[BarelyMakingIt]

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good, even hopeful and my head was full of all of the things I would accomplish today. I ended sitting on the couch the entire time reading articles and forum posts passively and obsessing over one mistake I've made over the past year that in my mind makes me an awful person although it was completely unintentional. I'm feeling regret for not being the mother that I wanted to be to my two wonderful children. Mostly I'm feeling like I have no idea who I even am.

Recently I have found such a great friend, he has really opened my eyes to just how dark of a place I was in for the past few years. He has made me want to be a better person and made me realize that there was something very serious going on with me that led me to see that I have more than likely have BPD, I have not been diagnosed but there may also be something else along with it.

I feel like I have been woken up, out of a long deep sleep and before I was not fully present in this life. I'm not sure if this would be considered a dissociative state or not but I know that it can be described as living life on auto pilot, that is definitely how I felt. Now that I am starting to wake up, I am realizing how much I have hurt and confused those around me and the thoughts almost too much to bear. I almost want to go back to sleep so I don't have these thoughts and feelings anymore, that place was at least comfortable. I also don't want to feel like I can just write off all the wrongs I've done as just unknowingly having serious unaddressed mental issues although I know they are largely to blame. I do believe in accountability and I try to exhibit it at all times. I never wanted to be that person that couldn't handle life on their own, I always thought that I was doing the best that I could and that I was strong enough to bring myself back up on my own. Now I'm seeing that I need more help than I could have ever imagined.

I now know that I have a a battle to fight, the thought is scary and overwhelming at times and as much as I have been confused about so much else in the past, this is the one thing that I am most certain of. I have to do it for myself, my children and ll of those that I care for because I DO CARE despite the things that I may do at times. I know I have always felt misunderstood by others but it's even more devastating to find out that you don't understand yourself. Overall, I know that I am a very loving and forgiving person and that I have a lot to offer to this world. I had decided a while ago that I would always end up single and lonely but only because I liked being alone. After falling in love for the first time in my life recently and it being the greatest feeling I have ever felt I found that I am capable of being a good partner to somebody. I don't know if I will ever get over the feelings that I don't deserve to have real love in my life. I hope I can one day, and I hope that I can figure myself out.

Since having so many recent discoveries about myself, I would like more than anything to bring myself out of the darkness. I have had some good days over the past few months when the sun shone more beautifully than it ever has before, and I was given pure love and gave it as well. I am on a mission to right my wrongs, I am seeking out therapy and trying to find steady employment. I also believe that I eventually would like to work in the mental health field myself. I know these are very ambitious goals but if I don't have ambitions and goals I will just crumble and wither away like I was so very close to doing not too long ago.

[lynn808]

I love it....fight, have goals, wanna get better, wanna understand you and others, wanna help....keep going for it....life is an adventure...a journey...not a destination....learn something new every day.... it makes each day worthwhile.. hugs for you to keep trying every day...relax now and enjoy the evening.....take care....hugs

[BarelyMakingIt]

Originally Posted by lynn808

I love it....fight, have goals, wanna get better, wanna understand you and others, wanna help....keep going for it....life is an adventure...a journey...not a destination....learn something new every day.... it makes each day worthwhile.. hugs for you to keep trying every day...relax now and enjoy the evening.....take care....hugs

Thank you, I am trying to follow this line of thinking. I 'm also a believer that everything happens for a reason. I think certain mistakes were made so I could see just how bad I had gotten. I guess I can't focus on why they were made anymore, I just have to accept the lessons learned, get stronger from them, and ask for forgiveness in the future if needed. Growth hurts sometimes but it is a necessary process, whether completely together mentally or not.

[hawaii04]

I can tell you have so much going for you; your ambitious nature alone will enable you to get back up and continue reaching your goals. I applaud you for your incredibly positive way of viewing things. We all feel lost, scared and overwhelmed at times, let it be . . . work your way through the bumps and allow nothing to stand in your way. Easier said than done, but it can be done.

[lynn808]

Originally Posted by BarelyMakingIt

Thank you, I am trying to follow this line of thinking. I 'm also a believer that everything happens for a reason. I think certain mistakes were made so I could see just how bad I had gotten. I guess I can't focus on why they were made anymore, I just have to accept the lessons learned, get stronger from them, and ask for forgiveness in the future if needed. Growth hurts sometimes but it is a necessary process, whether completely together mentally or not.

It was my cousin who said the other day....if not for my mistakes...I wouldn't be here today...on second thought...maybe they weren't mistakes...just lessons on the path.... he is my cuzzz and my friend... I applaud him... because he knew when to help and when to tell me to get help....have known him for 30 yrs and suffered for well over 40...
So he does know me well....hmmmm...yikes