[lazydog]

Hi I am new to this board and have been reading your posts. I was diagnosed 20 years ago with BPD, after my child was born. I totally flipped out and was aggressive to the father. Off I went to get evaluated. They diagnosed me with BPD, I went to a couple of sessions of counselling and then basically ignored the diagnosis because I thought it was postnatal depression and well the guy was a jerk, but I didn't have to overreact that way. A typical person would not have handled it the way I handled it.

It's only been this last day that I realized I do have BPD and have been just getting by barely without doing anything that ended me up in the hospital or at a psychiatrist. But just barely getting by.

I have been trying to quit drinking and quit smoking, thinking that they are my biggest problems but it was only yesterday that I realized I had an even bigger problem and I had used the booze and smokes to medicate my thoughts and anxiety. Wow, is all I can say.

This last week has been hell for me, and I have exhibited all the classic behaviors of someone with BPD, dumped my boyfriend one day then tried to get him back the next, freaked when he wouldn't take me back, slept with him multiple times even though he said he wanted to date other people, didn't go to work for five days, called my "ex ex" boyfriend, went out for lunch with him and almost slept with him (would have if he didn't have to work) then made two online dates for tonight, not going, then called my recent "ex" boyfriend (only one ex there) and asked him if I could come over, he said sure, (smart boy-probably knew if he said no there would be some drama involved) once I was reassured he would let me come over I said no thanks. So in total I made dates with four different guys yesterday. Hmmm. Doesn't sound normal to me

Also missed a very important job interview that I had been networking for months to get, holy crap am I mortified over that one.

Then I proceeded to drink a bottle of wine, and somehow fell upon a site of BPD. Hmmmmm. I said to myself, could there be some truth in that diagnosis of years ago. So I got up this morning, went to my doctor and told her I was BPD and had been hiding it for 20 years. She said two weeks to see a doctor, I said not quick enough so I freaking went to ER, omg. I sat there for three hours and left. Mortified over that one too.

I guess I managed it unknowingly a bit last year and had one of my better years so of course I had to stop doing the things that were helping and I let it all crash down in one big freaking heap of life destructing moves. Hell I bought a brand new car, I won't even know for awhile if that was a good move or not for awhile. Although.... a lot of people have asked me why I had to bought such an expensive car.....crap.

The only thing I am a grateful for right now is I am going to read every book I can and learn.

The only reason I had such a good year last year was because I was writing stuff out before I reacted to anything or responded to a person and because I was going to the gym every day for two hours and if I was upset with someone I would not talk to them until that two hour session was over. I absolutely would not talk to anyone if I was upset until after the gym. And It worked. And then just two weeks ago I was mad at now ex boyfriend and was thinking irrationally and I even had my gym clothes on and I told myself to not answer that call but I did and continue to do so and it's been downhill ever since.

If I have learnt anything about myself it is that I don't react the way typical people react and that I need time, thought and space to think before I say anything.

Anyway thanks for listening/reading. Hopefully I can add and help others experiences also at some point.

[Maranara]

My own experiences are very similar to yours. I was a very emotional, messed up teen and young adult though I've had BPD traits for as long as I can remember. I was always told by my family that there was nothing wrong with me and that I was imagining it. After my youngest daughter was born, 24 years ago, I decided without realizing I decided it that friends and such weren't worth it. I'd instantly push people away the instant I'd start feeling unfortable, which was usually in pretty short order....until two years ago. I made a friend, the first I'd made in over twenty years, and my world fell apart. What I was able to cope with, albeit, sometimes with issues, for over twenty years completely fell apart in a matter of a few weeks and I've been a mess ever since.

Yes, read as much as you can. That is a good start. The better you understand yourself the better it will be. That doesn't mean you'll always be able to change how you act, but knowledge is power. Several months after I discovered BPD, I also discovered meditation. It has been my lifesaver. It allows me to stay focused to at least some degree and helps me stay grounded. In the two years since this happened, I've had more failed friendships than I'd like to admit to. It's like I just can't shut people out anymore...but I'm getting there.

If you'd like any info on the mediation stuff, just let me know. Just know that you're not alone and that this is a great place for information and to feel part of a group who "gets it".

[lazydog]

Thanks Maranara, I appreciate the support I think that going to the gym is my meditation in some way. I never talk to anyone, it's all about me and getting my head and body healthy. It's amazing how I can change my attitude and my rationality after spending two hours focused on my thoughts and whether they are reasonable and just taking a deep breath, well a lot of deep breaths

Now I just need to get back there to the gym, only been once in last two weeks during this crisis time I have heaped upon myself. So anxiety ridden over my life I can't even do the one thing I know will help me. Lazy