID?! I mean, GOD, Brad was in bed right after opening the door because I was on "bar hours" while Brad is on "I'm a foreman and have to wake up at 6 am" hours. Jon changed the locks on both the door and the apartment, leaving me to spend my money and Thanksgiving in a hotel.

I said to him he was never in love with me. Jon is a man who is in love with controlling everyone.

I understand your feelings to a point, and I do think it's wrong for him to boot you out. I actually had a very similar conversation in therapy recently with my boyfriend. To start, a little history on my situation. I recently got a facebook message from a guy who I used to date (it was maybe for a month or so, like 5 years ago, and we slept together I think twice), wanting to catch up. There was no flirtatious behavior between he and I, and he was in a relationship.

I brought this up to my boyfriend and asked him if we could all do a double date or something soon. At first he was fine with it, and then he asked me how I knew the guy, we'll call him "Greg." I told him the story and he went from being more open to the idea to being very angry at me and the situation. He could not understand why I would think it would be okay to have contact with this person and I couldn't understand why it was a big deal. I didn't feel ANYTHING for this person, there were no signs he felt anything for me and I got very upset and felt my boyfriend was being overbearing and controlling.

He went with me to a therapy appointment where we both explained the situation, and I expected my T to be on my side and agree with me that he was being possessive and was wrong. Instead, after the whole thing, she paused for a second and said that she truly believed that I had no bad intentions in the situation but then looked at me and asked me this: : "If the shoe was on the other foot though, how would you feel?"

You need to be honest with yourself and ask that same question. Let's say your guy closed the bar one night and after work went to hang out with a person he used to knock boots with, and then when asked he lied about it (even if nothing happened, which I do believe is the case with you as well). How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you react?

Regardless of how he found out that you were lying, the point is that you DID lie about it. If you lied about something this trivial (because you think his reaction to this is completely unjustified), then why would he believe you about anything else in the situation. My point with this is that friendship you have with this person now stems from a past in which there was more than that. Even if you like this person, if you love your boyfriend, you'll leave him alone. Is being friends with this person worth this strain on your relationship? If the answer is yes, then maybe the friendship really isn't the problem, maybe the relationship is.

I do again want to say that he should not have kicked you out. That's heartless. It also sounds to me like he does have some issues with jealousy and I think that those need to be tackled to make it work.