[BarelyMakingIt]

Most of you probably know about the situation with the friend that I've been seeing and how I haven't heard from him. Well I woke up having reflective thoughts. The main thing that I've come to realize is that I probably should have stopped seeing him after I realized I really had some serious issues mentally. I thought I would be better able to control myself since I knew what was going on but that wasn't the case, obviously.

My second realization is that I completely pushed him away and his reaction may not be completely justifiable but it is understandable. I was so hung up on what I felt he was doing wrong that I allowed myself to lose it on him emotionally. Of course him ignoring me made it even worse but what I did was not acceptable. I know that I scared him away and I really regret it. I did let him know about the BPD because I felt I trusted him enough to let him know and I knew that it would directly affect him. I really can't stand the thought of losing what I felt was a good friend over this, and I feel so bad about what I did.

I said that I would no longer contact him but I also really believe in being real with my feelings. I don't know if/when he will contact me again but I know I do want to take accountability for my part in what happened. At the same time I think I would just be setting myself up for further disappointment with him possibly not even taking me seriously or not even caring and still not contacting me again. I know I really confused him, I pulled a 180 on him I was nothing like that before we started seeing each other or even at the beginning. I do know more than anything though I do need to be alone right now either way. I got way too attached and dependent on him.

Should I just leave him alone? I did acknowledge where I was wrong somewhat in a previous message but I really want to let him know how bad I feel about what I did and let him know that I don't really want him back. I'm not sure though if this is wise.

[punkybrewster6k]

An apology is always good for any situation even if both of you are at fault it will clear your concence. It doesnt mean you want him back but it brings healing for you. What he does with it really doest matter. But it sounds like a healthy thing for you for the simple fact that you are questionimg wether you should.....

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[Fuzzybear]

Feeling bad about what you did shows you're a human with feelings, and empathy If you were both at fault, you're showing strength in apologising...I think it's a healthy thing to do

If he doesn't accept your apology that's about him It's hard when we trust someone and they don't honour that trust.

[eskielover]

You can write your apology in such a way that's it's NOT inviting him back, but that you are just expressing your accountability in your part of the situation & to give yourself better closure on the ending of the relationship so that he knows exactly what your feelings & thoughts are on what happened.

I know personally after a 33 year marriage.....over the 6 years after I left now, I have come to some very amazing realizations. I really want to make a final statement with the finalization of the divorce in writing so that he doesn't continue his life with any assumptions over WHY things happened the way they did & what throughout the marriage & even before took it to the place it did.......I feel it's mostly about closure for me.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Thanks for all of the advice, I will make sure that I make it clear that i have no expectations from issuing an apology. I was really awful to him and I think me driving him away really got to me because I was really making an effort not to this time around but I failed so badly. I did think that he was willing to stick it out but then I guess I should have never put all of my trust into him. It would definitely bring closure to the situation form and I do need it. Just sitting here right now though with a clear state of mind, the past two weeks where I completely tripped on him and felt so betrayed when he honestly didn't even do anything deserving of that it seems like a distant memory and almost like it was a different person. In a way I'm glad he stopped speaking to me, if he didn't I don't think I would have seen how far gone I was. Even if it took a couple of weeks to figure it out.

I'm not familiar with your situation but
This happened to me before. A friend and I power struggled because I felt like he was wrong, and he felt just as strongly that I was the one who was wrong. Now I realize the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
If you've made contact regarding your feelings and he has yet to reply, my best advice would be to wait. Give him time to process and let him come to you if he's gonna.
Best of luck.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Originally Posted by ThroughBeingCool

I'm not familiar with your situation but
This happened to me before. A friend and I power struggled because I felt like he was wrong, and he felt just as strongly that I was the one who was wrong. Now I realize the truth lies somewhere in the middle.
If you've made contact regarding your feelings and he has yet to reply, my best advice would be to wait. Give him time to process and let him come to you if he's gonna.
Best of luck.

Thank you for your input. Well the fallout came when I started freaking when he began not responding to my texts. Of course I thought he just was not talking to me anymore. At first I just jokingly asked him if he wasn't talking to me anymore and honestly after only a couple of hours I sent another saying the same thing and eventually I sent one questioning my trust in him, it was pretty bad. Then for few days after that I sent more emotional and accusatory texts. After not hearing from him for a few days I sent a text asking if he would talk tome now and when that didn't get a fast reply I pretty much did the same thing. Then I finished that with a couple of emotional messages on Facebook and in the last one I sent on Sunday I let him know that I wouldn't contact him anymore. In another impulsive moment I removed him from all social networks which I now regret. He's really stubborn and I doubt he'll add me back. I am not proud of anything that I've done in this instance at all, it really was pretty bizarre. I sent him the apology already though, I did it earlier this afternoon.

[BarelyMakingIt]

I know ultimately time will determine the outcome and it will also take time for me to get over all of this. Of course, as usual my biggest regret is my actions and the aftermath that they caused. He really did mean a lot to me but at the same time if he isn't willing to try and understand and forgive then I know it isn't even worth worrying about. I will just have to wait it out as suggested and try not to worry about what will happen.

[eskielover]

It is sad when we allow our emotional mind to take over our logic instead of catching it before it gets to that point (mindfulness & being aware of the situation & the BIG PICTURE). Like you have said best thing is to just send a message/letter (in the old days of snail mail) to them so they can read what you have to say.....what they choose to do at that point is their choice & like I said before....it gives you closure in letting them know that you know you blew it also & that you have learned from the situation.....whether or not anything come of the relationship in the future is probably questionable.

LOL....back when I was in high school I had a long distance BF (like I only saw him in person 2 times).....right before my graduation he sent me a letter (this was back in the late 60's) telling me he was getting married.....I sent a reply congratulating him on his marriage.....I was angry inside that I had been so stupid to waste my life on a long distance relationship my senior year of high school even though I had friends to do the activities with so I didn't do without. Anyway.....6 months later I get this letter from him telling me how sorry he was & what a big mistake he made getting married......I did send a letter back....but it was basically telling him that he made his bed...now deal with it...you made your choice. You never know how the other person is going to take your apology but if you don't go in with any expectations....you will NOT be disappointed in cases like this.

Hope you have learned how your emotional mind can really get you into a mess & hope that in T you will be able to learn how to control your emotional mind in the future (dropping a hint...lol....DBT is really good for these kinds of skills)

[lazydog]

Sometimes an apology to someone else is beneficial to ourselves. After my ex and I broke up I really wanted to apologize for one thing I had done. I had got drunk a couple of times and said a bunch of mean things to him that I normally would not have said. When he would tell me what I said to him each time in the morning after, I just brushed it off.

They were really hurtful things that I said. Even though he was a total a-hole to me a at the end I still wanted to ,so I apologized for my part in that destructive part of our relationship. It felt good to accept responsibility for my part. I hope you got it out of you. It feels good to do that.

[CandlesAndSage]

Sometimes apologies help us let go of past baggage.

[BarelyMakingIt]

Once again, I want to thank everyone that replied to this thread. I didn't want to make a new one but I did want to make an update. I still haven't heard back from my my friend, and is still hasn't been any easier. I'm feeling like the apology I sent made things worse. Of course there is no way that I can know if it did or not but I think I might have said too much. Of course the reason he is not speaking to me could have nothing to do with me at all and I think that is why it's so hard for me. The no contact thing is also really hard, I just want to call or text him and ask how he is doing. I am trying to abide by no contact but to me it just feels like a game, I really don't know what is right or wrong in this situation. My feelings have been all over the place but I want more than anything to just hear something from him. Ok, I think my rant is over for now. Thanks to all of you who have read this and offered a piece of advice.