[borncatastrophe77]

Hi all. I'm new to the forum and i came here because i was feeling like i was at my wits end. I'm really having great difficulty dealing with my life and feelings. Its so hard especially when the closest person to me sees me as a person loving to play the victim role. Anyhow, it would be really nice to meet people on here who understand.

I posted an introduction in the introduction forum for new comers. Because i really don't feel like typing my "story " again im going to paste my introduction here so anyone who reads can get where I'm coming from.
Really hoping to find people to connect with people who understand

Hi all.
Newbie here, first post. Little background
I'm 37, signifigant other of almost 18 years and 5 chilren.
I'm here because throu so much chaos over the years and feeling like a victim in life i have self diagnosed myself with borderline personality disorder. While absolutely depressed and feeling hopeless and helpless, i googled " emotionally instable" and things for BPD started coming up. As i read more and more i was just like OMG.....WOW.this is ME. there are actually people out there that understand.

Anyways, i have lots of disfunction and trauma in my past which also leads me to the fact that i also have PTSD from different types of abuse.

The thing is i remember being young pre teen, teen, young adult and having bouts of not normal depression and major suicide thoughts.

My problem now is that i am with a man that ive been with for almost 18 yrs. He was abusive in the past in several different ways , hence the PTSD, but he actually is a very progressive person who is always looking to improve himself. He is no longer abusive, he is actually for the past 4months been absolutely wonderful. No abuse, many apologies, much tenderness,etc........ the problem is that i am an emotional bomb. Although he had been abusive for years in the past, i also had my times of being abusive towards him.

The problem is that i have major issues with communication with him. I'm scared to talk to him because of past issues and when somehing bad happens, especially if its something that i did bad in my past i just rather block it out. Its painfull to think about because it reminds me of past abuse issues and i freak out and shut down, or it makes me feel totally useless and hopeless and like a loser, so then i get depressed.

Also when he brings up things in the past that I've done i see it as he doesn't love me, i get defensive and instead of trying to apologise and analyze what i did to make sure its not a problem in the future i feel attacked, i get defensive and he realises that he cant come to me with his issues.

Its just a mess. I`M just a mess. My emotions are just unbearable. Yesterday he told me that he has been trying for the past month not to tell me this but that we are not going to work out. My life absolutely sucks. I have kids so im not going to committ suicide and totally screw them over emotionally but i have self harmed and im just not feeling okay. Vey emotional at all times. On verge of tears all day. I need someones help who can help me be of some use in this lifetime.

[technigal]

Hi and welcome to the group.

You did not say if you are in therapy, if not that is something you need to look at doing. The standard therapy for BPD is DBT, a good site for DBT is DBT Self Help

Again welcome.

[atomicc]

I agree with Mags, you should seek out therapy if you are feeling this way. Self diagnosing will never be fully accurate, if you want the best care for your illness you should see someone who is trained to deal with these things. Welcome to PC though, I hope that we can help and support you here.

welcome...... i will add you to my prayers. sounds like you could use some.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to the group

[Shadow_wolf500]

Welcome to the group hope you find help and peace here