The day BPD dawned on a Danish guy

To anyone finishing this and posting - thank you, it's a long read.
And maybe I am writing it for me too, I've written a good way through it now and it feels good to let some of these thoughts out in the "open".

Phew, where to begin.

Maybe I'll start out slow - after all, 29 years of culminated chaos can hardly be written down in a single post.

My name is Michael, I was conceived in Denmark and that is where I have lived my life so far.

Most important point to make about this post: I'm sure about very few things regarding myself and life in general, I have yet to delve into the entire spectrum of BPD and I could be wrong about my condition, obviously, that is one of the reasons why I am here; to learn.

Also, since English is my second language I apologize for grammatical and spelling errors.

Okay then - my current life status:

29 years old - in a relationship with the same woman for almost 12 years without and breaks or pauses (At least for her, I have had many, in my mind).
I own a successful business in Denmark with employees and a healthy economy.
We have a house that's nearly paid for and a dog which we love.
I have hobbies and some "friends" though I am not very good with other people.

On paper my life is great - but paper can lie - and cut...

Since my childhood, especially my teens and up till now I have lived in chaos.

I have no identity, I have very little control over my emotions or my mood.

I'm a very creative guy, impulsive and lively (when I feel good) - I can be the absolute center of attention and get friends and girls one night and be socially awkward the next day.

Most of my time is lived in the past or the future - speculating, worrying, fantasizing (Also in good ways) about tomorrow, next year, what I could be.
While sadly also doing the same for what could have been, what I missed and so on.

My motto and best advice in life is Carpe Diem yet I am so far from being able to realize it for my self, ironic.

My self diagnosis would be a "mild" case of BPD - as mentioned above I function - I am not happy except for select moments when my brain is so focussed I can let go but I am not unhappy either, it's like this rollercoaster but with a strong will guiding me as the rails. I have always been a fighter.

I have had suicidal thoughts only rarely in my life and never strong enough to hurt myself or seriously think about it.
Though I have spent a life time punishing myself in my head - if that counts - never physically though
Thankfully, reading about BPD, it's one of the effects I've been spared.
It makes me think that my case must be "mild", or that in fact this diagnosis might not be correct.

Reading through all the symptoms though every single other one is so absolutely correct on me that I felt dizzy as though someone had written then with me in mind.

So, my story.

In my teens, which were pretty bad, I clung to a few friends (who obviously choked) and my girlfriends (I had several, but none lasted long) - it was tough on me and I tried so much to be someone else, always pretending always changing - however when the emotions took over I converted back to the "social freak" I felt I was.

My dad, alcoholic, left when I was 11 - not that he was ever there before.
My mother, bless her, did the best she could - I became the man in the house and listened to grown up problems long before I should have known they existed - she "raised" me with love but she only had just enough strength for the love and left out the raising part.

I never truly broke though, I had some rough times and come from a "poor" family (Being "poor" in a place as privileged as Denmark obviously has a different meaning than to most) but I had love and I found friends and girlfriends to help me evolve.
I had my computer and video games too which, honestly, gave me the most company.

Around the age of 18 (young) I left my mothers care and jumped into the open arms of my current girlfriend, Anja.

Our relationship is a chapter of it's own - she is an angel on earth and how she stuck with me through the years I will never be able to comprehend.

However, being the man I am, and without saying anything bad about her, the girl she is - I am, at this point, unsure, if I will ever find the happiness I so desperately seek, with her.

However, as one of the FEW things in my life I have been able to somewhat "control" I have refused to give up on my relationship (or maybe been too scared, not a nice alternative thought sad ) just because of what I think I feel, when I know so well that I have no idea what I really want and what is really good for me because the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, whatever I do.

So for many years I have been fighting so hard against my mind - I have blamed myself, felt so many defeats and fought so many wars I could never win.
A few years ago though it dawned on me that maybe I was sick - in a way where my brain wasn't put together entirely correctly, or damaged somehow - I didn't like the thought, it made me feel weak (still do) - but the feeling of having an "excuse", of allowing myself to let go of the hate to myself was so overwhelming that I had to seek help.

I went through ADHD treatment (for which I have many symptoms), but it ultimately turned out to be something else.
I spoke to a (very bad) psychologist and tried some medications, none helped and it left me demoralized.

Then earlier this year it dawned on me, for the first time, how incredibly and violently my emotions completely controlled me.
I was not aware of any illnesses related to this but after googling it for a while I came upon the CBT / ACT treatments.

I was stunned - maybe I was not the only one.

At this point I have had one (very positive) chat with a new psychologist and will be continuing my talks later this week.

My main reason this time around for meeting with a psychologist was to get wiser about the "condition" I might have and to learn if it could be improved upon.

It wasn't, however, until today, that I stumbled upon and took the time to read about BPD.

I was horrified and positively ecstatic at the same time to see how incredibly well it described me as a person.

So, leaving it here for page one my questions simply are:

Can it get better? Will I ever be "normal" and learn to control my emotions better and interact with other human beings.

What is your experiences with love? Can this illness fool me so utterly that I can entirely neglect to see all the wonderful things about my partner (which I do) and make me focus so intensely on the bad things, just like how I completely fell in love with another woman recently, nothing serious happened, but it was the complete opposite where I could not fault her and mindlessly fell back to my years as a teenager and let go of all the strength I thought I had built up as a Boss, man and adult.

How will this affect my creativity and the positive things about my impulsiveness? I don't want to get too "old and grown up" just yet (at least I don't THINK I want that, some days it feels nice too, sigh).
Oh yeah, I should add, I'm struck pretty hard by a crisis about turning 30, something which probably sparked a lot of these thoughts going through my head.

Is there any medicine without bad side effects like other mental illnesses, weight gaining (Which I have struggled with always) etc.? that actually work?

Mostly though I would just like to meet some people who work and think like me - I am very interested in maybe travelling away for a while if “camps” or “resorts” for people with BPD exists to learn and hear from others.

I love to travel, and do it when I can - it’s very hard and often hurts but it also expands my horizons every time (Ah, got sidetracked here!).

Thank you for taking the time.

Sincerely.

Michael, Denmark

Welcome to PC; you're in good hands here.

Hi Michael. I am Margaret or Mags and I live in Canada. I was diagnosed with BPD in September but it was suspected for years. I have been married for almost 12 years and we have an 8 year old son.

Can things get better? You bet, it all depends on how much you want it and how much work you put into it.

Will you every be normal? That depends on what your definition of normal is. We all define normal and what we want to be in different ways. Will you learn to cope with things, again it depends on how much you want it.

About love. I have been with my husband almost 13 years. They have been rocky times and good times. I am constantly surprised that my husband stays with me. I often push him away and yet he stays. Now knowing my diagnosis he is very supportive and helping me to make changes. When I start to lose it he will hand me my ipod so I can listen to music until I calm down, he suggests hot baths or taking myself out of the environment that is stressing me. He is too good for me but I love him with all that I have to give. It has not been easy and there have been a couple of times where we separated for a few days when I would go into a rage.

How things will effect your creativity is not easy to answer. It may have a positive effect, it may have a negative effect.

Age: I found turning 40 much easier then turning 30. Thirty seemed so "adult" and I was not feeling that at the time. I am now 44 (although I keep getting told I look like I am 25) and age does not seem to bother me as much.

Meds: No one here can give you advice on meds. Everyone reacts differently and side effects can be worse with some of the meds for one person and nothing for another. You should talk to a psychiatrist about medications.

Welcome to PC and hopefully what I have said is of some help.