[Maranara]

I don't want to write all of the sordid details...I've done that several times on this forum in the past. Suffice it to say that I need to make some major changes in my life with my husband. To him, BPD doesn't exist or "anyone can have it depending on how you interpret the traits". When I had my major issues that brought me here and led to my diagnosis, I pleaded for him to understand and to support me (I wrote it out....I can't talk.) All I wanted him to do was start a conversation that I could hopefully contribute to...he never did, but he complains and I become the bad guy when I make friends I feel I can talk to. When I got attached to someone else, he accused me of "emotionally abandoning" him and when I lost total control I was "embarrassing him". I've also been with him since I was 16...went from my controlling, domineering mother to him. I know we all have problems with this, but I have no clue who I am...I've never really been on my own, and I feel as though I desperately need to figure that out to at least some degree.

I make more than double his salary working at at-home job, but he is an IT guy and could easily make more. He never has time to look around or do anything, but he always seems and complains that he's "busy". When we first moved to Idaho, I was the sole provider for over six months, and he lied to people about having a job and got mad at me when I got angry at his deception. When he finally did look, he got the first thing he applied for...what does that tell you?

I have to break away...I know I do, something fierce. I feel this way for a while, and then I start making excuses, begin thinking it's my fault, start feeling guilty, tell myself that it will get better, and lose all self-confidence, so nothing happens. How do you break a 30 year attachment?

I'm willing to take suggestions, but what I need more than anything is to keep my self-determination and confidence up. I can't make a move on this instantly. I need for a certain thing or two to happen first...but I can't afford to feel "stuck" either or let it go again. "Stuck" for too long leads to desperation, being willing to do anything to get out of it, and, eventually, suicidal thoughts, and I don't want to go there...

[The_little_didgee]

I have never been in a committed relationship so I cannot offer any meaningful support. I do want to comment on the following quote though:

Originally Posted by Maranara

I've also been with him since I was 16...went from my controlling, domineering mother to him. I know we all have problems with this, but I have no clue who I am...I've never really been on my own, and I feel as though I desperately need to figure that out to at least some degree.

Note: Please don't interpret this as a recommendation that you should leave your husband.

Moving out on your own can lead to self discovery. When I moved out and got my first apartment I was really scared. Over time I learned so much about myself, and my strengths and weaknesses. My biggest realization was resilience. I really needed to discover that. Before that I always doubted my capabilities, because I had no solid proof. Now nobody can take that away from me.

[H3rmit]

It sounds like you know what's right for you, but you're afraid of losing touch with it. Can you trust that the feeling will come back? Maybe writing it down would help. And there's always trial separation, right? Just to try things out because you need space. Less risk, but a really good wake-up call.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

It sounds like you know what's right for you, but you're afraid of losing touch with it. Can you trust that the feeling will come back? Maybe writing it down would help. And there's always trial separation, right? Just to try things out because you need space. Less risk, but a really good wake-up call.

Yes, the feeling will come back. It always does, and I was already thinking of something short-term to start with. Nothing I do will be easy, but it needs to happen. I've been living like this for way too long. I just need to believe in myself enough to take action when it's time to.

[Maranara]

He's made me feel guilty and personally placed me on the roller coaster with a disappointed look and by saying "I don't know how to respond to you."

[technigal]

Originally Posted by Maranara

He's made me feel guilty and personally placed me on the roller coaster with a disappointed look and by saying "I don't know how to respond to you."

Feeling guilty is such a hard thing to deal with. Most days I feel guilty about something. Sorry that you are going through a rough time.

[lynn808]

Maranara.
I feel for you in this pain. I am also in a similar boat...to stay or not to stay....can I be out there on my own? I am strong but am I strong enough?? Can I do this? Should I stay and stew??? I cant answer your question as I cant answer mine. I do feel your pain hun, and hope you come to a decision with your best interest at heart. May you be strong in the coming weeks and months and know that we are here for you....good luck on this part of your journey...positve thoughts for you!!!

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Maranara

"I don't know how to respond to you."

That drives me crazy when people do that. I know how they feel, but they need to buck up and be empathic and thoughtful. Ya know, basic human mature stuff. Civilized (in a good way) human skills. We're all people, we're all equals, and we and our feelings and concerns are worthy of consideration.

[adam_k]

Breaking away can be hard to do especially after a long relationship. You get settled in your role and responsibility and get content in your relationship even if it is dysfunctional.

If it were me I would evaluate what I need from a relationship. Try to see if what I feel is reasonable. I am bad for the all or nothing thinking. Either thinking she is the best thing in my life or that she doesn't want to be with me and is just using me. Mind you her behavior is constant but mostly my own issues that are at work. It is hard to look at things objectively. Especially when you feel so strongly at times and you don't question yourself.

For me I tend to wait on things for a while and see if the feelings linger and are valid. It doesn't do our relationship any good when I am hot and cold towards without a "real" reason.

If you are seriously unhappy and want to end thing wouldn't it be a good idea to put your cards on the table with him? I.e. saying I am completely unhappy and can't continue because of x. What I need to make it work is y.

I'm not saying give him ultimatums or threats to get what you want, but you should be able to tell him honestly what you need and want from him to feel supported and content with the relationship. No one can make you happy besides yourself, but with a marriage you should be able to have trust and know someone won't blame you for falling on your face, but instead help you up or at least give you some support when you need it.

Our spouses see us at our worst. We do things that hard difficult, self destructive and sometimes just shoot ourselves in the foot. It never feels like it at the time. Try to figure out if there is a way to mend things and get what you need to make it work.

Leaving is easy. It is just running away. Figuring out if things can work out and determining if things aren't good is the real challenge.

[Maranara]

Leaving someone you are attached to is not easy. It's something I've been thinking about for close to two years.

Yesterday, as some of you may remember, I started a thread, I deleted what I'd said, and the entire thing was deleted later on. I had a major "episode" for lack of a better term. About a year and a half ago, I was abandoned by the first friend I'd made in over 20 years...a friend my husband knew and liked. I was accused of "emotionally abandoning" him. I was totally losing it and he didn't see it and made me feel totally guilty about something that I couldn't help. I tried to explain BPD to him; I wrote him a very long letter over the course of several weeks. All I asked him to do was to start a conversation about it and he never did...and I couldn't start it on my own. I was suicidal and having issues with SI and drinking like a fish, but he chose not to see it. All he saw was the pain I caused him and that I was embarrassing him in public...and he never talked to me. I also gave him a book on BPD...asked him to read the first section on the traits. He read the first page, put it down, and never picked it up again. Now he looks at is as though it was "a phase", and I've made more friends that he's found out about and all he could say was "you've done this before".

I had a severe, totally frightening PTSD/BPD episode. All I could see what I was guilty and that I couldn't take it and had to run away and had absolutely no where to go. I was becoming suicidal...I had to get away one way or another. It didn't matter. Once I came out of it I realized it wasn't what I was going through now. I was reliving what I felt over a year ago.

That is the breaking point for me. I cannot live with someone who's instilled that type of fear in me. It will be hard, I hope I can get occasional help or encouragement here, but it is something I have to do. Before that happens, as soon as I can, I need to find support groups and find places I CAN go because it WILL happen again....

[adam_k]

Personally I think he is an idiot for not at least educating himself about BPD. Sure there is a gray line in what people choose to do and how they react to situations. Being married to someone with BPD, seeing the behavior and being on the receiving end of it should help him make sense of the disorder and why you react the way you do. Is he avoiding the truth because he doesn't like it? Do you think he invalidates you as a way of trying to pretend everything is ok?

Do you think it is possible he has issues of his own that feed off of your own struggles? Something like narcissistic personality disorder?

I'm sorry you are having a difficult and painful time right now. Do you have any support or a professional to talk to?

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by adam_k

Personally I think he is an idiot for not at least educating himself about BPD. Sure there is a gray line in what people choose to do and how they react to situations. Being married to someone with BPD, seeing the behavior and being on the receiving end of it should help him make sense of the disorder and why you react the way you do. Is he avoiding the truth because he doesn't like it? Do you think he invalidates you as a way of trying to pretend everything is ok?

Do you think it is possible he has issues of his own that feed off of your own struggles? Something like narcissistic personality disorder?

I'm sorry you are having a difficult and painful time right now. Do you have any support or a professional to talk to?

He may have something. I have no real idea and it doesn't matter. He has a very negative view of therapists and professionals and won't go. His parents sent him to therapists when he was young and he had some bad experiences and won't go back.

Me, I'm willing to but I think I've had my share of them for right now as well. We didn't have insurance and I went through a Master's level intern who just basically agreed with whatever I said and I never knew whether she was genuine. I've seen four different therapist over the past four years, none more than five or six times.

I have the support of a few friends I met online and my mindfulness and meditation is usually enough to carry me through, but now and then things overflow. I'm also in the middle of a 12 day long stint at work.

My biggest worry right now is I need somewhere local I can go or turn to. I moved almost 3,000 miles from home right after this happened and I've been working at home. I know nobody except his family, and I'm likely to become the villain when things come down. I have to find local support or at least a shelter or somewhere I can go when I feel the need to escape. Feeling trapped is a very dangerous emotion for me.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by adam_k

Do you think it is possible he has issues of his own that feed off of your own struggles? Something like narcissistic personality disorder?

Since I was asked I did the reading. He's not narcissistic at all. If I had to guess, and this is only really conjecture, I'd have to say he's a split between histrionic and paranoid PD with major leanings towards the histrionic.