What is grey...??

What is grey? I ask.
Can I only see black and white?
I lay supine on my cool concrete paving while the night sits at a balmy 28 degrees Celsius.. I look up into my night sky..
Pink Floyd is seducing someone that is not me with their existential tones from my open window....… I ask again.. What is grey?
As a few drops of rain touch my face.. my senses awaken.. the words “I have become…comfortably numb..” penetrate my thoughts, like being aware of an ant that has crawled onto my leg, gentle but prevalent.... as I gaze into the streetlit grey sky I realise this..… Grey is comfortably numb…. Grey is comfortably numb..

Is this what they want?? comfortably numb..not to feel anything at all?

I look slightly to my left.. the massive tree in my front yard is swaying to its own melody, its song is vigorous in this central Australian wind... Its black silhouette dances like a primitive ceremonial dance.. I lose sight of the grey and sink into its black.. that's when I smile...

Wonder inspiring imagery, thank you.

I do not have BPD but I believe my SO has it (I saw a list of 22 symptoms awhile back and noted that I had seen 20 of them demonstrated by her during our multiple times together).

I am reading this forum to learn and to understand, now making sense out of something that wasn't making any sense to me at all.

I wonder if grey is just mixing the black and the white. I wonder if warm is just mixing the hot and the cold.. I wonder if calm is just mixing the anger with the peace

I wonder....

Thank you, thank you all so much...

I know someone that uses the label "comfortably numb" as their user name on another crisis website...

Grey can be beautiful, it does not mean numb. It has so many shades! When you're constantly stuck in black or white, you are in extremes- enraged, demolished, agony. You miss the middle of these extremes. Wouldn't it feel great to just once feel bummed rather than obliterated? Irked rather than enraged? Disappointed rather than demolished?

Grey also leaves room for emotions that seem foreign to us stuck in black and white; emotions like peaceful, contented, and mellow.

very well put.

Black and white are the two extremes, of which there is only one of each. Whereas grey is a variant mixture of darks and lights.. so this is not numb, it is not unemotional or lacking, it is a description of many levels of emotion, enjoyment even anger. It is being able to see that things are not as straight forward as they might seem at first, or as we so quickly assume.

It is a description of that man on the corner, just someone random. He's smiling and talking to someone. "He must be happy" you say. That would be black and white thinking but if yu look closer, He isn't entirely happy at all. he works in an industry where he has to cater to customers and his smile is nothing more than a way to make the customer comfortable. At home, his child is sick, his wife is stressed out because she's once again missed another day due to this sick child. He's got bills coming out of his ears and he's in debt up to his eyeballs. So... this is a small fraction of his life but as you can see the smile you see, is not black nor white, it is just a smile and to interpret it so presumptuously would be misleading.

This is how life is, this is how we must learn to view everything. People do not typically hate or love, nor are good or bad but all of these things and many variations on that theme. Someone criticizes you does not Hate you, but sees a flaw in something of your behavior, demeanor or methods. Nothing is as simple or straight forward as we make it.

This is what I feel/see... Mostly Grey. If I get angry, I still don't hate you. Matter of fact, I never hate you. I can see someone's good and bad qualitys at the same time, it never becomes just one of the two. I'm unable to devalue someone completely, because I can still see the good things about them, no matter how mad I am at the time. I am unable to put someone on a pedestal, because I know no one is ever perfect, and while I'm at it, no one is ever all bad. I can't bounce from love to hate, if I love you, it stays that way.

I know no one asked, but I just wanted to share how my mind works.

Always welcome to share, my friend. Thing is this is ideal. But it's something BPD people struggle with. WE DO put people on pedestals or kill them in our minds because they are the spawn of Satan himself... and all this, about the same person at different moments in time. >.>

Thanks for this. You bring a lot of insight so never worry that "no one asked for my thoughts.." kind of thing.

This has meaning to me; a reminder in a sense as to what I strive for, hope for, live for. This is what I can gather as normal sometimes, as intellectually I comprehend it. It is what I strive for, hope for, live for. I want to achieve. Seeing it is one thing, changing it is another. For the time being, this mental balance is merely a dreamy state that seems so far away from my current b & w condition. And so I wonder . . . if I may ever find the grey.

I can find the grey, Just not at all a constant thing. for me its those emotionally charged times when my thinking goes black and white... but also the times when that thinking can be the most destructive!

The grey I do experience, so minimally it is as if to say I cannot have it for but a moment. It feels so right it must be unreal, appearing in disguise...then somehow I'm forced to let go while trying hard to hold on so tight. It simply happens and thus all else takes control; the lack of consistancy as well as balance. It is but as a tease, if you will ...just as a moment of elation and one comes down to it's extreme.

My moments of clarity in this world of contrast between extremes are just that, moments. Even though recovery has led to more moments, they still are only moments.

Again. this is what I strive for, hope for, live for~ more than just moments; being able to live on more of an even plateau instead of way up high on a mountain top or in a stagnant mud puddle at the bottom. How can one embrace moments when they are aware of what is ahead of them, within them? It is difficult to utilize those moments as proceeding with maintaining the grey. Agreed; they are still only moments and that would be alright in my book if in between there was not the seemingly engulfing amount of murkiness . . . .

Agreed. That's what makes them almost tragic, knowing what you have to go back to after they pass.

Yes, though I do hate to agree...but that is precisely what sucks the hope down to a bare minimum for me at times. I know, and I'm sorry, it's depressing.

I don't know.. maybe I am just scared of becoming indifferent... I am a passionate person.. I don't experience extreme hate, just sadness, I do experience extreme love..

I have always said if I cared any less I would be indifferent.... not hateful..
I am just sharing what I experience and often times its over whelming to make sense of it when you're alone..

I would have like to have said that to someone...but I was alone..

In our individual world's of BPD obviously much of it isn't too attractive on one level or another and for that I feel so sorry that one must struggle in their ways. I must say, certainly not to minimize what you DO experience that is uneasy for you, but that the fact that you don't experience extreme hate is a blessing and I am so glad for you.

Yes I can appreciate that..
I get extremely angry at people but turn it all inward, but I don't hate that person.. just me for feeling so freaking angry... That's when I feel extreme rage or extreme hurt.

I just think I am really confused about what I am..

And I try to be positive for others, admire others, love others, etc. I often wonder why can't I be or have that for myself? Basically, it's all bass ackwards I guess or outside in, downside up ~ thus the confusion. I feel both anger toward the other person and then in the finale of it all, towards myself. I keep thinking I must find a way to channel these feelings differently, as they must go somewhere. Or, at least, be able to process these thoughts differently to lessen the intensity of the feeling. Ug. In essence I suppose that's what we all desire.

I do this. Typically I'll freak out and lash out at the person. Then I'll beg them for forgiveness and turn all the rage I felt for them inward. Combine that with guilt for blowing up and it's the secret recipe for SI.

wishing for gray any shade of gray. Just short periods of gray...heck...just a flash of gray. feel like life is too b & w for me.....need shades.....