[greyclouds]

I feel like I'm getting sick again. My moods are crazy.
My thoughts are non stop. But blurred.

I'm no longer classed as bpd but under my doctors prone to the illness!!

I've been so good. Crazy happy. Been well behaved.

But all everything all the symptoms of bpd are rolling back in I can feel it.
I'm not hurting myself. But the fantasy of it is back and in full swing.

It's all I think about. I either eating all. Or nothing at all.
I'm drinking and smoking more. I've had my face pieced and a new tattoo.
I was seeing some one. And I want everyone else to make me feel special.
I can't see or think. I feel black. Dark. As in there no light on my face.
I feel worthless. But I know I'm not.
But the thoughts are dragging me down .

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Sorry that you're feeling unwell, I call times like these "blips"

Do you think Christmas has anything to do with the way you're feeling?

I'm sorry you'r having problems right now.

I only have one thing to say to your doctors: "THEY ARE IDIOTS" wtf does "prone to the illness?" BPD is a friggin personality disorder that either you are or you're not, it's not something you "catch" so as to say you're prone to it says they are acting as if it's some sort of virus that comes and goes. They are full of shizz. I'm sorry. I really hope you can find a doctor that has a better grasp of the disorder.

[Maranara]

I agree with S4...it's not something you can get rid of or catch. You can learn to cope with it, but it will always be there. I'm sorry you're having problems again. The holidays can very well be contributing to your issues. I'm here if you want to talk.

[greyclouds]

S4 I agree. But I have been really good.
You know yourself how bad I was.. I stopped drinking. Stopped taking risks. Went to therapy when I was meant to.
Didn't hurt myself.
But through my history the periods of self destruction are to far apart to fully diagnose me with it. That's why I am prone to it.
Meaning a build up emotions. Stresses or just general life can bring it on.

Since the worse In march my life has been great. Okay so it's showed some symptoms but not enough to cause alarm. I maybe had few minor episodes.

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Originally Posted by greyclouds

S4 I agree. But I have been really good.
You know yourself how bad I was.. I stopped drinking. Stopped taking risks. Went to therapy when I was meant to.
Didn't hurt myself.
But through my history the periods of self destruction are to far apart to fully diagnose me with it. That's why I am prone to it.
Meaning a build up emotions. Stresses or just general life can bring it on.

Since the worse In march my life has been great. Okay so it's showed some symptoms but not enough to cause alarm. I maybe had few minor episodes.

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Well I had gone nearly 1 yr without a major problem. The first year after my separation was really bad but after I really found my own way a bit I did well for awhile almost forgetting I had BPD altogether. It all came to the surface again recently which I've already gone into but I just realized, even in the good times, I'm no less BPD and a blowout may or may not be right around the corner. I just think it's easier to accept that you always have BPD and no amount of doing well changes that. The fact that after long periods it can come back full force, without warning catching us off guard speaks to this.

When you are able to accept that its a 100% thing, that it's always with you I think it's easier to cope with life all the time because you can better prepare yourself knowing that even if it's in "remission" you know it can and probably will.. return, with a vengeance.

[Starling.]

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having a hard time again, and I hope that things improve again soon.

Is there anything that might have triggered it, or anything that's helped in the past?

[Maranara]

I was able to cope for almost 20 years.....

[greyclouds]

Originally Posted by Starling.

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you're having a hard time again, and I hope that things improve again soon.

Is there anything that might have triggered it, or anything that's helped in the past?

Yes there are def things that could of triggered it. And thank you for you sweet reply.

And s4 I hear what your saying but full blown bpds don't have breaks from this illness am I right?

It's there 24:7. I'm confused. And when I was in full blown bpd it was my moods changed rapidly.
Some days I felt like Emily rose. I couldn't keep up with the moods the emotions. The pain.

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[Starling.]

I understand what you're saying, about having breaks from it. I am often very well for long periods of time. I personally wouldn't like to start thinking of myself as "being borderline" or believe that it's the case that I will always start to struggle again. I have also known people to recover from BPD. I don't think it's an all or nothing thing.

Originally Posted by greyclouds

Yes there are def things that could of triggered it. And thank you for you sweet reply.

And s4 I hear what your saying but full blown bpds don't have breaks from this illness am I right?

It's there 24:7. I'm confused. And when I was in full blown bpd it was my moods changed rapidly.
Some days I felt like Emily rose. I couldn't keep up with the moods the emotions. The pain.

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I think the patterns are not always apparent but always there. I have never been a rapid cycling mood swing person at all. even when my disorder is giving me trouble, but I am no less borderline when I'm doing well. It's kind of like a person with bipolar which I have. I have periods of normality but does that mean I'm only prone to bipolar? no, because bipolar means that I have chemically induced highs and lows but does not say anywhere that I have to be either up or all the way down either. Same with borderline. I don't see anywhere in the description where it says if you're doing ok your disorder is gone. I don't believe that it goes away. I have nothing factual to say that would confirm without a doubt that I am correct in this but all the same I've never seen it alluded to that it is something that can come and go. I don't think there is any bpd person on this board that doesn't experience some times of normality or peace. some more, some less, yes but still.. they are all still bpd 100% of the time.

Originally Posted by Starling.

I understand what you're saying, about having breaks from it. I am often very well for long periods of time. I personally wouldn't like to start thinking of myself as "being borderline" or believe that it's the case that I will always start to struggle again. I have also known people to recover from BPD. I don't think it's an all or nothing thing.

I think it is, in the sense you either have it or you don't. Doesn't mean there aren't degrees of it. some have more of the symptoms than others, some have less. A few are very extreme and deal with it daily. Others may not. I think all of these people that deal with it are indeed the same in that they all have bpd. The criteria states that you have like a certain number of symptoms at times not that you have them all or how much.

I would like to hear of people that have recovered. I am skeptical of this. Only becuase I believe people can learn to deal with and control it better but it is a disorder that affects our emotions and it's never been pinned down to an exact cause at this point so I think recovering from something that has no definite cause, physically or circumstantially would be difficult at best. but learning to live with it and be more "normal" (for lack of a better word) I do believe is possible. I just don't consider it recovery.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I would like to hear of people that have recovered. I am skeptical of this. Only becuase I believe people can learn to deal with and control it better but it is a disorder that affects our emotions and it's never been pinned down to an exact cause at this point so I think recovering from something that has no definite cause, physically or circumstantially would be difficult at best. but learning to live with it and be more "normal" (for lack of a better word) I do believe is possible. I just don't consider it recovery.

Apparently I had BPD when I was in teenager because I went through a phase of chronic suicidal ideation. I was diagnosed based on that and anger issues. The anger came from being bullied at school and having no friends (I am autistic).

I did not do well in treatment at all because I felt the professionals weren't listening. I also felt judged as being manipulative and a horrible person. At the time there was no treatment for BPD besides traditional psychotherapy and most clinicians were not interested in working with people with a BPD diagnosis. After a major suicide attempt that "woke me up" I decided to leave psychiatry and that way of life behind. I have never relapsed even when I went through acute psychosis in my mid-twenties and a few major depressions.

I think people can recover no matter what the illness is. I have seen it.

[IndieVisible]

First of all let me remind you that no matter how bad you feel now, it will pass. Hang on. I constantly have to remember that when I get in bad episodes or moods.

Now let me try to explain what your doc means by "prong to mental illness" he could have worded it better but I understand what he was trying to say and many pdocs would agree. Think of two glasses the exact same size. One is half full of water, the other is only a quarter full of water. Now we pour more water in each glass. Obviously the half full will over pour first. That's us. If that is what the doctor was trying to say in his awkward way, he is correct. An example would be marijuana and schizophrenia. Most people can smoke pot and enjoy it! Some people like myself smoke weed and turn in to a schizo. Makes me paranoid and delusional, and brings on heavy anxiety. That's because in my case I have schizo tendencies in me, the pot just brings it out faster. I'm half full, get high and I over flow.

Another example is an addicting personality. Some people have it some don't. There are other examples but I hope you get the idea. I'm not sure if this is what your doc was trying to express. If so many professionals would agree and I have heard and read this many times.

I suggest you start a journal if you already do not have one. It really is verrry helpful. I use Optimism, it's totally free and highly configurable and FREE! You can download it on any number of computers or you can also access the web app from any where as it keeps your account in sync. The reason a journal helps me is I can see my history of moods and coping and anxiety and can add daily notes, chart progress and see it all in graph forms to to see the bigger picture.

I don't know what you are or what issues you have, a journal will help you see patterns and help you improve coping skills. It helped me to see my patterns. I can go months totally baseline, then fall in depression, or mixed episodes. I can also track my meds, amount of sleep and see if there is any patterns there. I can also track my triggers, add new ones, and really this is just a great tool! You can also if you want to send email alerts automatically to your pdoc.

I really truly believe that it's all about awareness and coping. We may not be able to change what we have or how we feel, but we can however understand it better which does lead to better coping skills and hope!

Best of luck to you!

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I think the patterns are not always apparent but always there. I have never been a rapid cycling mood swing person at all. even when my disorder is giving me trouble, but I am no less borderline when I'm doing well. It's kind of like a person with bipolar which I have. I have periods of normality but does that mean I'm only prone to bipolar? no, because bipolar means that I have chemically induced highs and lows but does not say anywhere that I have to be either up or all the way down either. Same with borderline. I don't see anywhere in the description where it says if you're doing ok your disorder is gone. I don't believe that it goes away. I have nothing factual to say that would confirm without a doubt that I am correct in this but all the same I've never seen it alluded to that it is something that can come and go. I don't think there is any bpd person on this board that doesn't experience some times of normality or peace. some more, some less, yes but still.. they are all still bpd 100% of the time.

Thank you for your insight S4

[technigal]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I'm sorry you'r having problems right now.

I only have one thing to say to your doctors: "THEY ARE IDIOTS" wtf does "prone to the illness?" BPD is a friggin personality disorder that either you are or you're not, it's not something you "catch" so as to say you're prone to it says they are acting as if it's some sort of virus that comes and goes. They are full of shizz. I'm sorry. I really hope you can find a doctor that has a better grasp of the disorder.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I agree with S4...it's not something you can get rid of or catch. You can learn to cope with it, but it will always be there. I'm sorry you're having problems again. The holidays can very well be contributing to your issues. I'm here if you want to talk.

Originally Posted by greyclouds

Yes there are def things that could of triggered it. And thank you for you sweet reply.

And s4 I hear what your saying but full blown bpds don't have breaks from this illness am I right?

It's there 24:7. I'm confused. And when I was in full blown bpd it was my moods changed rapidly.
Some days I felt like Emily rose. I couldn't keep up with the moods the emotions. The pain.

No, anyone with BPD can have periods of normalcy. The pdoc that diagnosed me explained to me that there are different levels of BPD and different people function at different levels. She used the example of my son being autistic but very high functioning, it does not change the fact that he is on the autism spectrum or that he has symptoms just that he functions better then some kids with autism. She diagnosed me as high functioning, there are times I am definitely showing my symptoms and there are a lot of times where you would never know.

[greyclouds]

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee

Apparently I had BPD when I was in teenager because I went through a phase of chronic suicidal ideation. I was diagnosed based on that and anger issues. The anger came from being bullied at school and having no friends (I am autistic).

I did not do well in treatment at all because I felt the professionals weren't listening. I also felt judged as being manipulative and a horrible person. At the time there was no treatment for BPD besides traditional psychotherapy and most clinicians were not interested in working with people with a BPD diagnosis. After a major suicide attempt that "woke me up" I decided to leave psychiatry and that way of life behind. I have never relapsed even when I went through acute psychosis in my mid-twenties and a few major depressions.

I think people can recover no matter what the illness is. I have seen it.

This is what happened to me. After A don't want to say suicide. Cos I didn't actually want to die. Attempt.

I finished my therapy and things have been good. It was like I was maybe born again. The first few weeks were hard. The guilt was something I never wish to feel again.
But my life was on a good road.

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